The journey now

I've been writing this blog post in my head for weeks now. I just couldn't figure out how to start it and where I wanted to go with it. I didn't want it to come across this way or that way, worried about who I would bother with my sadness or my fitness stuff. But you know, no matter what you can't make everyone happy and its best just to be YOU and BE HAPPY. So that's why I'm writing this, to get it out there and maybe help inspire others. Because honestly INSPIRING and HELPING others is my passion and what I want in life.

Lets go back to the beginning of the year.

In January of this year I found out I was pregnant. After much debate and worry Vince and I had decided we wanted to add to our family, as crazy as it sounded. We just wanted a piece of US in the world.


I knew having a baby would be hard, especially because last time I was pregnant I gained nearly 100# with each pregnancy. I had just fought to take 100# off of my frame and wanted to stay as healthy as possible. This pregnancy was challenging. Aside from taking care of 3 children and all the furr children, I was just bone tired. I was often falling asleep on the couch while spending time with the children. Family DR WHO night became mommy passed out and poor Vince putting everyone to bed alone. I was wiped out! Because of how tired I was I started to pack on pounds pretty quickly. I ate when I was tired and I ate whatever I wanted to and could stomach.

Despite the growing pregnancy symptoms, and endless positive tests, after many doctors appointments we found out that the pregnancy was not advancing and that I was having a slow miscarriage. Devastated, we knew there was nothing we could do but move forward.

The first week of February 2016 I was around 8 weeks pregnant. I was about to take pills that day that would cause me to bleed and expel the life that was growing inside of me. Sounds harsh and maybe a little gross, but its exactly how I viewed it. But with this loss, something new inside me was stirred. A new motivation to be healthier and better than I had been. To make 2016 a year of more fitness and fun and health. This exact day I signed up for my first FREE fit camp through Herbalife. I got a few lovely friends to sign up with me as well, which was the most amazing support for me at this time and for what I was going through.

I will be FOREVER grateful for what the fit camp gave to me emotionally and physically.


These photos were taken the day of my miscarriage. I was nearly 170#, which is up quite a bit from my goal weight of 153#. I was not happy with my body, not happy with the weight I gained so quickly, and was ready to make a difference.

The paper shows my results from just 4 weeks of workouts and changing up my nutrition. I drank the shakes once a day after fitcamp, quick and easy dinner. I'm still drinking them :)

Fast forward to now! I'm currently sitting at 149# on average and 26% body fat (down from 36.8%!) and continuing to drop. I eat MORE than 1800 calories a day on average and workout 4-5 times a week depending on how I'm feeling. I don't starve myself for health, I don't kill myself doing workouts to be fit. I live a flexible and happy lifestyle full of carbs, tacos, and froyo with the kids.

I started creating workouts for friends. I made fitness plans for friends and family. My mother in law and sister in law have both lost inches all over their bodies in just the 3-4 weeks they have been working on the plans I created for them. I am SO PROUD. It feels so good to help people!

I passed my ISSA Certified Personal Trainer certificate program and then gained an additional certificate in Fitness Nutrition. I have considered working at various bootcamps/gyms in the area but nothing has quite fit my personality and needs.




Recently I went to the beach with my sister, mother, husband, and stepson. I ran around and did head stands and cartwheels. I played around in ways I hadn't since I was a kid. Getting healthy gave me my life back. I had energy and motivation, I could have fun. I couldn't remember the last time I felt that good.

The whole point is that
I WANT to help you. I want to help your friends, your family, your coworkers. I want to help anyone that wants help getting in shape and gaining their lives back. I am offering my services as a personal trainer for $50/month for plans created just for them. We will discuss what kind of plan we need to create, we will touch base throughout the month, keep track of progress, and change up the plan as needed. I just want to help more people!

While its taken me years to be okay with any photograph of myself, I have to say that now I see so much happiness in my face. I see health. I see a person who can do anything.

I want everyone to feel that way.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening to my story. I feel like I didn't quite get it out the way I wanted to but it's as good as I can make it right now.

Love to all of my friends and family that have supported me so much along the way. Please share with others in hopes they can rise from a not great place and find their piece of happy.

