Obstacles

I caught my boyfriend cheating this month. He just couldn't help himself. I don't hold grudges because I cheated too. The scale called and we just couldn't resist its charm. #sorryimnotsorry

We started Whole30 one week ago. We weighed ourselves before we began and weren't going to weigh ourselves until the 30 days were over. But we gave in and curiosity got the best of us. I was pleasantly surprised! After just a few days I had already lost weight.  This Whole 30 thing is hard, real hard.

Whole 30 is extreme paleo (if you don't know what the paleo diet is, google it. It's far too much to explain and I'm sure the interwebs will explain it better than I do). On Whole 30 you refrain from eating the following: corn, legumes (including beans, peanuts and peanut butter), processed foods, sugar (also no honey, agave, stevia, or other artificial sweeteners), no white potatoes, NO DAIRY (boo), and no grains (rice, quinoa, etc).

What this means is you can eat plenty of: lean meats, veggies, fruits (in moderation only), eggs a plenty and good fats (avocado, ghee, nuts, coconut butter). Remember, fat does not make you fat.

What's that? You don't believe me? Research it.

Fats like a McDonald's hamburger and fries make you fat. All the processed crap in it, tons of added sugars and fillers, they make you fat. Eating an entire avocado with your dinner will not make you fat. In fact on Whole 30 it's ENCOURAGED. Talk about heaven.

The first week was rough. There was one day where I spent my entire lunch sitting next to a cake in the lounge at work. A cake. Delicious cake. All that sugar. Mmm. But what's funny is it didn't bother me as much as it would have in the past. When I used to "diet" all the time I'd be desperately trying to stick to 1200 calories a day (while working out) and constantly fight that hungry gnawing in my belly. I failed time and time again. I would have caved and easily eaten some cake and would have felt horrible afterward.

On Whole 30 I'm completely FREE from counting calories. In fact I don't need to pay attention to my macros at all. I eat for fuel. I eat and feel satisfied. Do I miss stuff? You bet. Do I get really dog tired after working all day and knowing I not only need to cook a real dinner, but that I need to cook lunch for the next day as well? Oh god yes. There have been plenty of days where I wanted to throw in the towel this week but I kept pushing on.

Why? Why for gods sake to I do this to myself?!? (I've asked myself that too. Its okay if you think I'm crazy. Really, I won't blame you)

I push on because I am the only obstacle standing in my way. I am the only roadblock on my journey to fitness and health and success. This is a FACT. And this goes for you too. Yes YOU. Maybe there's something in your life that you want. It could be a better job. A bigger house. To lose weight. You're the only one stopping yourself.

Instead of cursing me out, just listen will ya?

In a world of ease, a world of quick results and fast times, we all expect things to be easy. I mean, when we are hungry there's fast food on every corner. When we want results with fitness I'm sure there's some gimmick out there that swears they can give you what you want in 6 weeks. Just drink these shakes a few meals a day! Do this program! Buy this preboost and weight loss tea! Try this cleanse! But let me tell you, you need to be ready to put in the effort to reap the rewards and in most cases it needs to be a life change!

I used to try all the new programs. I used to try all the new diets. I'd weigh myself obsessively and wonder what I was doing wrong because I was "trying so hard". But the truth is I wasn't. I wasn't giving myself my all because I was afraid. Because I was lazy. Because I wanted to blame my failures or lack of progress on someone else. But things just don't work that way. I just learned this and it was enlightening! When I go to the gym it's me vs me. I am competing with myself. I push myself to get stronger. I push myself to do better. I push myself to run further and faster. Because really, if I'm not seeing results it's purely my fault and no one else's.  For fitness, part of it is working out but an even bigger part is nutrition. I'm challenging myself to stick to Whole 30, changing my mindset about food, continuing to create new recipes and ideas. It feels good to challenge myself! It's incredible to find out what I'm capable of!

That being said, if you want something you need to be willing to change and be willing to go for it. Stop getting in your own way. Even if progress is slow (money put away in savings starting at $5 a month, or weight loss at 2# a month) it's STILL PROGRESS. Life is a journey. What's beautiful about it is its YOUR JOURNEY. You get to decide if you want to succeed, or if you want to stay where you're at. Either way enjoy the process and the journey.

On a side note here's another update: my hair has begun to fall out again. Big time. I relapsed into a bad habit and counted hairs. I got past 100 and had to stop. I lost about as much while brushing my hair post shower. I cried a lot. It was the first time I had cried like that over my hair in quite some time. Despite this setback I'm still focusing on the positive changes I'm making in my life over the things I DO have control of. Reminds me of the serenity prayer my dad used to say a lot. While I don't believe in god I still find it helpful.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

That's all for now.
Namaste. Or some other hippy fair thee well.

Xo

Breaking up

So, I sort of broke up with my scale this past month.  Proud you are? Yes, me too.

I'd like to think that I'm finally learning something new about myself. I'm undoing years and years of bad habits and bad feelings. Its refreshing. It's exhilarating. It's FREEING. Let me break it down for you like a 12 step program.

First you get up early and workout. You start doing this more and more every week. Soon you are nearly addicted to the way you feel when you sweat. You start off loathing the early morning workouts but soon you look forward to them. (Initially I would exercise late morning and after a few weeks I started jumping into a workout the moment I got up.)

Second you start going to the gym with your awesome BFF who has unlimited guest passes to a pretty snazzy (not to mention non threatening) gym. You start with 20 minutes of cardio machines and finish with a circuit of weights. You feel like the worlds biggest wimp but hey, you did more than the person sitting on the couch reading this. (sorry, that would be you. And I love you. And you may have worked out today, I'm just generalizing here! Okay?!)

Third you decide (because your boyfriend is amazing) to get your own gym membership. You feel empowered. You are now the owner of a keychain with your membership number, a t-shirt with the gym name, and 50% off of all drinks in the machines at the gym. LOOK AT YOU GO. (Theres even unlimited tanning booths but you learn, sadly, that if you don't tan from the real sun that you wont tan from the fake one. Damn.)

Fourth you start going to the gym. Not just twice weekly with your bff, but now 5 days a week with whoever wants to go (or often you go alone). You do 30 minutes minimum of cardio. You work the weight machines. You start to explore.

Fifth you start running. Now I don't mean a run for your life because its the god damned zombie apocalypse type running. I mean like a turtle through peanut butter you just somehow start to put one foot in front of the other and cover a distance. Your mile time is just over 13 minutes. That's a 5 minute improvement from weeks ago. You again feel empowered. LOOK AT YOU.

Somewhere around the 5th step is where I broke up with my scale. Despite all these wondrous things I had accomplished, the scale was not budging. Maybe it would go down two tenths of a pound here and there (and often would jump back up), it really wasn't changing enough to celebrate over. The old me would throw in the towel. The old me would call this a failure. And the old me almost (ALMOST) won this war. But thanks to my boyfriend I have evolved into the new me. NEW AND IMPROVED!

The sixth step is you keep going to the gym to work out. You even go on days you don't feel great. Maybe you slept poorly or are getting the booger monsters cold. Regardless you get your ass into workout clothes and you drive to the gym. Your mile time is now 11:30!  Go speed racer!

