Not quite cleansing yet

Today was a good day.

The kids and I walked around the mall. We played video games. We ate good meals. I enjoy the space in which I live. It was just a really really good day.

That being said its partially because I haven't started the cleanse yet.

Now wait, it isn't because I am not going to. I am just the queen of not quite thinking things through and realized that if I start the cleanse this weekend, a lot of food (produce mainly) will be going bad in my fridge. I don't have my kids after tomorrow, so all the perishable goods would be going to waste. Therefore I will eat, and try to be mindful of my eating, and once I am able and not wasting food I will start the cleanse. Just figured I would lay that out there.

Also decided to spend a little of my tax money on myself, which is both difficult and wonderful. I'm not one to splurge much (ask about the $12 lotion that took me months to finally buy).
But today I decided I needed the following: 
1 luxury item: new plugs for my ears
1 needed item: new pair of shoes (my chucks need to be chucked)
1 somewhat needed item: a haircut

And smoothies for all of us. I felt less stress today that I have in a while. I enjoyed my kids company while shopping. Everyone behaved (for the most part). There were zero meltdowns by any of us. And I even had the guy at Hot Topic say that 1984 was a good vintage (meaning my birth year). I guess I'm not that old after all. That and he was a 1984 vintage as well.

So here's to today. The sun is still shining, time to soak it up.
xo

Dirty little secret

It's really strange to find myself wanting to blog about things from my past. I think it comes from a place of cleansing. A place of wanting to rid myself of feelings and memories so that they can perhaps stop clouding my mind at the strangest times.

While cleaning up from cooking breakfast this morning I felt an all too familiar feeling of insecurity creeping into my mind. I had be texting with the boyfriend and felt that nagging feeling of "you're texting too much". Now he has not told me this and has actually told me directly that I don't text too much. We have had full on conversations about this. So where was this coming from? I know in part it comes from a conversation the boyfriend and I had the other night. I got really upset at something and I know a big part of it was from past emotions, past feelings. He had acted a way that was very different than he normally does and I felt my inner self panic. While he said he was fine and he was kind to me, I remembered well the feeling of loving someone who pretended to love you back. Because his actions were so different my gut was telling me something was wrong despite what his words were telling me. I know that he loves me, like really does love me, but that feeling nagged at me. So today I started playing connect the dots and it brought me back to another moment with my ex.

Long ago my ex husband and I used to chat on the computer while he was at work. I'm sure somewhere in my gmail account you can find chats between the two of us that date back to 2007-2008, before we really were that unhappy. It made me remember times that were closer, 2010+, where he would tell me he didn't have time to talk to me during the day, that I messaged too much, that he was busy and to stop. It became a thing that irritated him and I felt discarded. That feeling then went to another dot, another negative memory of him chatting with others. In particular it made me remember the minor; the young girl (of only 15 when he started talking to her), that he would chat with.

I knew about them talking. Of course he said he thought she was 18 when they began their "friendship" but soon he discovered she was 15 when they started talking (and was now 16). She was in high school, didn't even have her drivers permit, let alone a license or car, and sometimes hitch hiked to school. She chain smoked. She drank on camera (online). She seemed like a sad girl. Part of me felt bad for her for the situation her life was in. The other part felt bad about the fact that an adult, with children and a wife, was talking to her... I struggled with this and tried to be understanding but one day my ex husband left his chat open on the laptop we shared and I saw all the things he was saying to her. "you're a real catch" he says. He tells her how attractive she is. He talks to her about sex and her sexual exploits with others. He talks to her about some older guy who she got mad at because he wanted more, yet here was my ex saying all of these things. He went "shopping" at the market she worked at, coming home with a bag of apples, yet full groceries from another store. "but I like their produce" he would say to me, and "no she's not working today". I felt sick, I felt angry. (And as a side note I found out that the day he bought the apples was a day he met her at her work. He lied to me, to my face accusing me of being "crazy and paranoid". I kept telling myself that maybe I was crazy, and that I was just a jealous wife... but then I heard the story from HER mouth. He went to meet her and tried to make me feel like I was making it up. Ugh.) I felt like a father and husband should not have a friendship like this with someone I viewed as a child. What if she found a way to get him in trouble? What if he ended up in jail because of something she said, something she pins on him (the adult), and he misses out on his kids?