Obstacles

I caught my boyfriend cheating this month. He just couldn't help himself. I don't hold grudges because I cheated too. The scale called and we just couldn't resist its charm. #sorryimnotsorry

We started Whole30 one week ago. We weighed ourselves before we began and weren't going to weigh ourselves until the 30 days were over. But we gave in and curiosity got the best of us. I was pleasantly surprised! After just a few days I had already lost weight.  This Whole 30 thing is hard, real hard.

Whole 30 is extreme paleo (if you don't know what the paleo diet is, google it. It's far too much to explain and I'm sure the interwebs will explain it better than I do). On Whole 30 you refrain from eating the following: corn, legumes (including beans, peanuts and peanut butter), processed foods, sugar (also no honey, agave, stevia, or other artificial sweeteners), no white potatoes, NO DAIRY (boo), and no grains (rice, quinoa, etc).

What this means is you can eat plenty of: lean meats, veggies, fruits (in moderation only), eggs a plenty and good fats (avocado, ghee, nuts, coconut butter). Remember, fat does not make you fat.

What's that? You don't believe me? Research it.

Fats like a McDonald's hamburger and fries make you fat. All the processed crap in it, tons of added sugars and fillers, they make you fat. Eating an entire avocado with your dinner will not make you fat. In fact on Whole 30 it's ENCOURAGED. Talk about heaven.

The first week was rough. There was one day where I spent my entire lunch sitting next to a cake in the lounge at work. A cake. Delicious cake. All that sugar. Mmm. But what's funny is it didn't bother me as much as it would have in the past. When I used to "diet" all the time I'd be desperately trying to stick to 1200 calories a day (while working out) and constantly fight that hungry gnawing in my belly. I failed time and time again. I would have caved and easily eaten some cake and would have felt horrible afterward.

On Whole 30 I'm completely FREE from counting calories. In fact I don't need to pay attention to my macros at all. I eat for fuel. I eat and feel satisfied. Do I miss stuff? You bet. Do I get really dog tired after working all day and knowing I not only need to cook a real dinner, but that I need to cook lunch for the next day as well? Oh god yes. There have been plenty of days where I wanted to throw in the towel this week but I kept pushing on.

Why? Why for gods sake to I do this to myself?!? (I've asked myself that too. Its okay if you think I'm crazy. Really, I won't blame you)

I push on because I am the only obstacle standing in my way. I am the only roadblock on my journey to fitness and health and success. This is a FACT. And this goes for you too. Yes YOU. Maybe there's something in your life that you want. It could be a better job. A bigger house. To lose weight. You're the only one stopping yourself.

Instead of cursing me out, just listen will ya?

In a world of ease, a world of quick results and fast times, we all expect things to be easy. I mean, when we are hungry there's fast food on every corner. When we want results with fitness I'm sure there's some gimmick out there that swears they can give you what you want in 6 weeks. Just drink these shakes a few meals a day! Do this program! Buy this preboost and weight loss tea! Try this cleanse! But let me tell you, you need to be ready to put in the effort to reap the rewards and in most cases it needs to be a life change!

I used to try all the new programs. I used to try all the new diets. I'd weigh myself obsessively and wonder what I was doing wrong because I was "trying so hard". But the truth is I wasn't. I wasn't giving myself my all because I was afraid. Because I was lazy. Because I wanted to blame my failures or lack of progress on someone else. But things just don't work that way. I just learned this and it was enlightening! When I go to the gym it's me vs me. I am competing with myself. I push myself to get stronger. I push myself to do better. I push myself to run further and faster. Because really, if I'm not seeing results it's purely my fault and no one else's.  For fitness, part of it is working out but an even bigger part is nutrition. I'm challenging myself to stick to Whole 30, changing my mindset about food, continuing to create new recipes and ideas. It feels good to challenge myself! It's incredible to find out what I'm capable of!

That being said, if you want something you need to be willing to change and be willing to go for it. Stop getting in your own way. Even if progress is slow (money put away in savings starting at $5 a month, or weight loss at 2# a month) it's STILL PROGRESS. Life is a journey. What's beautiful about it is its YOUR JOURNEY. You get to decide if you want to succeed, or if you want to stay where you're at. Either way enjoy the process and the journey.

On a side note here's another update: my hair has begun to fall out again. Big time. I relapsed into a bad habit and counted hairs. I got past 100 and had to stop. I lost about as much while brushing my hair post shower. I cried a lot. It was the first time I had cried like that over my hair in quite some time. Despite this setback I'm still focusing on the positive changes I'm making in my life over the things I DO have control of. Reminds me of the serenity prayer my dad used to say a lot. While I don't believe in god I still find it helpful.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

That's all for now.
Namaste. Or some other hippy fair thee well.