Seventh is when you start to realize you are lifting 20 pounds heavier on some machines than you were just two weeks ago. Somewhere you realize you started to leg press 130 pounds with ease. Somewhere around this step you realize you are getting stronger and damn it feels good.

Eighth is when you pick up a labrador from a car with a coworker and realize you don't need to grunt, strain, or get out of breath to help carry it into the hospital from the parking lot. Later in the same day you lift another labrador on your own and do so with ease. No back strain, peeing your pants, or pain. LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME! WHAT A BEAST!

During this time you work on the double digit tenth step. This is where you stop trying to minimize your caloric intake and start to JERF! (*clears throat* it means Just Eat Real Food) You focus on eating real things - like lean meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and you do this with ease. You no longer feel like a failure every time you put food in your mouth. You are now eating to live and eating to fuel your body.

...

There are still two more steps. I don't know what they are yet but god damn it I am ready for them. The whole point of me saying any of this is to say that despite the fact that I haven't lost dramatic weight, I feel incredible. I have gone down 2 belt holes, can lift heavy things, and have more energy than I've had in a long time. My moods are even, I feel accomplished. I feel like I can take on the world.

Change doesn't happen  unless you are ready for it. Like really really ready. I had heard that so many times before and always thought I was ready, but I never truly was. All I wanted was a quick fix to my problems with little effort. I always thought I was putting in maximum effort but I now know that its not true. This change that is happening to me (#transformation, thank you instagram and my #fitfam) is going to take a while. Years even. But its worth it. Stick with it people. And stick around to hear how things progress from here.

**For more information about my eating, please use google and look up some stuff! Paleo diet, JERF, whole 30 (which I am not actively doing, but it gives you a good idea at what I'm striving for). CUT OUT THE JUNK and processed food! I promise you that you will feel better! For me it started with trying to go gluten free, and just progressed to cutting the shit out altogether (as opposed to just replacing gluten containing foods with other non gluten processed foods). Try this. You'll thank me. It isn't hard. It really isn't. I used to be someone who would fail at every diet out there. I now feel satisfied and happy with what I eat. :) I mean it, with my whole heart.

Finding a balance

I don't know how much time I'm going to have to write this.
Scratch that.
I've got 20 minutes before I have to leave my house today and figured since there's so much swimming in my mind that I may as well blog it the fuck out.

First off,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BOYFRIEND! You are the most amazing man I have the privilege of knowing and I am so excited to spend another birthday with you. XOXOXO

Secondly,
Today I decided that I really need to give myself a damn break. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table. I've taken my supplements for this morning. I'm drinking a matcha green tea smoothie (that I made). I worked out hard yesterday morning prior to going to work. Before that I ran (I RAN) some and walked some at Spring Lake (a total of nearly 5 miles) over the weekend. I should be proud of myself, right? Well, here's the thing. Until last night, I wasn't.

I come from a family where if my mother over ate or over indulged in something "rich" she would in turn make herself vomit. She obsessed about what she ate. Self punishment was a learned behavior. So when I started down this path of trying to be healthy (about 3-4 weeks ago now, once I found out I had low zinc levels) I didn't think these bad habits would creep in.  I did well at first. I worked out, I counted calories, I logged my food, I wore my bodymedia band, I made healthy choices. But as the weeks went on I started obsessing about what calories I ate. I started eating less and less. Granted the supplements I'm taking (vitamins, etc) do lower my appetite, but not as low as I felt it was going. Some days over the past 3 weeks I didn't even hit 1000 calories per day. Plus I've been exercising. At first I was exercising 4-5 times a week, 30 minutes at a time. By the second week I was trying to exercise twice a day some days. By this third week I've hit the point of panic when I can't get a workout in. How is this good for me?

These past few weeks I've lost weight. I was so happy in the beginning. I started weighing myself once a week at first. Then a few times. By this third week I was weighing myself multiple times a day. And guess what? I gained weight. And while I am writing about giving myself a break I will admit that I weighed myself this morning even though I told myself I wouldn't. Baby steps.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe its in my best interest to stop counting my calories for a few weeks. Stop obsessing over everything that goes in my mouth. I am afraid that if I don't stop I'm going to continue to fuck up my progress. I'll end up feeling like a failure every day that I don't lose weight or hit a goal. How is that good for me? I need to continue to exercise (and not stress when I cant or stress when its a REST day - like Kelly from kellymartellfitness.com says, your body needs a rest day to recover). I should be PROUD of myself for staying active. I enjoy it, I really do. I love sweating and feeling like I've accomplished something. I should be proud of how far I've come already with my endurance and stamina while exercising. My boyfriend is always telling me how proud of me he is for sticking to this whole "being active" thing. I should listen to him more.

I forced myself to write this instead of work out. I think its good for me to get this out and see it with my own eyes. I cant change all of these bad habits without trying. To change you must acknowledge where you're fucking up and work on figuring out how to fix it. For me today, trying to fix my obsession with my weight and counting calories is to just STOP. Breathe. Enjoy when I get to work out. Don't stress so much when I cant. I mean, thats the whole point of this. I started trying to be healthy to lower my stress levels and instead started stressing about being healthy. Heh. Sometimes I have to wonder how I'm a functioning adult with all of these life long issues. Flawed and imperfect but totally holding myself accountable. I sure as shit wish more people could say the same.

That's all my time for now. Next time I'll write about a pony I know that twerked up a rainbow during that trip to candy mountain. That's what people want to read about anyway, right?

RANT RANT RANT

This is just going to be a full out bitch session. My brain is foggy and far to tired to essay this shit out in one concise piece about all the feels I'm having. So here goes.

This past week I've had a horrible UTI (urinary tract infection, for those who don't speak my lingo). I had back pain and fatigue, low grade fever, all that crap. Urinalysis pointed to more of a kidney infection but doctor pretty much blew me off saying if anything I may also have kidney stones. I took my 3 days of antibiotics and for the most part the peeing issues are gone. When I went in for my urinalysis I also had some repeat bloodwork to see how my iron levels were coming up. I'm happy to report that my ferritin has come up (though still not at 70, my current value is 44 which is up from 30). My iron binding values have gone down to normal, which is also a good thing. HOWEVER, at the suggestion of my boyfriend I asked to have my zinc levels checked. Turns out they are low as well. Come again?

What does that mean? What does that mean for me and the craptastic way that I'm constantly feeling? I wish I knew. Unfortunately my doctor has done nothing other than recommend I pick up a zinc supplement. *sigh* Here's where I wish I were a naive idiot. I wish that I would just say, "Sure, doctor, whatever you say!" and move on with my life. But I'm too fucking stubborn and too fucking educated to do that. I'm tired of the doctor blowing me off. It took 3 years of stomach issues before a doctor not only told me I had IBD but directed me to gastroenterology. 3 years of suffering before knowing SOMETHING.

Based on all my research (#internetresearchhag) I've found that zinc and iron are minerals that go hand in hand (heavy metals, as my boyfriend says). I've also read that when you are lacking both that you should avoid calorie restrictive diets. Some also have lists of foods to avoid for one, while the other boosts one. Plus then there are articles from medical journals stating how dangerous zinc supplementation can be. Or that if you take zinc it can lower your iron levels (which I have been trying to get to normal levels as it is!) I just wish I knew what the fuck to do!

