My niece would say I'm emo

My head is pounding.

And no matter what I do I cant seem to make myself happy.

I also bought hair dye today, though I have yet to put it on my head.

I feel so conflicted about the dumbest shit these days...

I wrote this random thing one day when feeling overwhelmingly anxious:

The anxiety
turning me into someone else
a version of self that I'm somehow stuck in
It seems like
through this mess I lost myself
while finally out from the oppression of someone else.
I found a small piece of me
and blew it up to what I thought they'd want to see.
Now I sit here wondering
what went wrong
what does not fit
what doesn't belong...

I keep hearing that my life will change
the rain will let up
and one day again I may feel the sun shine down on my face
the rays helping me to replace
all the tension that keeps carrying me on.
But these people are wrong...
You see
despite how hard I try to be the best for me
the universe keeps testing me
and trying me.
Pushing me down until I feel my bones
they break
and some days it even tries to stop my heart
but somehow...
I just keep moving on.


I want to say my new birth control has me feeling depressed. Or maybe its that my life has been in turmoil for the past few months, occasionally settling down for a momentary reprise, and then starting up with shit again. I was under this silly impression that once I moved that my life would be "easy" but instead I have had more crap to deal with. I just feel like my coping mechanisms are broken, and I'm having trouble being ME. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to get dressed beyond pjs. I don't want to do my makeup or dress up. I feel bleh. Depression I suppose is what I'm feeling. But why? Again I ask myself what is causing this crap feeling to stick around?

I miss my dad. Had another dream about him last night and in my dream I sobbed at the sight of him. He looked so healthy and happy. My heart aches today.

On top of all of this I just keep feeling like I don't know who the hell I am anymore. Like I said, I'm conflicted about dying my stupid hair. My haircut was a mistake and this process of growing it out is horrid. My clothes don't fit me well anymore thanks to my 6+ pound weight gain the past few months (again, I blame my change in birth control) and my skin is freaking out. I'm stressed all the time and have been consistently for a few months now. I just don't know what will make me feel better. I know this is a process that I have to go through and when I figure my shit out I will be better. Right now I'm just lingering in limbo.

For now I'm trying to eat cleaner. Trying to take better care of myself because I have neglected me the same way I used to years ago. I've even tried working out a little bit the past few weeks. I think as the weather warms up I need to start going out more on walks, hikes, and maybe some time runs (if my back doesn't break first).

Signing off and out and all of that.

Metric on repeat all day every day. At least thats how its been the past few days. Plug in, plug out... just so damn good it hurts. Even my boy is singing it.

Today in the internet world a real deal Suicide Girl started following me on Instagram. I cant explain the ridiculous glee this brought me. Why? Let me explain my fascination.

One day I will write solely about my feelings on alter egos and playing characters, but for now I will just discuss the tip (just the tip) of this world. I follow a dozen or so Suicide Girls on Instagram. Last year I submitted photographs and an application to become one, and it was actually accepted. I never did my set to finish my application and go into member review, and there are a variety of reasons for this. First, I lost my photographer (she worried her girlfriend would feel uncomfortable, which I completely respected and understood). Second, strangely the more weight I lost the less sexy/crazy/beautiful I felt. Third, naked on the internet forever is serious business.

I have battled with my self esteem my entire life. Having been a fat kid and experienced the trauma of being made fun of, puberty at an early age, and all that goes with it I have very little self esteem left in me. I try, god do I try, to love myself. Its one of life's most difficult challenges for me. So when I had the crazy idea to apply to be a Suicide Girl I never thought in a million years I'd get a YES on my application, and a down pour of encouragement by friends and family to actually go through with it. I'm self conscious and SHY for gods sake. Yet somehow attaining this goal, becoming a real Suicide Girl, would somehow say to the me "LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! YOURE AMAZING!" I know it sounds a little ridiculous, but it would be the icing on the cake to show me how far I've come.

In 2008 I was nearly 100 pounds heavier than I am right now. In the beginning of 2011 I was over 200 pounds and a size 22 pants. These days I sit comfortably in a size 12, which is a number I haven't seen since my early high school days. Despite these numbers in front of me I don't feel much better about myself. Weight loss is great, but in a way its made my body harder to live with. A sagging shell of what used to be. So now I wanna get naked for the world to see this, what am I thinking?!

Validation. Admiration. Encouragement for others that have been where I am. I suppose those are all examples of why I thought about doing this. Giving light to a side of me that I hid for so many years with my ex-husband sounded phenomenal. Giving breath to the person who hid under the fat sad exterior. Yet here I am, continuing to battle my "to do it or not to do it" question. Rinse, repeat. Day in and day out.