Xo

Breaking up

So, I sort of broke up with my scale this past month.  Proud you are? Yes, me too.

I'd like to think that I'm finally learning something new about myself. I'm undoing years and years of bad habits and bad feelings. Its refreshing. It's exhilarating. It's FREEING. Let me break it down for you like a 12 step program.

First you get up early and workout. You start doing this more and more every week. Soon you are nearly addicted to the way you feel when you sweat. You start off loathing the early morning workouts but soon you look forward to them. (Initially I would exercise late morning and after a few weeks I started jumping into a workout the moment I got up.)

Second you start going to the gym with your awesome BFF who has unlimited guest passes to a pretty snazzy (not to mention non threatening) gym. You start with 20 minutes of cardio machines and finish with a circuit of weights. You feel like the worlds biggest wimp but hey, you did more than the person sitting on the couch reading this. (sorry, that would be you. And I love you. And you may have worked out today, I'm just generalizing here! Okay?!)

Third you decide (because your boyfriend is amazing) to get your own gym membership. You feel empowered. You are now the owner of a keychain with your membership number, a t-shirt with the gym name, and 50% off of all drinks in the machines at the gym. LOOK AT YOU GO. (Theres even unlimited tanning booths but you learn, sadly, that if you don't tan from the real sun that you wont tan from the fake one. Damn.)

Fourth you start going to the gym. Not just twice weekly with your bff, but now 5 days a week with whoever wants to go (or often you go alone). You do 30 minutes minimum of cardio. You work the weight machines. You start to explore.

Fifth you start running. Now I don't mean a run for your life because its the god damned zombie apocalypse type running. I mean like a turtle through peanut butter you just somehow start to put one foot in front of the other and cover a distance. Your mile time is just over 13 minutes. That's a 5 minute improvement from weeks ago. You again feel empowered. LOOK AT YOU.

Somewhere around the 5th step is where I broke up with my scale. Despite all these wondrous things I had accomplished, the scale was not budging. Maybe it would go down two tenths of a pound here and there (and often would jump back up), it really wasn't changing enough to celebrate over. The old me would throw in the towel. The old me would call this a failure. And the old me almost (ALMOST) won this war. But thanks to my boyfriend I have evolved into the new me. NEW AND IMPROVED!

The sixth step is you keep going to the gym to work out. You even go on days you don't feel great. Maybe you slept poorly or are getting the booger monsters cold. Regardless you get your ass into workout clothes and you drive to the gym. Your mile time is now 11:30!  Go speed racer!

Seventh is when you start to realize you are lifting 20 pounds heavier on some machines than you were just two weeks ago. Somewhere you realize you started to leg press 130 pounds with ease. Somewhere around this step you realize you are getting stronger and damn it feels good.

Eighth is when you pick up a labrador from a car with a coworker and realize you don't need to grunt, strain, or get out of breath to help carry it into the hospital from the parking lot. Later in the same day you lift another labrador on your own and do so with ease. No back strain, peeing your pants, or pain. LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME! WHAT A BEAST!

During this time you work on the double digit tenth step. This is where you stop trying to minimize your caloric intake and start to JERF! (*clears throat* it means Just Eat Real Food) You focus on eating real things - like lean meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and you do this with ease. You no longer feel like a failure every time you put food in your mouth. You are now eating to live and eating to fuel your body.

...

There are still two more steps. I don't know what they are yet but god damn it I am ready for them. The whole point of me saying any of this is to say that despite the fact that I haven't lost dramatic weight, I feel incredible. I have gone down 2 belt holes, can lift heavy things, and have more energy than I've had in a long time. My moods are even, I feel accomplished. I feel like I can take on the world.

Change doesn't happen  unless you are ready for it. Like really really ready. I had heard that so many times before and always thought I was ready, but I never truly was. All I wanted was a quick fix to my problems with little effort. I always thought I was putting in maximum effort but I now know that its not true. This change that is happening to me (#transformation, thank you instagram and my #fitfam) is going to take a while. Years even. But its worth it. Stick with it people. And stick around to hear how things progress from here.