I'm already trying to cut gluten out of my diet. I'm trying to eat more meat to help increase my iron levels. However, I've gained 14 pounds in the past 6 months that I'm desperately trying to get rid of. I worked out and watched what I ate and over the course of a week I gained 4 pounds. It's just funny. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I had to stop exercising because first I re-tweaked my back at work (heavy dead dogs to lift) and then I got that UTI and it shot my back to shit. *sigh again and again*

I just wish someone could say, "you know, you feel like crap because of ________ and if you do ______ it will get better!" I need SOMETHING. Some sort of fucking information to help me put the pieces together and make sense of why I feel so damn shitty. My doctor must HATE me. I'm that annoying person asking for tests and asking for reasons. Nag nag nag nag. But I'm so tired of feeling unwell! My energy is gone. I am constantly drained. I used to be able to get to the evening before feeling the slump and now I'm lucky if I make it till 11am before feeling like all I want is sleep. It makes it hard to do ANYTHING. I feel like the worst parent in the world because I barely have enough energy to just get through the damn day let alone be an interactive parent (to be the kind of parent I really want to be to them).

This week I've started having more bad shedding days with my hair. Tonight I found a pea sized circular spot on the side of head near my ear (where before they were primarily on the top of my head). I know its just a small spot, but its one of many. My hairloss is so diffuse that most days I feel like it isn't even worth having hair. It drives me crazy. If I had enough hair I'd just grow it and put it up 24/7 (which is where I'm heading) but by the time its long enough its going to look so awful.

It doesn't help that I'm still constantly stressed. I'm trying so hard to figure out things to help me deal with life and deal with feeling shitty. I write a lot (though I never blog it). I bake. I read. I have started watching tv shows at night (which I enjoy). I want to say that stress is what has contributed to my weight gain, considering I haven't drastically changed my diet and started parading around with a gallon of pepsi while dipping doughnuts in mayonnaise. I cut fast food out of my life (except the one time we had in and out recently, just one time) for the past few months and yet I gain. I stopped eating sweets at work, no goodies from the owners of all the pets we care for. No pizza during busy work days when the company buys lunch. None of that. Yet what. the. fuck. I am miserable.

My biggest frustration with the weight is that I feel like I did 2 years ago. I'm sluggish and feel foggy headed most of the time. I feel like I'm stuck in a fat suit that I cant make go away. When I dropped 60# I have no idea how it happened. I changed NOTHING, I just lost weight. Then it stopped. Now i'm going back up the scale. I seem to be steadily gaining at least a pound a week the past few weeks. It's driving me insane. I don't fit in any of my clothing. I'm so self conscious I could scream. Bald and fat. DAMN IT.

I'm grumpy. I'm sorry. I'm just tired of being tired. And YES, for those of you who have asked and who may ask... I DO want to do acupuncture and I DO want to see my dermatologist again and I DO want to make more rechecks with my regular doctor where I can better advocate for myself... but I just don't have the money. There is honesty for you. I hate feeling like people judge me or feel like I have no follow through with stuff like this. I don't WANT to feel like shit. I WANT to do something about it. I take my supplements (iron and as of today zinc), I try to eat healthy, I try to exercise. I'm trying really hard to do all the FREE type stuff I can do for myself. But lets face it. I'm a single mom. I hate to use the single mom card but its the god damned truth. I make sure that my kids have everything they need. I go without before they do. I do the basics to keep myself going and sane so they can have everything they need. Thats what parents do. But you know, at least I have goals. I have things I WANT to do for myself and for my health and some time I will. Right now I just CANT. When I barely have $300 left over after paying bills and rent, that just gets me by with gas and groceries. Every doctor visit costs me $40, plus the costs of meds. As it is I OWE Kaiser $60 from lab stuff they billed me for after appointments. I fucking hate money. HATE IT.

Lets just throw some shit out here shall we? Here's my want list. Its for life, not for this week or this month. These are my goals for my future.

1. Buy a farm, live the farm life. Grow produce, be organically sustained. Have farm animals. Drink fresh milk, eat fresh eggs. Work the land, sow the benefits. This would make me happier than anything I could even imagine! Thinking of my kids running around on the farm. Thinking of an old two story farm house, hearing them run up the stairs. Watching them collect eggs, milk cows, eat apples off the trees. Collecting honey from our bees. Tire swings and tree houses. THAT is the life I want. That is such a beautiful thought. I don't want a busy city, noise pollution, light pollution, cars in my driveway. I just want fresh air, fields of grass, animals, nature.

2. Go back to school. For what, I don't know. I get frustrated knowing that so many of my dreams will take me years to achieve. I get frustrated with myself thinking of how I cant afford to quit my job and just go to school full time, especially considering I live check to check making as much as I do.

3. Make things! Whether its cooking or art or music or whatever. Maybe it will be all the organically sustained beauty products I will make or things I will bake using my farm.  Sell them. Circle of life.

4. To be HAPPY with myself. Be happy with my life. Live with less stress. Be in the moment, not stressing about the future and failing to really LIVE.

I hate knowing buying a house is not anywhere close to my future. My ex and I claimed bankruptcy in 2011 thanks to.. well, I wont get into why. But it screwed my credit and it screwed my options after he and I split. I couldn't even rent places in the ghetto of my city because of the bankruptcy on my record. Apartment complexes said that they wouldn't rent to me for two years. So I took whatever places I could get, which never were the perfect ones for me. My ex got incredibly lucky that he moved right when our BK was going through. He got a good place and was never bothered by the bankruptcy. I had to buy a car 2 months after and my interest rate is definitely not pretty. But you do what you have to do. I just wish that at nearly 30 I was not starting all fucking over. I hate worrying about where I'm going to live, paying rent on a temporary home. I cant save where I am. Even if I could, I'd be saving toward things for my kids first. We already go without a lot of things, I don't have any other corners to cut. Money just sucks.

I feel like I'm just a big sour ass tonight. Maybe I am. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, though I doubt it. Pessimistic jerk. Yeah, thats me. But life has just dealt me so much shit the past few years that I'm ready for a good card. I know I have some really wonderful thing in my life, don't get me wrong. I'd just like some STRESS FREE TIME for a while. Please and thanks.

Time for Supernatural and my bed. Night ya'll.

GO GREY

I decided to keep the title even though it doesn't make sense anymore.  This is the problem with me blogging the way that I do.  I'm too fixated on making it like an essay that when it sounds more like a mash up I never post it.  I like my writing to be linear but lately its just a mess.  So heres my current mess.