He and another friend took her to a concert where his friend bought her alcohol. They all got high. *sigh* I had married a real piece of work. I struggle with this, I struggle with wondering what his current girlfriend thinks of this man. Does she know of his past transgressions? What would she say? She seems so normal and nice, she treats my children well. Sometimes she reminds me of the girl I used to be. I wonder if she knows but doesn't care. I don't know what bothers me more.

So internet, here it is. One little dirty detail from my past. I know in a way its just my ramblings and my own way to get this out of me. It's not something I want to think about anymore. I want this memory and the feelings associated with it gone. Its gross and its dirty. It reminds me of the ugly person I had become, digging for all the truths through the lies he told me. I snooped and I looked for more and of course I kept finding it. I was bad for looking, and he was bad for lying. It was a disgusting dynamic that we had created and brewed in our home. I'm glad its over. More glad that I could ever explain. I'm a much healthier person now. I'm happier. And dating someone you can actually communicate with and be completely honest with… it's a breath of fresh air. I am so lucky to be in love with such a man as I am today. Thanks to him I can continue to grow and learn and be so very happy.

WE ARE WHAT WE EAT

My computer is running so slowly that I have doubts this blog will ever get published. If you're reading this then I suppose the internet gods have been good to me. Take warning: my thoughts are scattered and I have so many feelings that this blog may be all over the map.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to talk about food.

Sitting in front of me is a book that I followed for a total of 12 hours before ordering Round Table Pizza (back in 2008). The book is "The Master Cleanser" and it contains the work of Stanley Burroughs (who sounds like quite the quack).
It's staring me down. It's taunting and tempting me. Why do I feel like cleansing again? (This time perhaps for longer than 12 hours before failing miserably...)

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I have had this relationship my whole life. Like most unhealthy relationships, sometimes it is hard to get out despite your best efforts. At times I feel like I'm trying to break up with an abusive boyfriend. I mean, food makes me feel good... some of the time. Food also makes me feel a lot of other things - sad, grumpy, tired, fat, bloated, angry. Yeah, I said angry. I have to give myself a little credit though, because admitting the problem is the first step to recovery. I've also come a long way from where I was and I have started to admit that I like some vegetables. Let me start from the beginning.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Nichole. She was a fat kid with asthma and a heart condition whose evil mother wouldn't let her do any type of physical activity. She was a cutie - blonde with freckles and a round little squishy body. She wanted to be a cheerleader but her mother said she was too fat. She wanted to play soccer but her mother said she was too fat. So poor little fat Nichole just ate...

Okay so thats just the bad stuff but seriously, I was significantly overweight as a child. I was made fun of by my peers. I couldn't wear normal clothes like all of my friends. This was largely due to my inactivity and to the way that I ate. Growing up I don't remember vegetables or fruits being a large part of my diet. I'm sure I ate them; things like broccoli dipped in mayo, apple slices dipped in caramel, etc. I had frozen burritos with half a container of sour cream, mayo sandwiches on white bread, regular dinners of Little Caesars pizza and crazy bread, Ramen noodles, crackers with cream cheese... Despite my best efforts to remember some sort of positive eating, I cant.