**For more information about my eating, please use google and look up some stuff! Paleo diet, JERF, whole 30 (which I am not actively doing, but it gives you a good idea at what I'm striving for). CUT OUT THE JUNK and processed food! I promise you that you will feel better! For me it started with trying to go gluten free, and just progressed to cutting the shit out altogether (as opposed to just replacing gluten containing foods with other non gluten processed foods). Try this. You'll thank me. It isn't hard. It really isn't. I used to be someone who would fail at every diet out there. I now feel satisfied and happy with what I eat. :) I mean it, with my whole heart.

Finding a balance

I don't know how much time I'm going to have to write this.
Scratch that.
I've got 20 minutes before I have to leave my house today and figured since there's so much swimming in my mind that I may as well blog it the fuck out.

First off,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BOYFRIEND! You are the most amazing man I have the privilege of knowing and I am so excited to spend another birthday with you. XOXOXO

Secondly,
Today I decided that I really need to give myself a damn break. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table. I've taken my supplements for this morning. I'm drinking a matcha green tea smoothie (that I made). I worked out hard yesterday morning prior to going to work. Before that I ran (I RAN) some and walked some at Spring Lake (a total of nearly 5 miles) over the weekend. I should be proud of myself, right? Well, here's the thing. Until last night, I wasn't.

I come from a family where if my mother over ate or over indulged in something "rich" she would in turn make herself vomit. She obsessed about what she ate. Self punishment was a learned behavior. So when I started down this path of trying to be healthy (about 3-4 weeks ago now, once I found out I had low zinc levels) I didn't think these bad habits would creep in.  I did well at first. I worked out, I counted calories, I logged my food, I wore my bodymedia band, I made healthy choices. But as the weeks went on I started obsessing about what calories I ate. I started eating less and less. Granted the supplements I'm taking (vitamins, etc) do lower my appetite, but not as low as I felt it was going. Some days over the past 3 weeks I didn't even hit 1000 calories per day. Plus I've been exercising. At first I was exercising 4-5 times a week, 30 minutes at a time. By the second week I was trying to exercise twice a day some days. By this third week I've hit the point of panic when I can't get a workout in. How is this good for me?

These past few weeks I've lost weight. I was so happy in the beginning. I started weighing myself once a week at first. Then a few times. By this third week I was weighing myself multiple times a day. And guess what? I gained weight. And while I am writing about giving myself a break I will admit that I weighed myself this morning even though I told myself I wouldn't. Baby steps.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe its in my best interest to stop counting my calories for a few weeks. Stop obsessing over everything that goes in my mouth. I am afraid that if I don't stop I'm going to continue to fuck up my progress. I'll end up feeling like a failure every day that I don't lose weight or hit a goal. How is that good for me? I need to continue to exercise (and not stress when I cant or stress when its a REST day - like Kelly from kellymartellfitness.com says, your body needs a rest day to recover). I should be PROUD of myself for staying active. I enjoy it, I really do. I love sweating and feeling like I've accomplished something. I should be proud of how far I've come already with my endurance and stamina while exercising. My boyfriend is always telling me how proud of me he is for sticking to this whole "being active" thing. I should listen to him more.

I forced myself to write this instead of work out. I think its good for me to get this out and see it with my own eyes. I cant change all of these bad habits without trying. To change you must acknowledge where you're fucking up and work on figuring out how to fix it. For me today, trying to fix my obsession with my weight and counting calories is to just STOP. Breathe. Enjoy when I get to work out. Don't stress so much when I cant. I mean, thats the whole point of this. I started trying to be healthy to lower my stress levels and instead started stressing about being healthy. Heh. Sometimes I have to wonder how I'm a functioning adult with all of these life long issues. Flawed and imperfect but totally holding myself accountable. I sure as shit wish more people could say the same.

That's all my time for now. Next time I'll write about a pony I know that twerked up a rainbow during that trip to candy mountain. That's what people want to read about anyway, right?

RANT RANT RANT

This is just going to be a full out bitch session. My brain is foggy and far to tired to essay this shit out in one concise piece about all the feels I'm having. So here goes.