My brother called me multiple times this week.  I finally called him back because I knew he wouldn't stop until we spoke.  He just wanted someone to talk to.  It's sad really.  He lives on the east coast and is basically a stranger to me.  Our own mother "doesn't have time" for him.  No one told him our grandmother died.  No one told him about my mothers suicide attempt, or at her 51/50 status (however brief it was).  I made the conscious decision to leave my family and stop caring about a lot of the bs, and while I think my brother doesn't acknowledge his part in this, I still find it sad that he didn't know whats been going on.  Anyhow, I updated him and basically gave a lot of "uh huh" and "yeah" responses.  It ended fine.  I'm not getting involved in his life, I'm continuing to keep him at arms distance from myself and my family.  But I don't mind the occasional basic and dry conversation, rehashing bullshit about my mom, or filling him in on details he may have missed.

The one thing my brother and I did agree on is how much we miss our father.  No matter what was going in my dads life he ALWAYS made time for us.  He'd stop whatever he was doing to talk to someone who needed him.  I miss that.  I only wish I could be half the person he was in that regard.

And of course I'm going to talk about my hair.  It seems to be the center of my universe these days.  My stance and feelings are ever evolving and ever changing.  Over the past few weeks I've felt "sticky" spots on my head.  They felt soft and hairless, so I figured they were bald spots.  I was right. Yesterday I photographed the few spots I was feeling and they are indeed hairless.  They are small but they are growing, as well as the fact that I'm getting more and more of them around my head.  Along with this my scalp is breaking out horribly and I cant figure out why.  My only guess is that I worked out multiple times last week while wearing a bandana and that my head sweat a lot.  Regardless of why its breaking out all I know is that I want it to stop.  Its so gross.  It hurts.  Its embarrassing.  Its definitely stopping me from shaving my head, let alone cutting it at all, because they are more visible the shorter my hair is.  I'm trying to put the medication the doctor gave me on the spots but I have hair (though it is thin) and it gets in the way. Stupid stupid stupid.

I keep debating doing the squaric acid treatments.  I worry that I will be unhappy from NOT trying everything.  Yes I am well aware of the fact that this is an autoimmune disease with NO CURE and that while my hair may grow back, it also may fall out again.  I don't know whether its worse to try and fail or try and lose it again.  There is always the chance I will try and succeed.  Who knows.  I keep asking my friends what they would do.  People keep telling me to just shave my head and move on.  However, these people are not losing their hair.  They will not be the ones with bald heads.  They will not be the ones getting looked at and having people wonder if they are sick or why on earth this woman would shave her head.  I know everyone means well and god do I appreciate the support.  *sigh*  I sure hope people understand what I'm trying to say.

And because I'm being honest I'm just going to say it - I took a break from writing this and showered.  My shedding was really bad.  I spent 45 minutes in the shower bawling my eyes out.  I am so angry.  Before showering I was looking in the mirror (as I usually am) and saw that my hairline is receding badly.  I also have a few newer bald spots I had not seen.  Plus while in the shower I could really feel how little hair I have on my head while its wet.  I suppose you can call this a weak moment for me.  A break down of sorts.  I don't know what to call it.  I wasn't even planning on telling anyone that it happened.  I feel like all I am is a sad person and I hate telling people about my sad moments.  So I cried alone, and worked through my feelings, and now I have a headache but at least the tears stopped.  I'm trying to stop bottling up everything inside.  I'm trying to listen when people say that they WANT to let me talk to them.  Its new to me so it's still a big challenge.

All I know is that I am tired of this.  I'm tired of hating myself.  I'm tired of feeling ugly.  I'm tired of all the worry.  I'm tired of all the fears I have.  I'm tired of wanting things I cannot have.  I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster I feel I'm on.  Basically I'm just tired.

I'm hoping that maybe buying a hat I feel comfortable in will help.  I'm already wanting to cover my head constantly from people.  Looking at the photographs I took made me feel beyond self conscious.  My hair is even thinner than I wanted to admit to myself.  Even though I hate hats I'm hoping something good will come from it.  I don't plan on wearing the wigs soon, despite the positive feedback I've received.  They just don't feel like ME.  I suppose I don't really know what DOES feel like me right now.  I guess I'm still trying to figure that out.

Moments

There are days like today that can feel fine despite the odds. I can wake up tired but functioning. I can smile. I can interact with others like a normal human being. And then in a moment I can feel sad inside and wish that things were not the way they were with me. I think I've taken my hair loss in stride for the most part. Sure I get mad and I get upset but I feel like I'm doing okay. But there are moments, like today listening to two coworkers discuss what to do with their gorgeous hair that something inside of me snaps. It breaks. I think at times that it's my heart. Maybe my spirit. Maybe both. I smile and I laugh and I provide them with my opinion and suggestions. Inside I'm turning to goo. I want to cry but I fight it. What good would tears do me right now?

Goodbye treatments?!??!

Guess what? I'm talking about my hair again. I feel comfort in knowing I'm not the only alopecian that has moments where their world revolves around their hair loss.

I looked in the mirror yesterday evening and discovered that I now have bald patches. Up till this point I just had seriously thinning hair, but now have spots (a few nearly dime sized) that are shiny and completely hair free. It was a shock to me and I didn't take it very well to say the least. I sat in the shower and cried and cried. I felt defeated. And that's when I decided to stop treatments.

I know that probably sounds a little strange. Here's my reasoning: the past few weeks I have felt increasingly awful. From bouts of severe nausea to episodes of dizziness. The only new thing in my life are the treatments. I'm having to use excess amounts of the topical stuff because my hairloss is so severe. Chances of systemic side effects are greater. And given that even if I did have hair grow back, it will fall out if I stop the treatments. I don't want to be dumping chemicals on my head for the rest of my life. I want to be beautiful and happy and healthy. I don't want to put toxic things on my head to MAYBE get results. It just is not worth it to me.

I'm closer to making the decision of buzzing my head. I hate myself right now because of how bad my hair looks, I can't hate myself any more once its gone. If anything I hope it helps me live a free life. I won't have to see the hair all over my pillow and all over my bathroom floor. I will no longer see the handfuls in the shower. It will be relief. Sweet sweet relief. My friend even said he would shave his head too. I have the best friends ever.

I still find myself having moments in the middle of a good day where I feel really crappy. Where I look in the mirror and hate what I see. It can turn a good moment upside down. I find it hard to move past these moments but I keep trying. I try to live on the faith and trust that I have in my relationship with my boyfriend and with my family. Faith that I will be loved and found to be beautiful regardless of what's happening. I need to focus on the trust that I will not be left alone. It's a challenge, but I accept it and I work on it daily.

So thank you to everyone who has listened to my bitching. To those who have received text after text about my hairloss, bald spots, depression- I love you so. This journey is far from over, but its because of all of you that I have gotten this far.

Panic at the Niko

I am having anxiety attacks these days. I wrote a whole blog about it but my text program on my ipad took a crap and killed it. So today I start over (somewhat) and add on some new bits and pieces.

So yeah, anxiety. As I write this I'm coming down from what would have been a big anxiety attack. Thank god for medication. Between puppy sitting and having a rambunctious child, sometimes its hard to break away when anxiety strikes. After much thinking on the possible causes, I think the anxiety is a combination of two things- one being my job, two being my hair. The job thing I'm sure ill elaborate more on later. The second, the hair, is what caused my anxiety today.