When I started going through puberty things were even worse for me. First of all I started puberty really early, developing breasts when I was in third grade and then starting my period when I was 12. I started getting curves and boobs and my already large body began to twist and change yet stay big. I was made fun of a lot in elementary school. My mom decided this was when I should start going on "diets". When I was 12 she put me on a fad diet of the 90's, which involved counting fat grams. You couldn't eat more than 25 fat grams a day (yes, here I am 17 years later and I remember the exact fucking number of fat grams I couldn't go above). She put me in a leotard and took me along with her to Jazzercise. I was mortified. She constantly harassed me about what I ate. It's surprising that even though I had a 25 g of fat limit, I still didn't eat fruits and vegetables. This is when all the "diet" foods were stocked in our house - fat free popcorn, fat free desserts, fat free yogurts, etc. Everything was FAT FREE or LOW FAT, but that didn't mean it was healthy (which I will get into later). Did this diet work? Sure. I lost 30 pounds and went down to 120 pounds on my 5'3" frame. It was a good change and I was finally feeling like I fit in, right before my teenage years.

Junior high was good to me - I was able to exercise in PE. In elementary school my mom signed notes prohibiting me from exercise, but at 12 my cardiologist signed the ALL CLEAR for my heart and that gave my mom a little comfort. I stayed in the 120 pound range until mid way through high school. Did my eating get any healthier? Nope. I still ate tons of low fat/fat free commercially made crap. Fruits and vegetables were foreign options for me.

Junior year I started to gain weight. I fluctuated between 120 and 140 pounds until I graduated at close to 150 pounds. I went on the depo shot for birth control and rapidly gained  and went up to 180 pounds. I went to the gym, I did my "25 grams of fat" diet and could not drop a single pound. The doctors sent me to nutritionists because they didn't believe I was actually trying to lose weight. I ate like the nutritionist said - cereal for breakfast, non fat milk, boneless/skinless chicken, etc. I couldn't drop any weight. I became depressed and eventually ballooned up to 190 pounds. Around this time my boyfriend at the time lost his job and we moved in with my mom. She knew how unhappy I was so she put me on a diet. This time I went on Weight Watchers.

Weight Watchers. Points. Counting and counting and counting. It was hell but it was so similar to the "25 fat grams" diet because I ate the same types of food, but this time they were calculated differently. Kashi cereal, chicken, broccoli (with fat free mayo), crackers, etc. I drank a lot of diet sodas. The only positive is I started walking on the treadmill and eventually I did lose weight. I dropped down to 150 pounds and my mom took me shopping. I will never forget the comment she made to me in the dressing room.… I had picked up a black, cotton, strapless dress. It had a cute little burgundy rope belt. It was a size 14, which was smaller than I had worn since high school. Anyhow, I tried the dress on and though "man, I look really good!" I was so proud of myself! I looked at my mom and asked what she thought. Her reply, "Well you still look big.…" What? I still look big? Thats how you tell your kid what you think of their dress? *sigh*

2007: After the birth of my daughter and death of my father in 2006, my mom gifts me with her leftover Nutrisystem for my 23rd birthday.
2008: My mother buys me memberships to Weight Watchers.
2009: 90% Raw/Vegan to help with my (undiagnosed at the time) IBS
2010: My mother gifts me with membership to Jenny Craig

And here I am. I continue to punish myself for any "bad" food that I eat. I weigh 172 on a good day, coming from once weighing 253 pounds at my highest. I know i'm doing okay because I'm "healthy" - no high blood pressure, no diabetes, no longer feeling joint pain. But somehow I still feel trapped in a fat body and it makes me crazy. I was losing weight steadily (without really trying) for about a year and then it stopped. I want to blame it on stress or blame it on carbs or blame it on Satan. I don't know really. Mostly I blame it on myself, because thats the right thing to do. I live in a constant state of punishment, and thats what I'm trying to change.