This past week I've had a horrible UTI (urinary tract infection, for those who don't speak my lingo). I had back pain and fatigue, low grade fever, all that crap. Urinalysis pointed to more of a kidney infection but doctor pretty much blew me off saying if anything I may also have kidney stones. I took my 3 days of antibiotics and for the most part the peeing issues are gone. When I went in for my urinalysis I also had some repeat bloodwork to see how my iron levels were coming up. I'm happy to report that my ferritin has come up (though still not at 70, my current value is 44 which is up from 30). My iron binding values have gone down to normal, which is also a good thing. HOWEVER, at the suggestion of my boyfriend I asked to have my zinc levels checked. Turns out they are low as well. Come again?

What does that mean? What does that mean for me and the craptastic way that I'm constantly feeling? I wish I knew. Unfortunately my doctor has done nothing other than recommend I pick up a zinc supplement. *sigh* Here's where I wish I were a naive idiot. I wish that I would just say, "Sure, doctor, whatever you say!" and move on with my life. But I'm too fucking stubborn and too fucking educated to do that. I'm tired of the doctor blowing me off. It took 3 years of stomach issues before a doctor not only told me I had IBD but directed me to gastroenterology. 3 years of suffering before knowing SOMETHING.

Based on all my research (#internetresearchhag) I've found that zinc and iron are minerals that go hand in hand (heavy metals, as my boyfriend says). I've also read that when you are lacking both that you should avoid calorie restrictive diets. Some also have lists of foods to avoid for one, while the other boosts one. Plus then there are articles from medical journals stating how dangerous zinc supplementation can be. Or that if you take zinc it can lower your iron levels (which I have been trying to get to normal levels as it is!) I just wish I knew what the fuck to do!

I'm already trying to cut gluten out of my diet. I'm trying to eat more meat to help increase my iron levels. However, I've gained 14 pounds in the past 6 months that I'm desperately trying to get rid of. I worked out and watched what I ate and over the course of a week I gained 4 pounds. It's just funny. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I had to stop exercising because first I re-tweaked my back at work (heavy dead dogs to lift) and then I got that UTI and it shot my back to shit. *sigh again and again*

I just wish someone could say, "you know, you feel like crap because of ________ and if you do ______ it will get better!" I need SOMETHING. Some sort of fucking information to help me put the pieces together and make sense of why I feel so damn shitty. My doctor must HATE me. I'm that annoying person asking for tests and asking for reasons. Nag nag nag nag. But I'm so tired of feeling unwell! My energy is gone. I am constantly drained. I used to be able to get to the evening before feeling the slump and now I'm lucky if I make it till 11am before feeling like all I want is sleep. It makes it hard to do ANYTHING. I feel like the worst parent in the world because I barely have enough energy to just get through the damn day let alone be an interactive parent (to be the kind of parent I really want to be to them).

This week I've started having more bad shedding days with my hair. Tonight I found a pea sized circular spot on the side of head near my ear (where before they were primarily on the top of my head). I know its just a small spot, but its one of many. My hairloss is so diffuse that most days I feel like it isn't even worth having hair. It drives me crazy. If I had enough hair I'd just grow it and put it up 24/7 (which is where I'm heading) but by the time its long enough its going to look so awful.

It doesn't help that I'm still constantly stressed. I'm trying so hard to figure out things to help me deal with life and deal with feeling shitty. I write a lot (though I never blog it). I bake. I read. I have started watching tv shows at night (which I enjoy). I want to say that stress is what has contributed to my weight gain, considering I haven't drastically changed my diet and started parading around with a gallon of pepsi while dipping doughnuts in mayonnaise. I cut fast food out of my life (except the one time we had in and out recently, just one time) for the past few months and yet I gain. I stopped eating sweets at work, no goodies from the owners of all the pets we care for. No pizza during busy work days when the company buys lunch. None of that. Yet what. the. fuck. I am miserable.

My biggest frustration with the weight is that I feel like I did 2 years ago. I'm sluggish and feel foggy headed most of the time. I feel like I'm stuck in a fat suit that I cant make go away. When I dropped 60# I have no idea how it happened. I changed NOTHING, I just lost weight. Then it stopped. Now i'm going back up the scale. I seem to be steadily gaining at least a pound a week the past few weeks. It's driving me insane. I don't fit in any of my clothing. I'm so self conscious I could scream. Bald and fat. DAMN IT.