I have officially started treatment for the alopecia. I am using three topical treatments on my head, all together. One is an antibiotic, one is a steroid, and the last is the Rogaine. Today was my first day using the steroid. It will be used twice daily for two weeks, a two week break, and then resume 2 on and 2 off for a total of three months. The side effects are burning, acne, and thinning skin. Also because it is a potent corticosteroid there is a chance of it being absorbed systemically, which is part of why I am to take two week breaks. Anyhow, I put it on my hair and the result was horrid. Not only did it burn (and now itch like crazy) but its in an oil type suspension. I look like I just rubbed a handful of oil through my very thin hair. I'll tell you, there's no way I will be going out in public looking like this.

The more I looked at my hair the more upset I became. The Rogaine was already making my hair feel straw like and now it looks like I haven't washed it in days. It just makes me feel so ugly that I can't help but cry. That sounds ridiculously vain and kind of stupid as I read it back, but its honest. I put a scarf on my head and then felt even worse. I don't know how to get through this without crushing what little self esteem I have. Bleh.

I keep thinking about the wigs I ordered. I've had a few people make negative comments about how long one of them is. I know people talk and not everyone will understand or be supportive. I am trying my best to just look at the wig thing positively, as many of my friends have said.

This is just so damn hard to go through. I can't even make my words help people understand. It's devastating. I feel so incredibly sad. I'm constantly looking for distractions and things to make me smile. I'm struggling to get through basic days. I feel weak because all of my life, no matter what was happening to me I was able to pull my shit together and not get stuck in depression. I never had anxiety attacks, even after my dads suicide. But here I am with my hair falling out and its like all of my coping mechanisms are broken. What happened to the strong person inside of me?

I Know people feel weak sometimes. I know that everything I'm feeling has been felt before. Today is just a day where I struggle to remind myself that it gets better. I'm lucky- I have a wonderful support system of best friends, new family, and my wonderful children. I'm going to get through this BECAUSE of them and FOR them. I'm having a rough time right now but soon I'll be better. I know this in my heart because I recognize it, acknowledge it, and take steps to make it better.

On a random yet related side note: I've gone gluten free starting today. For the first time in a long time my stomach hasn't hurt AT ALL today. I know there will be a learning curve here but I'm already happy to have one good gut day.

So that's all for now. I'm gonna go snuggle the puppy. Thanks friends for reading.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

How uncreative of a title, right? I guess in a way I'm still trying to find the fun and humor in my diagnosis. I had my scalp biopsied last Thursday and got my diagnosis a week later. Diagnosis: alopecia areata.

For people who don't know what this is let me try to explain what I've learned so far. It's an autoimmune disorder where your immune system attacks your hair follicles, making your hair fall out. They explain it like your hair follicles go dormant and just stop making hair. Typically people with alopecia areata will lose hair in circular spots all over their head. I have a diffuse form where I have lost hair from my entire head. If I had to guess I'd say in the past two years I've lost over 50% of the hair on my head. This disease does not mean I have a weak immune system. On the contrary it often signifies the immune system is great and so effective it starts to hurt itself. Strange isn't it?

The thing that is hard about this disease is that its different for everyone. The doctors can't tell me how much more hair I will lose or what treatments will work for me. They can't tell me if a treatment does work that my hair won't fall out again either immediately after treatment or years down the road. There have been people with alopecia areta that lose all of their hair over a 2 week period and their disease turns into a bigger form of alopecia (totalis or univeralis). It's scary to have unknowns like that.

My doctor wants me to make a follow up appointment (which I will do when the office is open Monday) and begin treatments. She wants to use a squaric acid treatment on my head which supposedly irritates the scalp and sends white blood cells to the surface, making your follicles come back to life and in the end making your hair grow again. The side effect of this treatment is a poison ivy type rash all over your head that will hurt and itch. It may also discolor the skin on my scalp. Sounds fun right? Even worse is the percent of regrowth for people that have had the significant hair loss that I have is only about 40-60%, with many people losing their hair once treatments stop. Also as a side note I think my eyebrows are thinning again. I looked at them yesterday and feel like they are a lot smaller and thinner. My eyelashes however seem to be the same. When my hair fell out heavily two years ago my eyelashes and eyebrows thinned a lot but grew back. Nothing I can do to prevent that though.

To be honest, when I read my biopsy results I broke down crying immediately. I went inside the house and locked myself in the bathroom so the kids would not see me cry. I mourned the loss of my hair and I searched for the strength in myself to help me deal with these facts. I kept asking why me. I kept thinking about the fact that I may never have my hair back or that it may continue to fall out despite treatments. I felt embarrassed for myself. I felt embarrassed for my boyfriend. I feel like the worlds eyes are on me and people are wondering what's wrong with me and wondering why my hair looks so bad. I know people are assholes. I can't control what others think. It just kills me that people may think bad things toward my boyfriend for his freaky balding girlfriend. Or think bad things toward my kids or toward my friends. *sigh*

I started using women's minoxidil at my dermatologists suggestion (while waiting for biopsy results). I told a few coworkers and a few snickered at knowing I was using "Rogaine". It made me feel painfully embarrassed. I'm already self conscious about the fact you can see my scalp through my hair, and now even more upset that it could get worse instead of better. It made me feel even more afraid to try treatments that will leave noticeable marks on my scalp (bumps, redness, flakes, etc) that I won't be able to hide without covering my head. I don't even know if my employer would let me use something like a navy blue chemo wrap to protect my scalp during treatments and help prevent me from feeling more embarrassed than I already do. I need to work up the courage to ask.

My only real complaint about the Rogaine treatment so far (aside from the dermatologist telling me the incorrect strength to get) is that its drying out my hair. It also makes my hair feel like its got gunk in it (similar to the way lots of hairspray would make it feel). I don't like it. Makes my already sad hair look sadder. I'm seriously thinking of cutting it off while I start treatments. No point in having sad little bits of long hair hanging from an irritated scalp. Not like seeing it makes me feel better. Sometimes I feel like if it were gone I'd have less time focusing on how sad it looks... I've been fighting the urge to shave my head all day. I've got nearly half an inch of blonde showing already. Blah, I keep crying. Talk about feeling crazy.

After doing more and more reading about alopecia I also spent money on a cheap wig to play around with at home. I don't know if I can ever bring myself to wear it out in public or to work. I struggle with that whole fake aspect and that people I work with or interact with will know its a wig. I even feel embarrassed about potentially wearing it. I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend having a girlfriend that has to wear a wig. I mean, what if it fell off? What activities would I have to refrain from with a wig on? To think of how embarrassing it would be to fall off during sex!?! In a small way I do like the idea of changing wigs like you change accessories. Be someone new every day. It's a neat idea, even if its one that I will struggle with.

The more I learn about the disease the more I keep feeling upset. 1 in 5 children born to a parent with alopecia will get the disease as well (from alopecia areata to full alopecia universalis). I may end up giving this to my children and they will have to feel all these things that I am. It's a horribly sad feeling...