But what's the RIGHT WAY to eat? Where is my path to enlightened eating?! If only it were easy! There are so many opinions on what the "correct way" is - Veganism, Paleo, Raw, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Keto, Atkins, "healthy and balanced", etc etc etc. It makes your head spin. One diet banishes fruit, one diet banishes carbs. Paleo says eat like a cave man, but veganism says eat no meat. All of these "diets" and ways of eating have strong points. Some are just full of bullshit. Fads vs way of life. How do you decide? This is my problem. I want to lose weight - do I cut carbs? Cut meat? Eat all meat? Go into an unhealthy state of ketosis and kill my fat? Go 100% raw and eat "raw chili (aka salsa)" for dinner? My brain is so trained on fad diets that I'm constantly mentally whipping myself for every piece of bread I eat or every avocado I decide to indulge in. Fat is good, fat is bad. Carbs are the devil. On top of this my IBS is out of control and because of that I'm punishing myself for pretty much anything I put in my body because everything makes my stomach hurt. I know that its stress that makes me feel that, but I still blame it on the food and therefore blame it on myself. The only thing I pride myself in is drinking probiotic beverages regularly. Aside from that I cant seem to take vitamins on a regular basis, let alone remember to eat the right things every day. *sigh again*

So that brings me back to Mr Stanley Burroughs and his Lemonade Diet. Yes, its another fad, but it's a fad that makes sense to me. You see, despite my wrecked diet induced brain, I know that we are what we eat. Thats the bottom line. WE ARE WHAT WE EAT. We live in a world of convenience and convenience foods. We no longer reach for healthy food to fuel our bodies, we reach for the things that are easy. I do believe we are not meant to eat so many of these processed foods - crackers, chips, etc. America as a whole is getting fatter. "aint nobody got time for that" exercise and healthy eating. We are stuck in the viscous cycle of no time and convenience. I am a victim of this as well. So if I am what I eat, that means I can detox and get rid of the crap thats in me and stat fresh right? I suppose thats the thought behind The Master Cleanser. I want to be better. I want to feel healthier. I want to eat fresher. I WANT A DAMN FARM (but thats a thought for another blog, another day). I just feel like maybe, just maybe, detoxing will help me get where I want to be.

Today I say goodbye to a lot of crap. Tomorrow I start The Master Cleanser and start the lemonade diet. I am setting the goal of 5 days. I will follow his diet for a total of 7, meaning 5 on the lemonade, 1 day recovery juices, 1 day juices and soups, then day 8 back to "a healthy diet". I'm going to hate everything in about 36 hours, mostly hating myself for doing it. Detox is rough. Mood swings, cravings, stomach issues. Can I survive this? Can I go without Juanita's on Sunday? I want to say yes. I want to be proud of myself for sticking to something insane. Its just 5 days.

Can you stick with me for 5 days?

Prepare for lots of angry, detox induced blogs. I'm going to blog daily to document my experience, typing out all of the nitty gritty details of the experience. The book says to prepare for lots of time in the bathroom. Can I be more excited?!

Lets hope that next weekend I'm a new me. A happier me. A healthier me. And if not, well, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

My niece would say I'm emo

My head is pounding.

And no matter what I do I cant seem to make myself happy.

I also bought hair dye today, though I have yet to put it on my head.

I feel so conflicted about the dumbest shit these days...

I wrote this random thing one day when feeling overwhelmingly anxious:

The anxiety
turning me into someone else
a version of self that I'm somehow stuck in
It seems like
through this mess I lost myself
while finally out from the oppression of someone else.
I found a small piece of me
and blew it up to what I thought they'd want to see.
Now I sit here wondering
what went wrong
what does not fit
what doesn't belong...

I keep hearing that my life will change
the rain will let up
and one day again I may feel the sun shine down on my face
the rays helping me to replace
all the tension that keeps carrying me on.
But these people are wrong...
You see
despite how hard I try to be the best for me
the universe keeps testing me
and trying me.
Pushing me down until I feel my bones
they break
and some days it even tries to stop my heart
but somehow...
I just keep moving on.


I want to say my new birth control has me feeling depressed. Or maybe its that my life has been in turmoil for the past few months, occasionally settling down for a momentary reprise, and then starting up with shit again. I was under this silly impression that once I moved that my life would be "easy" but instead I have had more crap to deal with. I just feel like my coping mechanisms are broken, and I'm having trouble being ME. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to get dressed beyond pjs. I don't want to do my makeup or dress up. I feel bleh. Depression I suppose is what I'm feeling. But why? Again I ask myself what is causing this crap feeling to stick around?