I'm grumpy. I'm sorry. I'm just tired of being tired. And YES, for those of you who have asked and who may ask... I DO want to do acupuncture and I DO want to see my dermatologist again and I DO want to make more rechecks with my regular doctor where I can better advocate for myself... but I just don't have the money. There is honesty for you. I hate feeling like people judge me or feel like I have no follow through with stuff like this. I don't WANT to feel like shit. I WANT to do something about it. I take my supplements (iron and as of today zinc), I try to eat healthy, I try to exercise. I'm trying really hard to do all the FREE type stuff I can do for myself. But lets face it. I'm a single mom. I hate to use the single mom card but its the god damned truth. I make sure that my kids have everything they need. I go without before they do. I do the basics to keep myself going and sane so they can have everything they need. Thats what parents do. But you know, at least I have goals. I have things I WANT to do for myself and for my health and some time I will. Right now I just CANT. When I barely have $300 left over after paying bills and rent, that just gets me by with gas and groceries. Every doctor visit costs me $40, plus the costs of meds. As it is I OWE Kaiser $60 from lab stuff they billed me for after appointments. I fucking hate money. HATE IT.

Lets just throw some shit out here shall we? Here's my want list. Its for life, not for this week or this month. These are my goals for my future.

1. Buy a farm, live the farm life. Grow produce, be organically sustained. Have farm animals. Drink fresh milk, eat fresh eggs. Work the land, sow the benefits. This would make me happier than anything I could even imagine! Thinking of my kids running around on the farm. Thinking of an old two story farm house, hearing them run up the stairs. Watching them collect eggs, milk cows, eat apples off the trees. Collecting honey from our bees. Tire swings and tree houses. THAT is the life I want. That is such a beautiful thought. I don't want a busy city, noise pollution, light pollution, cars in my driveway. I just want fresh air, fields of grass, animals, nature.

2. Go back to school. For what, I don't know. I get frustrated knowing that so many of my dreams will take me years to achieve. I get frustrated with myself thinking of how I cant afford to quit my job and just go to school full time, especially considering I live check to check making as much as I do.

3. Make things! Whether its cooking or art or music or whatever. Maybe it will be all the organically sustained beauty products I will make or things I will bake using my farm.  Sell them. Circle of life.

4. To be HAPPY with myself. Be happy with my life. Live with less stress. Be in the moment, not stressing about the future and failing to really LIVE.

I hate knowing buying a house is not anywhere close to my future. My ex and I claimed bankruptcy in 2011 thanks to.. well, I wont get into why. But it screwed my credit and it screwed my options after he and I split. I couldn't even rent places in the ghetto of my city because of the bankruptcy on my record. Apartment complexes said that they wouldn't rent to me for two years. So I took whatever places I could get, which never were the perfect ones for me. My ex got incredibly lucky that he moved right when our BK was going through. He got a good place and was never bothered by the bankruptcy. I had to buy a car 2 months after and my interest rate is definitely not pretty. But you do what you have to do. I just wish that at nearly 30 I was not starting all fucking over. I hate worrying about where I'm going to live, paying rent on a temporary home. I cant save where I am. Even if I could, I'd be saving toward things for my kids first. We already go without a lot of things, I don't have any other corners to cut. Money just sucks.

I feel like I'm just a big sour ass tonight. Maybe I am. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, though I doubt it. Pessimistic jerk. Yeah, thats me. But life has just dealt me so much shit the past few years that I'm ready for a good card. I know I have some really wonderful thing in my life, don't get me wrong. I'd just like some STRESS FREE TIME for a while. Please and thanks.

Time for Supernatural and my bed. Night ya'll.

GO GREY

I decided to keep the title even though it doesn't make sense anymore.  This is the problem with me blogging the way that I do.  I'm too fixated on making it like an essay that when it sounds more like a mash up I never post it.  I like my writing to be linear but lately its just a mess.  So heres my current mess.

My brother called me multiple times this week.  I finally called him back because I knew he wouldn't stop until we spoke.  He just wanted someone to talk to.  It's sad really.  He lives on the east coast and is basically a stranger to me.  Our own mother "doesn't have time" for him.  No one told him our grandmother died.  No one told him about my mothers suicide attempt, or at her 51/50 status (however brief it was).  I made the conscious decision to leave my family and stop caring about a lot of the bs, and while I think my brother doesn't acknowledge his part in this, I still find it sad that he didn't know whats been going on.  Anyhow, I updated him and basically gave a lot of "uh huh" and "yeah" responses.  It ended fine.  I'm not getting involved in his life, I'm continuing to keep him at arms distance from myself and my family.  But I don't mind the occasional basic and dry conversation, rehashing bullshit about my mom, or filling him in on details he may have missed.