This diagnosis is definitely a roller coaster of emotion for me. I can be fine one minute and sad the next. This is all normal I'm sure. It does make me feel a little unstable though.
,
What I worry about most is that I DONT want people to feel sorry for me, or pity me, or wish thing different for me. This is just what it is for me. As Ginny said to me- its an opportunity to learn my body better and to get people to help me feel better as well. I can't make this disease go away but I can be as positive as possible about it. If anything this is an opportunity to become a stronger person. I am not my hair. I need to keep my head up and also show my children that people are different (some lose their hair) and that inside we are the same. That people that are different than them are just as awesome as them inside and out.

My hair may come or it may go (and maybe go all the way) but who I am inside will stay strong and stable. I may still cry and I may still mourn what I don't (and may never) have but that doesn't mean the disease is conquering me. It just means I'm learning to be better.

If anything this diagnosis just serves as an excellent excuse to start wearing more hats and beanies.

Singing the blues

First off: Its interesting to see that I'm typing this from my new wireless keyboard and my ipad. So glad to not have to carry around my broken computer in order to write some stuff down. My computer being broken has made writing and blogging much less fun.

Current music: Zwan - Mary Star Of The Sea <3 p="">Current mood: Depressed.

I've been living the past month in a perpetual state of "I'm about to start bawling but keep pushing it down." Its not fun and its not pretty. Instead of going away its starting to numb me out more and more. I came to terms with this the other night when my boyfriend asked me what I wanted to do (because he wants me to pick something that will make me happy) and I couldn't give an answer. Now I will say that I am generally very easy going and don't mind doing much of anything, usually happy to do what HE wants to do, but thats not the issue here. The issue is that I couldn't come up with an answer because there isn't anything that will make me feel happy. I feel numb, so its hard to say, "I want to watch Dexter" or "I want to go for a walk" or whatever other thing I may normally enjoy doing because those things don't bring me joy right in this moment. Depression is painfully annoying that way.

I came to terms with my depression last year after talking to a friend about it. I've suffered from small bouts of depression my whole life, usually coming to surface due to being unhappy about a common thing (weight, work, etc). They all stem from a common tree though - the dislike I have of myself. When my depression rears its ugly head I usually hate myself for a little bit but am able to pull myself out of it. This feels a little different. Its more intense. Its more life sucking. I want it to go away, therefore I must face it and perhaps writing about this will help.

The annoying thing about depression is when people don't understand. Allie from Hyperbole and a Half said it best in her most recent blog (please look her up if you haven't, she is fucking hilarious). So as I was saying, its annoying when people don't understand. I'm not CHOOSING to feel sad. I'm not waking up every morning WANTING to feel like shit. Its just something that happens. I try to do things that will "cheer me up" but the thing with depression is you start to not care as much about those things, and eventually there aren't things that make you really happy. I'm fighting to not get to that point. I'm still in the numb state where most things don't appeal to me, but once I force myself to do them I do still derive some happiness from them. People cant cheer me up or make me better. The thing with feeling depressed is that I need to make it better on my own.

Here's the part that gets sticky - its hard to write honestly about this because I don't want people feeling like they don't bring me joy or don't improve the quality of my life. They CAN and they DO. More than they probably know, especially given the fact that I do fall down into a depressed pit every now and then. When your friend is depressed its easy to take their unhappiness personally. I've been there. I've had depressed friends (before coming to terms with my own depression) where I've felt like maybe they didn't like me, or didn't like spending time with me. But now that I've grown up a little and faced this ugly depression, I realize that maybe spending time with me was a thing that was keeping their feet on the ground. I often feel that about my friends. If it wasn't for them I know I'd feel a lot worse. Because of my depression I try to be better for friends that have felt what I feel, or may feel a similiar feeling from time to time.

I don't worry that I will be devoured by my depression the way my father has and the way my mother tried to. Suicide isn't a thing that interests me. I WANT to live, even if I am living with a person I hate most (myself). Life IS beautiful, even if its stressful and even if at times it just brings me way down. I still stop to smell the flowers from time to time. I catch frogs. I stand on my deck, eyes closed, and just breathe. I still cry, a lot (at least a few times a week) but I know even that will get better. Plus theres nothing wrong with crying. Its cleansing I suppose and hell, its better than bottling it all up. I still have a lot of really wonderful moments, days, weeks, months despite my depression. People still make me feel incredible and happy. I'm just trying to explain that there's always this little dark thing hovering there that sometimes makes me sad despite all of the wonderful I have.

I've had people ask me what it is that is making me depressed. To be honest, sometimes its nothing. Sometimes my life is going great and my mind decides to go in the shitter. There are moments where I feel I'm at war with my own head, like it wants to be miserable even in times of joy. Its fucked up like that. I also feel safe writing that because I know for damn sure there are others that have felt the same way. But anyhow, I suppose the three things making me most depressed right now are: 1. My hair, 2. My job, 3. My weight.

My hair is an ongoing mystery. I recently took out a bunch of old pictures so I could see when this problem started. At first I thought it all started when my ex and I were going to divorce (2011). However, I realize my hair had started to thin the few years before that. It went slowly though, not like the loss I experienced in 2011 and have continued to experience. At first it was a very very gradual thinning. In 2011 I started losing handfuls of hair from all over my head. That extreme loss slowed, but has never stopped. I still lose small handfuls in the shower. I still have a pillow case covered in my hair most mornings. I can run my hand through my hair and lose a dozen hairs (at the root, not from breakage). Lately one side seems to be losing more than the other (my right side is crazy thin compared to my left). I still don't know why this is happening. I need to go see my new doctor and talk about this (but of course don't have the extra $40 laying around). He's run bloodwork and its always normal. My last thought was maybe it was my birth control (after looking it up online I read many women experienced hair loss on my birth control, so maybe?)

I can still hear my dad say " a woman's hair is her crowning glory" and it makes me laugh. It always did. And as I lose more of my hair it makes me wonder what my crowning glory is going to be once I'm bald. Hair is such a huge piece of who a person is. Hairstyles can be a big part of a person. While this all sounds a little vain and a like I'm too concerned about whats on the surface of a person, just sit and think about it a little. When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Your hair is part of you even on a "bad hair day". Its part of who you are, part of your look as a person. Every day I look in the mirror and I feel like I'm mourning the loss of something. I try really hard to not focus on it, and instead focus on who I am as a person. I know I'm kind and caring, creative, friendly, etc. I know my good qualities as well as I know my bad. But I don't know how to love myself this way. I don't know how to look in the mirror and overlook the thinning hair and the ever showing scalp. Even going for a haircut these days ALWAYS prompts the hairdresser to comment on how thin my hair is. It's been the same for the past two years. "Wow your hair is SO THIN!" or "Are you doing chemo?" or "how is your thyroid?" They always want to tell me what I'm doing wrong in their eyes or what tests to have my doctor do. Its the same story. I know they are trying to help, but for once I'd like to just go get my haircut without them reminding me of something I cant ignore no matter how much I try. Really though, my hair has become so thin that no matter how I cut it it looks like shit. It cant "hold a style" because there isn't enough hair to make into anything. (As I write this I pause and touch my hair. It makes me tear up, not gonna lie. I wish I knew what the fuck was happening to me.)

There are days I just want to shave my head but I know that it wont help how I feel about myself. If anything I will feel worse than I already do. Say goodbye to the very last dregs of my self esteem.