Seeing a real Suicide Girl decide to follow me, a random girl, on Instagram made me feel a little silly and special. I cant quite explain why. She's just a girl, same as me. I admire all of these girls because they are beautiful and appear happy within themselves. I don't know for sure that they really feel that way, but at least the image is encouraging to girls like me. I love the fact so many post that they "do it for themselves" not so that creeps can oogle them. Thats exactly how I'd feel and why I'd do it. I'd do it for me (and of course I'd do it for my boyfriend, because hopefully he'd think it was kinda hot, lol).

So that summarizes me and my love of some characters. Its time for lunch and dreams.
-xo <3 p="">

Half inch a month

Last night while laying in bed I took a few pictures of the right side of my head. The hair loss on the right side of my head appears to be more significant than the rest of my head (though there is hair loss everywhere). I don't know why this is happening to me.

The hair loss started in January of 2011. During that time I was sleeping very little, eating very poorly, and living in a very dysfunctional environment with my ex. My hair was coming out every day in the shower, sometimes in handfuls. It was always generalized and from my entire head, never just one patch or spot going bald. The falling out slowed when I moved in November of 2011, but started again within the year.

The hair falling out is not broken hair from use of chemicals. It falls out from the root portion (each piece usually containing the white "bulb" part of the root). Despite the fact that its probably not falling out due to damage, I've changed a lot of things about how I care for myself and my hair. I'm now taking fish-oil (twice a day if I can remember), prenatal vitamins (as recommended by others), and have stopped using products of any kind on my hair. I hardly even use the blowdryer anymore. A few days ago I decided not to dye it any more either, and to grow it out naturally, eventually cutting off all dyed parts.

Its incredibly tempting to shave it off in the next month, once the dyed part has grown out some, and "start fresh". I've always wanted to shave my head. I worry though, that it will cause me to go further into a depression about my hair. I would mourn its loss. I would feel even more self conscious. What little self esteem I have may plummet. Ugh, that sounds really pathetic.

Its just hair. It doesn't make me who I am. It doesn't make me a better or worse person if I have it or don't. Yet I have his attachment to it. I envy people with thick, beautiful hair. I cant get past my feelings of attachment to my own, and the loss I feel as it falls out. How can I get past this? Every day I find myself feeling more embarrassed by my hair loss, especially in the morning when waking up with my love and having what little hair I have be a mess. I cant hide the loss as well then. I know he doesn't judge me, but it makes me sad that I am not what I want to be for him. I feel like less of a person, like I'm lacking something fundamental that others have. That sounds super lame. *sigh*

Doctors keep running thyroid tests, trying to find an answer for me. Its always normal, even though the hair loss fits with hypothyroidism. Recently they checked to make sure I wasn't anemic and that my iron levels were okay - all of which were normal. Next step is going in (again) to be seen and possibly do more testing. I'd hate to waste $40 to be seen by the doctor and not have him do something for me (which has been my history with Kaiser). For now I'm going to stay strong with the no dying it (despite how ugly I will feel), the vitamins and supplements, and being gentle to my head. Cross your fingers it grows back. I have too large of a head to be a bald woman!

Blog from 03/02/13

I'm not even going to pretend that I'm not freaking out.
I am, inside, at full force. I keep feeling that every step forward I make, somehow puts me two steps behind. Universe, why are you against me?!?

I just want to feel a little less stress in my life, is that too much to ask? I am generally a positive person. I am all for positive thinking making a difference for me. Despite the imense stress Ive been through over the past 6 months I've perservered and kept on living. But what the fuck, my car now?!

Yesterday while driving my kids home after picking Katie up from school my car decided to die and not wake up. I ended up having it towed (luckily my car insurance paid for that) to Honda. Got a phone call today from Honda needing yet another hour of "diagnostic time (i.e $125/hr)" because they cant get my computer system to communicate with theirs. The service guy on the phone is beyond nice, yet he is not a tech guy so I feel like he cant communicate thoroughly about what the hell is happening with my car. What choice do I have? I okay another hour. Now I'm $250 in the hole without a diagnosis about what is happening. If my warranty covers this I wont pay a dime. However, if its something my warranty wont cover, I owe them $250 before even beginning the process of fixing the issue. FRACK me!

I just moved. I feel like my life was just about to get great and settle down and then this happens. I just want life to be fair, only once. Yes, I sound pitiful and no, I dont expect you to feel sympathy for me. Sympathy will get me nowhere, and I know this. I just need to VENT. I'm so damn mad at life right now. At this rate my hair will never stop falling out! Cant I just catch a god damned break?!

One of my favorite things that I've written

Just cant understand the seeking nature of attention from others
Like running on sand you just keep sinking deeper until one day youre smothered.
Why wasting this energy wondering what it is you gain
trying to get others to understand the game you play.
Its something I run from
because I dont have that need.
Collecting faces and names
Mr Money Bag and his greed
A bag of acceptance and happiness you think you gain
but no one will stick to you
or remember your face with your name.
So here I sit wondering
if its somethingI can stand
while I sit by waiting
the one really holding your hand.
Until one day the crowd becomes too much for even me
and I become a face you know but not one you ever see.

