One of my favorite things that I've written

Just cant understand the seeking nature of attention from others
Like running on sand you just keep sinking deeper until one day youre smothered.
Why wasting this energy wondering what it is you gain
trying to get others to understand the game you play.
Its something I run from
because I dont have that need.
Collecting faces and names
Mr Money Bag and his greed
A bag of acceptance and happiness you think you gain
but no one will stick to you
or remember your face with your name.
So here I sit wondering
if its somethingI can stand
while I sit by waiting
the one really holding your hand.
Until one day the crowd becomes too much for even me
and I become a face you know but not one you ever see.

A song I wrote

I keep on running
away from myself
and toward the shadow of someone else
wearing sunshine
on my coat
and everywhere I go
my shadow knows.
swinging from the old oak tree
my life it flies like falling leaves
i take a breath and only then
allow myself to fall
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay
I keep on running
away from people
my mind it plays a chaotic game
colors flying
from my eyes
and everything I think
drags me along
swinging from the old oak tree
my life it flies like falling leaves
i take a breath and only then
allow myself to fall
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay

Here's to 2013

I had a brief internal debate on whether to start blogging or to paint my fingernails. I guess the writer won over the need to be girly. I shouldn't be that surprised.

I'm blogging. The thought alone is incredible. The fact that I've decided to once again put my thoughts out there is more than I thought I'd ever consider doing again. The question of where to start has been nagging at me for weeks. However the joy of being a writer is that you can JUST WRITE. There doesn't need to be a beginning or end to a story here. I can just write for the sake of writing. I can write just because it feels good to do so. What a thought! What a wonderful thing!

I had almost decided to start with my thoughts on monogamy, heh, but decided I'd save that heavy hitter for another day. I read a blog (to remain unnamed) and it made me feel so much I could probably publish a novel just based on that singular blog entry. I guess thats why we read blogs - to enjoy, to feel, to relate. Or in my case to get real mad and feel like I need to state my side of that subject. Hah!

I've decided to start this blog, five days into 2013, by documenting ringing in the New Year, a touch of family, and to also lay down the foundation for my upcoming goals for 2013. (And as I say, "a touch of family" I realize that the whole subject of family could make a very revealing future blog... as my nephew says, "what happened to our branch of the family tree? Did someone just cut it off?" Yes my dear boy, they did...)

2013: For me this year sparks a new beginning on many levels. I rang in the New Year surrounded by extraordinary people. There's nothing quite like being with intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and loving people. (Where have they been my whole life?!) As the New Year goes with said people, we wrote down our thoughts, hopes, dreams, etc on wood and burned it in the fire. I burned two pieces: 1 was of me making a goal to love myself more this year, 2 was a goal to move on. In a sense the two go hand in hand, but are both independent of one another simultaneously. Then ending the evening snuggling next to a man I love, and waking to spend a day with him, made for a fantastic start to 2013.

Surviving the holidays for 2012 was challenging beyond belief. I continue to miss my father as the years go by. I miss him in the kitchen on Thanksgiving, fixing my mothers failed stuffing. I miss him dancing around to the music in his head during the chaos at dinner time. I often think of his smiling face and pensive eyes, his laugh, and his love. Especially now that my mother and I are estranged, I miss his presence even more. My last real conversation with my mother was her reminding me that she's "not my mother" and to "not call her mother". The dysfunction grows extreme. Its hard to believe my fathers last words to me the day before he died were that he loved my mother and that she deserved better. I try my best to keep those words in my head, but they ring so false in my heart.

I spent Thanksgiving of 2012 with my children. I cried a lot. I got a voicemail from my aunt (my mothers sister) who has a very skewed picture of what life is like in my mothers home. She told me I was cold hearted, that my ex had fucked me up, and that if anything happens to my mom she will not let me live it down. I guess my mom has been making death threats and somehow that is my fault. Its hard when your family doesn't understand. When someone is ill and refuses help, its then out of your hands. I tried my best to remind myself of that on the day I was to be THANKFUL. I sure was not thankful for the earful I got from my aunt, as well as the earful my sister got about how terrible I am, and how my sister is so much better than that.