2. Work. Its just too much to write about. However, on a side note I have began to research going back to school and what I'd like to do. Stay tuned for that at a later date. I'm looking into potentially teaching art therapy or something involving teaching/creativity.

3. Weight: Its the yo yo game. Because of my hair (and the incessant research I do about it) I decided not to do the lemonade cleanse. I worry it will make more of my hair fall out due to "Crash dieting". *sigh* So I'm back to square one, which is figuring out what to do about my weight. I need to cut out the crap and stop my emotional eating. Its not helping me anymore anyway. It just perpetuates the vicious cycle that I'm in.

While I feel like I haven't said all I wanted to say, I do feel a small sense of relief. I got some stuff off of my chest thats been sitting in there for a while. I can breathe a little better.

Xo

Not quite cleansing yet

Today was a good day.

The kids and I walked around the mall. We played video games. We ate good meals. I enjoy the space in which I live. It was just a really really good day.

That being said its partially because I haven't started the cleanse yet.

Now wait, it isn't because I am not going to. I am just the queen of not quite thinking things through and realized that if I start the cleanse this weekend, a lot of food (produce mainly) will be going bad in my fridge. I don't have my kids after tomorrow, so all the perishable goods would be going to waste. Therefore I will eat, and try to be mindful of my eating, and once I am able and not wasting food I will start the cleanse. Just figured I would lay that out there.

Also decided to spend a little of my tax money on myself, which is both difficult and wonderful. I'm not one to splurge much (ask about the $12 lotion that took me months to finally buy).
But today I decided I needed the following: 
1 luxury item: new plugs for my ears
1 needed item: new pair of shoes (my chucks need to be chucked)
1 somewhat needed item: a haircut

And smoothies for all of us. I felt less stress today that I have in a while. I enjoyed my kids company while shopping. Everyone behaved (for the most part). There were zero meltdowns by any of us. And I even had the guy at Hot Topic say that 1984 was a good vintage (meaning my birth year). I guess I'm not that old after all. That and he was a 1984 vintage as well.

So here's to today. The sun is still shining, time to soak it up.
xo

Dirty little secret

It's really strange to find myself wanting to blog about things from my past. I think it comes from a place of cleansing. A place of wanting to rid myself of feelings and memories so that they can perhaps stop clouding my mind at the strangest times.

While cleaning up from cooking breakfast this morning I felt an all too familiar feeling of insecurity creeping into my mind. I had be texting with the boyfriend and felt that nagging feeling of "you're texting too much". Now he has not told me this and has actually told me directly that I don't text too much. We have had full on conversations about this. So where was this coming from? I know in part it comes from a conversation the boyfriend and I had the other night. I got really upset at something and I know a big part of it was from past emotions, past feelings. He had acted a way that was very different than he normally does and I felt my inner self panic. While he said he was fine and he was kind to me, I remembered well the feeling of loving someone who pretended to love you back. Because his actions were so different my gut was telling me something was wrong despite what his words were telling me. I know that he loves me, like really does love me, but that feeling nagged at me. So today I started playing connect the dots and it brought me back to another moment with my ex.

Long ago my ex husband and I used to chat on the computer while he was at work. I'm sure somewhere in my gmail account you can find chats between the two of us that date back to 2007-2008, before we really were that unhappy. It made me remember times that were closer, 2010+, where he would tell me he didn't have time to talk to me during the day, that I messaged too much, that he was busy and to stop. It became a thing that irritated him and I felt discarded. That feeling then went to another dot, another negative memory of him chatting with others. In particular it made me remember the minor; the young girl (of only 15 when he started talking to her), that he would chat with.

I knew about them talking. Of course he said he thought she was 18 when they began their "friendship" but soon he discovered she was 15 when they started talking (and was now 16). She was in high school, didn't even have her drivers permit, let alone a license or car, and sometimes hitch hiked to school. She chain smoked. She drank on camera (online). She seemed like a sad girl. Part of me felt bad for her for the situation her life was in. The other part felt bad about the fact that an adult, with children and a wife, was talking to her... I struggled with this and tried to be understanding but one day my ex husband left his chat open on the laptop we shared and I saw all the things he was saying to her. "you're a real catch" he says. He tells her how attractive she is. He talks to her about sex and her sexual exploits with others. He talks to her about some older guy who she got mad at because he wanted more, yet here was my ex saying all of these things. He went "shopping" at the market she worked at, coming home with a bag of apples, yet full groceries from another store. "but I like their produce" he would say to me, and "no she's not working today". I felt sick, I felt angry. (And as a side note I found out that the day he bought the apples was a day he met her at her work. He lied to me, to my face accusing me of being "crazy and paranoid". I kept telling myself that maybe I was crazy, and that I was just a jealous wife... but then I heard the story from HER mouth. He went to meet her and tried to make me feel like I was making it up. Ugh.) I felt like a father and husband should not have a friendship like this with someone I viewed as a child. What if she found a way to get him in trouble? What if he ended up in jail because of something she said, something she pins on him (the adult), and he misses out on his kids?

He and another friend took her to a concert where his friend bought her alcohol. They all got high. *sigh* I had married a real piece of work. I struggle with this, I struggle with wondering what his current girlfriend thinks of this man. Does she know of his past transgressions? What would she say? She seems so normal and nice, she treats my children well. Sometimes she reminds me of the girl I used to be. I wonder if she knows but doesn't care. I don't know what bothers me more.

So internet, here it is. One little dirty detail from my past. I know in a way its just my ramblings and my own way to get this out of me. It's not something I want to think about anymore. I want this memory and the feelings associated with it gone. Its gross and its dirty. It reminds me of the ugly person I had become, digging for all the truths through the lies he told me. I snooped and I looked for more and of course I kept finding it. I was bad for looking, and he was bad for lying. It was a disgusting dynamic that we had created and brewed in our home. I'm glad its over. More glad that I could ever explain. I'm a much healthier person now. I'm happier. And dating someone you can actually communicate with and be completely honest with… it's a breath of fresh air. I am so lucky to be in love with such a man as I am today. Thanks to him I can continue to grow and learn and be so very happy.

WE ARE WHAT WE EAT

My computer is running so slowly that I have doubts this blog will ever get published. If you're reading this then I suppose the internet gods have been good to me. Take warning: my thoughts are scattered and I have so many feelings that this blog may be all over the map.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to talk about food.

Sitting in front of me is a book that I followed for a total of 12 hours before ordering Round Table Pizza (back in 2008). The book is "The Master Cleanser" and it contains the work of Stanley Burroughs (who sounds like quite the quack).
It's staring me down. It's taunting and tempting me. Why do I feel like cleansing again? (This time perhaps for longer than 12 hours before failing miserably...)

I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I have had this relationship my whole life. Like most unhealthy relationships, sometimes it is hard to get out despite your best efforts. At times I feel like I'm trying to break up with an abusive boyfriend. I mean, food makes me feel good... some of the time. Food also makes me feel a lot of other things - sad, grumpy, tired, fat, bloated, angry. Yeah, I said angry. I have to give myself a little credit though, because admitting the problem is the first step to recovery. I've also come a long way from where I was and I have started to admit that I like some vegetables. Let me start from the beginning.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Nichole. She was a fat kid with asthma and a heart condition whose evil mother wouldn't let her do any type of physical activity. She was a cutie - blonde with freckles and a round little squishy body. She wanted to be a cheerleader but her mother said she was too fat. She wanted to play soccer but her mother said she was too fat. So poor little fat Nichole just ate...