I miss my dad. Had another dream about him last night and in my dream I sobbed at the sight of him. He looked so healthy and happy. My heart aches today.

On top of all of this I just keep feeling like I don't know who the hell I am anymore. Like I said, I'm conflicted about dying my stupid hair. My haircut was a mistake and this process of growing it out is horrid. My clothes don't fit me well anymore thanks to my 6+ pound weight gain the past few months (again, I blame my change in birth control) and my skin is freaking out. I'm stressed all the time and have been consistently for a few months now. I just don't know what will make me feel better. I know this is a process that I have to go through and when I figure my shit out I will be better. Right now I'm just lingering in limbo.

For now I'm trying to eat cleaner. Trying to take better care of myself because I have neglected me the same way I used to years ago. I've even tried working out a little bit the past few weeks. I think as the weather warms up I need to start going out more on walks, hikes, and maybe some time runs (if my back doesn't break first).

Signing off and out and all of that.

Metric on repeat all day every day. At least thats how its been the past few days. Plug in, plug out... just so damn good it hurts. Even my boy is singing it.

Today in the internet world a real deal Suicide Girl started following me on Instagram. I cant explain the ridiculous glee this brought me. Why? Let me explain my fascination.

One day I will write solely about my feelings on alter egos and playing characters, but for now I will just discuss the tip (just the tip) of this world. I follow a dozen or so Suicide Girls on Instagram. Last year I submitted photographs and an application to become one, and it was actually accepted. I never did my set to finish my application and go into member review, and there are a variety of reasons for this. First, I lost my photographer (she worried her girlfriend would feel uncomfortable, which I completely respected and understood). Second, strangely the more weight I lost the less sexy/crazy/beautiful I felt. Third, naked on the internet forever is serious business.

I have battled with my self esteem my entire life. Having been a fat kid and experienced the trauma of being made fun of, puberty at an early age, and all that goes with it I have very little self esteem left in me. I try, god do I try, to love myself. Its one of life's most difficult challenges for me. So when I had the crazy idea to apply to be a Suicide Girl I never thought in a million years I'd get a YES on my application, and a down pour of encouragement by friends and family to actually go through with it. I'm self conscious and SHY for gods sake. Yet somehow attaining this goal, becoming a real Suicide Girl, would somehow say to the me "LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! YOURE AMAZING!" I know it sounds a little ridiculous, but it would be the icing on the cake to show me how far I've come.

In 2008 I was nearly 100 pounds heavier than I am right now. In the beginning of 2011 I was over 200 pounds and a size 22 pants. These days I sit comfortably in a size 12, which is a number I haven't seen since my early high school days. Despite these numbers in front of me I don't feel much better about myself. Weight loss is great, but in a way its made my body harder to live with. A sagging shell of what used to be. So now I wanna get naked for the world to see this, what am I thinking?!

Validation. Admiration. Encouragement for others that have been where I am. I suppose those are all examples of why I thought about doing this. Giving light to a side of me that I hid for so many years with my ex-husband sounded phenomenal. Giving breath to the person who hid under the fat sad exterior. Yet here I am, continuing to battle my "to do it or not to do it" question. Rinse, repeat. Day in and day out.

Seeing a real Suicide Girl decide to follow me, a random girl, on Instagram made me feel a little silly and special. I cant quite explain why. She's just a girl, same as me. I admire all of these girls because they are beautiful and appear happy within themselves. I don't know for sure that they really feel that way, but at least the image is encouraging to girls like me. I love the fact so many post that they "do it for themselves" not so that creeps can oogle them. Thats exactly how I'd feel and why I'd do it. I'd do it for me (and of course I'd do it for my boyfriend, because hopefully he'd think it was kinda hot, lol).