A song I wrote

I keep on running
away from myself
and toward the shadow of someone else
wearing sunshine
on my coat
and everywhere I go
my shadow knows.
swinging from the old oak tree
my life it flies like falling leaves
i take a breath and only then
allow myself to fall
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay
I keep on running
away from people
my mind it plays a chaotic game
colors flying
from my eyes
and everything I think
drags me along
swinging from the old oak tree
my life it flies like falling leaves
i take a breath and only then
allow myself to fall
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay

Here's to 2013

I had a brief internal debate on whether to start blogging or to paint my fingernails. I guess the writer won over the need to be girly. I shouldn't be that surprised.

I'm blogging. The thought alone is incredible. The fact that I've decided to once again put my thoughts out there is more than I thought I'd ever consider doing again. The question of where to start has been nagging at me for weeks. However the joy of being a writer is that you can JUST WRITE. There doesn't need to be a beginning or end to a story here. I can just write for the sake of writing. I can write just because it feels good to do so. What a thought! What a wonderful thing!

I had almost decided to start with my thoughts on monogamy, heh, but decided I'd save that heavy hitter for another day. I read a blog (to remain unnamed) and it made me feel so much I could probably publish a novel just based on that singular blog entry. I guess thats why we read blogs - to enjoy, to feel, to relate. Or in my case to get real mad and feel like I need to state my side of that subject. Hah!

I've decided to start this blog, five days into 2013, by documenting ringing in the New Year, a touch of family, and to also lay down the foundation for my upcoming goals for 2013. (And as I say, "a touch of family" I realize that the whole subject of family could make a very revealing future blog... as my nephew says, "what happened to our branch of the family tree? Did someone just cut it off?" Yes my dear boy, they did...)

2013: For me this year sparks a new beginning on many levels. I rang in the New Year surrounded by extraordinary people. There's nothing quite like being with intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and loving people. (Where have they been my whole life?!) As the New Year goes with said people, we wrote down our thoughts, hopes, dreams, etc on wood and burned it in the fire. I burned two pieces: 1 was of me making a goal to love myself more this year, 2 was a goal to move on. In a sense the two go hand in hand, but are both independent of one another simultaneously. Then ending the evening snuggling next to a man I love, and waking to spend a day with him, made for a fantastic start to 2013.

Surviving the holidays for 2012 was challenging beyond belief. I continue to miss my father as the years go by. I miss him in the kitchen on Thanksgiving, fixing my mothers failed stuffing. I miss him dancing around to the music in his head during the chaos at dinner time. I often think of his smiling face and pensive eyes, his laugh, and his love. Especially now that my mother and I are estranged, I miss his presence even more. My last real conversation with my mother was her reminding me that she's "not my mother" and to "not call her mother". The dysfunction grows extreme. Its hard to believe my fathers last words to me the day before he died were that he loved my mother and that she deserved better. I try my best to keep those words in my head, but they ring so false in my heart.

I spent Thanksgiving of 2012 with my children. I cried a lot. I got a voicemail from my aunt (my mothers sister) who has a very skewed picture of what life is like in my mothers home. She told me I was cold hearted, that my ex had fucked me up, and that if anything happens to my mom she will not let me live it down. I guess my mom has been making death threats and somehow that is my fault. Its hard when your family doesn't understand. When someone is ill and refuses help, its then out of your hands. I tried my best to remind myself of that on the day I was to be THANKFUL. I sure was not thankful for the earful I got from my aunt, as well as the earful my sister got about how terrible I am, and how my sister is so much better than that.

Christmas I was sicker than I have been in years, but somehow the holiday this year (2012) became something I will cherish. Dating someone whose family has taken me in and given me that "family feeling" is something indescribable. Having spent the last few Christmases with my life in turmoil, it was wonderful to just feel love. I am so thankful. It brings tears to my eyes to just write about this. You just don't realize how alone you feel in the world until you are shown real love.

Now that I'm snotting everywhere I will end this blog entry (which ended up much heavier than I anticipated) with a summary of my goals for 2013. I'm sure future entires will elaborate on each of them as time goes on.
1. Get my divorce finalized
2. Make an appointment with a counsellor for the SRJC and start working on my goal of becoming a teacher
3. Take better care of myself
4. Read much more
5. Find my creative outlet and groove... and DONT LOSE IT AGAIN
6. Love without fear. Love with all of my heart.

Here's to 2013. May many dreams be achieved for all of us. And if not, at least let us have a little fun while we are at it.