Christmas I was sicker than I have been in years, but somehow the holiday this year (2012) became something I will cherish. Dating someone whose family has taken me in and given me that "family feeling" is something indescribable. Having spent the last few Christmases with my life in turmoil, it was wonderful to just feel love. I am so thankful. It brings tears to my eyes to just write about this. You just don't realize how alone you feel in the world until you are shown real love.

Now that I'm snotting everywhere I will end this blog entry (which ended up much heavier than I anticipated) with a summary of my goals for 2013. I'm sure future entires will elaborate on each of them as time goes on.
1. Get my divorce finalized
2. Make an appointment with a counsellor for the SRJC and start working on my goal of becoming a teacher
3. Take better care of myself
4. Read much more
5. Find my creative outlet and groove... and DONT LOSE IT AGAIN
6. Love without fear. Love with all of my heart.

Here's to 2013. May many dreams be achieved for all of us. And if not, at least let us have a little fun while we are at it.

So here I am, weeks after wanting to start this blog and nothing has really changed. My weight this morning is 207.4, which isn't a real big change. I had tried to start the whole "diet challenge" during Memorial Day weekend, which was the worst idea... EVER.

First off it's my dad's birthday weekend, which means I get all sad and moody and eat crap. I know, bad habit (emotional eating) but for my dad it's just gotta be that way. He was a BBQ lover and I always eat something BBQ related around his birthday.

Secondly, Memorial Day Weekend at PC is always ALWAYS craaaazy busy. Try exercising 6 days in a row when you work at a place where you are walking (er, more like RUNNING) around for 10+ hours straight each day (most of those days without lunches). You end up waaayyyy too tired and way too sore to exercise. Point is, I worked over 106 hours during the last two weeks of May and finding time to exercise in there (let alone breathe) was pretty hard.

Today is June 10th. I've had a cup of coffee so far today (with fat free creamer I might add) and nothing yet to eat. I think I'm going to start the day off with a Jamba Juice smoothie (frozen packs from costco), which isn't bad! I'm seriously lacking motivation this morning though, in terms of exercising. Between the housework and the laundry (oh and keeping DS and DD happy and entertained) I'm out of juice. Keep your fingers crossed that I find the time and energy to dance my chunky ass around the house to burn some calories.

Smoothie time! And maybe even some exercise time afterward. Decisions, decisions. I just wanted to post (in case anyone is reading... hello, are you out there?) and show that I'm alive, I'm still fat, and that I'm still trying. J's been doing some crazy leangains plan (starve.. I mean fast... for hours, then uber protein and few carbs, then more starving) and he has lost some weight. He's also lifting and has promised to show me how to lift (just the bar). I will be a savage beast by the end of summer I swear! hahaha oh god, the visual is too much.

Salads for suckers

I'm sitting here at work, during a crazy day, and I'm eating a salad. God damn it, I don't want a salad today. I went to bed too late last night (own fault) and then slept like crap (do not watch world news before bed) and I'm grumpy. And when I'm grumpy and tired the last thing I want to eat is a salad. Don't get me wrong - the salad TASTES good. The dressing is killer (light Girard's champagne, it's the best). But when you're rockin and rollin off of 6 hours (or less) of sleep on a busy day at work you just want CARBS! And I mean JUNK CARBS like cookies and snack mixes and heaven forbid - doughnuts! Eating salad when you're tired, at least for me, is like torture. I'd almost rather not eat, but then again I'd be even MORE grumpy without eating.

My stomach is a little upset today thanks to sharing J's late night nachos (hey, I only ate a little). I think that was part of why I was unable to sleep as well because of that wonderful thing called acid reflux. I almost skipped coffee this morning but then realized I was having a crazy moment. I drank some at home and then late this morning I went to Louie's. I got myself a NF iced white mocha and damn it tasted so good. I needed something. So sue me!

No roller derby for me tonight. I realized this morning that today is my dad's birthday - which means I will be celebrating his life at home. I really wanted to BBQ but it's late notice and I have no idea where to get good BBQ in this city! Maybe I'll just make a chocolate cake... and only eat 1 piece!