So that summarizes me and my love of some characters. Its time for lunch and dreams.
-xo <3 p="">

Half inch a month

Last night while laying in bed I took a few pictures of the right side of my head. The hair loss on the right side of my head appears to be more significant than the rest of my head (though there is hair loss everywhere). I don't know why this is happening to me.

The hair loss started in January of 2011. During that time I was sleeping very little, eating very poorly, and living in a very dysfunctional environment with my ex. My hair was coming out every day in the shower, sometimes in handfuls. It was always generalized and from my entire head, never just one patch or spot going bald. The falling out slowed when I moved in November of 2011, but started again within the year.

The hair falling out is not broken hair from use of chemicals. It falls out from the root portion (each piece usually containing the white "bulb" part of the root). Despite the fact that its probably not falling out due to damage, I've changed a lot of things about how I care for myself and my hair. I'm now taking fish-oil (twice a day if I can remember), prenatal vitamins (as recommended by others), and have stopped using products of any kind on my hair. I hardly even use the blowdryer anymore. A few days ago I decided not to dye it any more either, and to grow it out naturally, eventually cutting off all dyed parts.

Its incredibly tempting to shave it off in the next month, once the dyed part has grown out some, and "start fresh". I've always wanted to shave my head. I worry though, that it will cause me to go further into a depression about my hair. I would mourn its loss. I would feel even more self conscious. What little self esteem I have may plummet. Ugh, that sounds really pathetic.

Its just hair. It doesn't make me who I am. It doesn't make me a better or worse person if I have it or don't. Yet I have his attachment to it. I envy people with thick, beautiful hair. I cant get past my feelings of attachment to my own, and the loss I feel as it falls out. How can I get past this? Every day I find myself feeling more embarrassed by my hair loss, especially in the morning when waking up with my love and having what little hair I have be a mess. I cant hide the loss as well then. I know he doesn't judge me, but it makes me sad that I am not what I want to be for him. I feel like less of a person, like I'm lacking something fundamental that others have. That sounds super lame. *sigh*

Doctors keep running thyroid tests, trying to find an answer for me. Its always normal, even though the hair loss fits with hypothyroidism. Recently they checked to make sure I wasn't anemic and that my iron levels were okay - all of which were normal. Next step is going in (again) to be seen and possibly do more testing. I'd hate to waste $40 to be seen by the doctor and not have him do something for me (which has been my history with Kaiser). For now I'm going to stay strong with the no dying it (despite how ugly I will feel), the vitamins and supplements, and being gentle to my head. Cross your fingers it grows back. I have too large of a head to be a bald woman!

Blog from 03/02/13

I'm not even going to pretend that I'm not freaking out.
I am, inside, at full force. I keep feeling that every step forward I make, somehow puts me two steps behind. Universe, why are you against me?!?

I just want to feel a little less stress in my life, is that too much to ask? I am generally a positive person. I am all for positive thinking making a difference for me. Despite the imense stress Ive been through over the past 6 months I've perservered and kept on living. But what the fuck, my car now?!

Yesterday while driving my kids home after picking Katie up from school my car decided to die and not wake up. I ended up having it towed (luckily my car insurance paid for that) to Honda. Got a phone call today from Honda needing yet another hour of "diagnostic time (i.e $125/hr)" because they cant get my computer system to communicate with theirs. The service guy on the phone is beyond nice, yet he is not a tech guy so I feel like he cant communicate thoroughly about what the hell is happening with my car. What choice do I have? I okay another hour. Now I'm $250 in the hole without a diagnosis about what is happening. If my warranty covers this I wont pay a dime. However, if its something my warranty wont cover, I owe them $250 before even beginning the process of fixing the issue. FRACK me!

I just moved. I feel like my life was just about to get great and settle down and then this happens. I just want life to be fair, only once. Yes, I sound pitiful and no, I dont expect you to feel sympathy for me. Sympathy will get me nowhere, and I know this. I just need to VENT. I'm so damn mad at life right now. At this rate my hair will never stop falling out! Cant I just catch a god damned break?!