Stress = Headaches

I write this in utter frustration with my life and my body. My chronic headaches have resurfaced and I'm not exactly sure why. I have suffered from chronic headaches from the time I was 14 until after my 24th birthday and somewhere after that they left me for about a year or so. It's amazing how you can forget how to live with chronic pain, how you can get so used to not feeling sick and actually enjoying your time. I'm back to the point where everything is bothering me, every little sound an extra drum on my head, every little annoying action my children do is amplified (like Eric right now is repeating "my pumpkin, my pumpkin, my pumpkin" over and over about a paper pumpkin HE decided to rip into little pieces and throw on the floor).

For those of you who have not lived with a chronic pain you may be thinking I sound like an evil bitch of a person. Someone who has no patience and is always grumpy or on edge. Maybe I am grumpy or on edge, but try living with chronic pain day in and day out with no rest. It's easy for those of you without children to just go lay down for a while, rest when you have a headache and call it a day. For me there is no rest, I must push through the pain. I even need to go to work, even more so now that hubby is not employed, and get through the day. I'm popping OTC pain meds like candy, just waiting for my liver values to become elevated yet again.

I'm tired and crashing by the time the kids go to bed. There is no longer time for myself or for my husband. There is barely enough time for my children because the running, shrieking, noise just makes me feel a little crazy. I feel helpless and frustrated. I don't want to take medications every day. I hate the feeling of putting this crap into my body. I don't know what to do. I just keep trying to push past it, trying to stay happy, trying to be a good mother and wife through this life altering pain.

I feel like some blubbering idiot, complaining about my headaches, but unable to do much about them because I don't want to spend another $50 to go to the doctor to have them not listen to me. They want to give me pain meds or muscle relaxers or make me do exercises that just don't do a damn thing for me. Muscle relaxers work occasionally but try working on them - it's pretty much impossible. I mean, great, no headaches but after taking them I'm unable to do my job or be a productive human being. I basically just end up sleeping the day away.

So where do I go from here? I'm just anxiously waiting for my husband to wake up so I can spend some time, alone, in the shower. Probably sobbing like a child, but maybe it will make me feel better. What else is there? Except maybe cupcakes.