The one thing my brother and I did agree on is how much we miss our father.  No matter what was going in my dads life he ALWAYS made time for us.  He'd stop whatever he was doing to talk to someone who needed him.  I miss that.  I only wish I could be half the person he was in that regard.

And of course I'm going to talk about my hair.  It seems to be the center of my universe these days.  My stance and feelings are ever evolving and ever changing.  Over the past few weeks I've felt "sticky" spots on my head.  They felt soft and hairless, so I figured they were bald spots.  I was right. Yesterday I photographed the few spots I was feeling and they are indeed hairless.  They are small but they are growing, as well as the fact that I'm getting more and more of them around my head.  Along with this my scalp is breaking out horribly and I cant figure out why.  My only guess is that I worked out multiple times last week while wearing a bandana and that my head sweat a lot.  Regardless of why its breaking out all I know is that I want it to stop.  Its so gross.  It hurts.  Its embarrassing.  Its definitely stopping me from shaving my head, let alone cutting it at all, because they are more visible the shorter my hair is.  I'm trying to put the medication the doctor gave me on the spots but I have hair (though it is thin) and it gets in the way. Stupid stupid stupid.

I keep debating doing the squaric acid treatments.  I worry that I will be unhappy from NOT trying everything.  Yes I am well aware of the fact that this is an autoimmune disease with NO CURE and that while my hair may grow back, it also may fall out again.  I don't know whether its worse to try and fail or try and lose it again.  There is always the chance I will try and succeed.  Who knows.  I keep asking my friends what they would do.  People keep telling me to just shave my head and move on.  However, these people are not losing their hair.  They will not be the ones with bald heads.  They will not be the ones getting looked at and having people wonder if they are sick or why on earth this woman would shave her head.  I know everyone means well and god do I appreciate the support.  *sigh*  I sure hope people understand what I'm trying to say.

And because I'm being honest I'm just going to say it - I took a break from writing this and showered.  My shedding was really bad.  I spent 45 minutes in the shower bawling my eyes out.  I am so angry.  Before showering I was looking in the mirror (as I usually am) and saw that my hairline is receding badly.  I also have a few newer bald spots I had not seen.  Plus while in the shower I could really feel how little hair I have on my head while its wet.  I suppose you can call this a weak moment for me.  A break down of sorts.  I don't know what to call it.  I wasn't even planning on telling anyone that it happened.  I feel like all I am is a sad person and I hate telling people about my sad moments.  So I cried alone, and worked through my feelings, and now I have a headache but at least the tears stopped.  I'm trying to stop bottling up everything inside.  I'm trying to listen when people say that they WANT to let me talk to them.  Its new to me so it's still a big challenge.

All I know is that I am tired of this.  I'm tired of hating myself.  I'm tired of feeling ugly.  I'm tired of all the worry.  I'm tired of all the fears I have.  I'm tired of wanting things I cannot have.  I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster I feel I'm on.  Basically I'm just tired.

I'm hoping that maybe buying a hat I feel comfortable in will help.  I'm already wanting to cover my head constantly from people.  Looking at the photographs I took made me feel beyond self conscious.  My hair is even thinner than I wanted to admit to myself.  Even though I hate hats I'm hoping something good will come from it.  I don't plan on wearing the wigs soon, despite the positive feedback I've received.  They just don't feel like ME.  I suppose I don't really know what DOES feel like me right now.  I guess I'm still trying to figure that out.

Moments

There are days like today that can feel fine despite the odds. I can wake up tired but functioning. I can smile. I can interact with others like a normal human being. And then in a moment I can feel sad inside and wish that things were not the way they were with me. I think I've taken my hair loss in stride for the most part. Sure I get mad and I get upset but I feel like I'm doing okay. But there are moments, like today listening to two coworkers discuss what to do with their gorgeous hair that something inside of me snaps. It breaks. I think at times that it's my heart. Maybe my spirit. Maybe both. I smile and I laugh and I provide them with my opinion and suggestions. Inside I'm turning to goo. I want to cry but I fight it. What good would tears do me right now?