End of day 1

It's nearing the end of day 1 for me. What a day it has been! I'm having chronic headaches again and today was very painful! I got two terrible headaches back to back. As soon as the first went away I got the second. They were not mild either. Having chronic pain makes it hard to get through a day with two happy and energetic toddlers. I try my best though! We made it through dear daughters eye exam (poor thing needs glasses, just like her mama) and managed to get home without tears. She was a brave little thing! She's very excited about getting her glasses in a few weeks.

Also I did manage to exercise! I did my slim-in-6 first workout (which means I wont be able to walk tomorrow). I also did about 15-20 minutes of the Wii Just Dance game (and then let the kids do the rest). I was sweating like a pig which was quite disgusting, and since I was only able to do about 10 of the 16 pushups on the video I know I'm way out of shape. They were girl pushups too! I guess we will see how it goes 6 weeks from now! :)

I over did it a little with the garlic bread during dinner. My head was pounding, I wanted to run away from my kids and hide upstairs, and instead of that I had a piece of garlic bread. And then another with dinner. Not a huge deal, but I feel a little icky from all the garlic. I had panko breaded tilapia (frozen from Costco, low in fat and damn good) and some asparagus (steamed, nothing on it). I used the left over asparagus to put on a salad for tomorrow.

Overall I guess it was a good day. I'm supposed to go to an awesome Roller Derby match tomorrow night, so that means trying to squeeze in exercise somewhere! The video is only 24 minutes long so I could do it right when I got home. Or if I get to bed on time I could do it when I got up (oh god, exercising at 4:30am...) I guess we will see!

So goodnight for now (no I am not going to bed, though I almost feel like I could).

I'm really gonna do it this time

Why hello, it has been quite a long while since I've blogged about anything! And now I'm promising to blog regularly. Blog about boring stuff like what I'm eating, how grumpy I am because I'm not eating In n Out burger (oooh animal fries, how I love thee) and how much I'm exercising (or supposed to be exercising). I had an eye opening experience yesterday and it has made me understand that damn it, something has just gotta give.

I was at my children's pediatric office and waiting in the exam room for dearest daughter to have her PE before starting school. On the back of the exam room door is a full length mirror. And to my absolute horror it showed me EVERY LITTLE EXPANDED INCH of my body. I sat there staring at myself before getting up and refusing to sit again. I saw how my stomach stuck out like an innertube around my body, how my arms stuck out from my body. I saw how huge my head looked (LOL, maybe I cant help this one, it is genetic you know). And btw, this is not me picking myself apart. This is pointing out the cold hard facts of how my body actually looks! Good god, I don't like it! I understand the whole "be happy with yourself" and "love yourself for how you are now" motto. I love myself. I am wonderful. I get it, I really do. I know that inside I am downright fantastic, but outside I have some work to do.

So here it is. Here is my promise to blog for 6 weeks straight. I know I will be the only one really reading this but at least its down where the world could see it if they wanted to. I'm starting my Slim-in-6 workout videos again today and damn it I am gonna stick to it. I'm also going to blog about everything that I eat, even if I'm falling off the health wagon and manage to escape to an In n Out somewhere. I'm gonna write it down whether or not I fail or succeed. It's a journey. It's not going to be perfect, but I'm going to try.

Starting with today:

I've had 2 cups of coffee (with half and half and splenda) and a banana. It's only 10am. I will expand more tonight after I've eaten more meals, dealt with grumpy kids (including a first time trip to the eye doctor for dearest daughter), and hopefully managed to get my exercise in before bedtime.

Good luck to me, young happy fat girl. Time for a big change! Lets see what 6 weeks will bring! Ooh, and I'm going to post my BEFORE picture today (I cant believe I'm doing this, I just cant believe it) so watch out! Lets keep our fingers (toes, eyes, etc) crossed and hope that in 6 weeks the AFTER picture looks like a rockin' hard-bodied (haha, hard body me?) goddess!

Ready, GO!

Addition:

I forgot to post my stats. Now other than the weight, these are old stats (from May 4th) and honestly I doubt I've changed much (inch wise) since then. Here goes:

wt: 208.6

Chest: 38"

Waist: 37.5"

R Bicep: 16.25"

L Bicep: 16"

R Thigh: 27.5"

L Thigh: 27"

Neck: 16.5"

And I'll try to get on the whole BEFORE picture. But for now just look at my FB pics, haha.