Okay so thats just the bad stuff but seriously, I was significantly overweight as a child. I was made fun of by my peers. I couldn't wear normal clothes like all of my friends. This was largely due to my inactivity and to the way that I ate. Growing up I don't remember vegetables or fruits being a large part of my diet. I'm sure I ate them; things like broccoli dipped in mayo, apple slices dipped in caramel, etc. I had frozen burritos with half a container of sour cream, mayo sandwiches on white bread, regular dinners of Little Caesars pizza and crazy bread, Ramen noodles, crackers with cream cheese... Despite my best efforts to remember some sort of positive eating, I cant.

When I started going through puberty things were even worse for me. First of all I started puberty really early, developing breasts when I was in third grade and then starting my period when I was 12. I started getting curves and boobs and my already large body began to twist and change yet stay big. I was made fun of a lot in elementary school. My mom decided this was when I should start going on "diets". When I was 12 she put me on a fad diet of the 90's, which involved counting fat grams. You couldn't eat more than 25 fat grams a day (yes, here I am 17 years later and I remember the exact fucking number of fat grams I couldn't go above). She put me in a leotard and took me along with her to Jazzercise. I was mortified. She constantly harassed me about what I ate. It's surprising that even though I had a 25 g of fat limit, I still didn't eat fruits and vegetables. This is when all the "diet" foods were stocked in our house - fat free popcorn, fat free desserts, fat free yogurts, etc. Everything was FAT FREE or LOW FAT, but that didn't mean it was healthy (which I will get into later). Did this diet work? Sure. I lost 30 pounds and went down to 120 pounds on my 5'3" frame. It was a good change and I was finally feeling like I fit in, right before my teenage years.

Junior high was good to me - I was able to exercise in PE. In elementary school my mom signed notes prohibiting me from exercise, but at 12 my cardiologist signed the ALL CLEAR for my heart and that gave my mom a little comfort. I stayed in the 120 pound range until mid way through high school. Did my eating get any healthier? Nope. I still ate tons of low fat/fat free commercially made crap. Fruits and vegetables were foreign options for me.

Junior year I started to gain weight. I fluctuated between 120 and 140 pounds until I graduated at close to 150 pounds. I went on the depo shot for birth control and rapidly gained  and went up to 180 pounds. I went to the gym, I did my "25 grams of fat" diet and could not drop a single pound. The doctors sent me to nutritionists because they didn't believe I was actually trying to lose weight. I ate like the nutritionist said - cereal for breakfast, non fat milk, boneless/skinless chicken, etc. I couldn't drop any weight. I became depressed and eventually ballooned up to 190 pounds. Around this time my boyfriend at the time lost his job and we moved in with my mom. She knew how unhappy I was so she put me on a diet. This time I went on Weight Watchers.

Weight Watchers. Points. Counting and counting and counting. It was hell but it was so similar to the "25 fat grams" diet because I ate the same types of food, but this time they were calculated differently. Kashi cereal, chicken, broccoli (with fat free mayo), crackers, etc. I drank a lot of diet sodas. The only positive is I started walking on the treadmill and eventually I did lose weight. I dropped down to 150 pounds and my mom took me shopping. I will never forget the comment she made to me in the dressing room.… I had picked up a black, cotton, strapless dress. It had a cute little burgundy rope belt. It was a size 14, which was smaller than I had worn since high school. Anyhow, I tried the dress on and though "man, I look really good!" I was so proud of myself! I looked at my mom and asked what she thought. Her reply, "Well you still look big.…" What? I still look big? Thats how you tell your kid what you think of their dress? *sigh*

2007: After the birth of my daughter and death of my father in 2006, my mom gifts me with her leftover Nutrisystem for my 23rd birthday.
2008: My mother buys me memberships to Weight Watchers.
2009: 90% Raw/Vegan to help with my (undiagnosed at the time) IBS
2010: My mother gifts me with membership to Jenny Craig

And here I am. I continue to punish myself for any "bad" food that I eat. I weigh 172 on a good day, coming from once weighing 253 pounds at my highest. I know i'm doing okay because I'm "healthy" - no high blood pressure, no diabetes, no longer feeling joint pain. But somehow I still feel trapped in a fat body and it makes me crazy. I was losing weight steadily (without really trying) for about a year and then it stopped. I want to blame it on stress or blame it on carbs or blame it on Satan. I don't know really. Mostly I blame it on myself, because thats the right thing to do. I live in a constant state of punishment, and thats what I'm trying to change.

But what's the RIGHT WAY to eat? Where is my path to enlightened eating?! If only it were easy! There are so many opinions on what the "correct way" is - Veganism, Paleo, Raw, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Keto, Atkins, "healthy and balanced", etc etc etc. It makes your head spin. One diet banishes fruit, one diet banishes carbs. Paleo says eat like a cave man, but veganism says eat no meat. All of these "diets" and ways of eating have strong points. Some are just full of bullshit. Fads vs way of life. How do you decide? This is my problem. I want to lose weight - do I cut carbs? Cut meat? Eat all meat? Go into an unhealthy state of ketosis and kill my fat? Go 100% raw and eat "raw chili (aka salsa)" for dinner? My brain is so trained on fad diets that I'm constantly mentally whipping myself for every piece of bread I eat or every avocado I decide to indulge in. Fat is good, fat is bad. Carbs are the devil. On top of this my IBS is out of control and because of that I'm punishing myself for pretty much anything I put in my body because everything makes my stomach hurt. I know that its stress that makes me feel that, but I still blame it on the food and therefore blame it on myself. The only thing I pride myself in is drinking probiotic beverages regularly. Aside from that I cant seem to take vitamins on a regular basis, let alone remember to eat the right things every day. *sigh again*

So that brings me back to Mr Stanley Burroughs and his Lemonade Diet. Yes, its another fad, but it's a fad that makes sense to me. You see, despite my wrecked diet induced brain, I know that we are what we eat. Thats the bottom line. WE ARE WHAT WE EAT. We live in a world of convenience and convenience foods. We no longer reach for healthy food to fuel our bodies, we reach for the things that are easy. I do believe we are not meant to eat so many of these processed foods - crackers, chips, etc. America as a whole is getting fatter. "aint nobody got time for that" exercise and healthy eating. We are stuck in the viscous cycle of no time and convenience. I am a victim of this as well. So if I am what I eat, that means I can detox and get rid of the crap thats in me and stat fresh right? I suppose thats the thought behind The Master Cleanser. I want to be better. I want to feel healthier. I want to eat fresher. I WANT A DAMN FARM (but thats a thought for another blog, another day). I just feel like maybe, just maybe, detoxing will help me get where I want to be.

Today I say goodbye to a lot of crap. Tomorrow I start The Master Cleanser and start the lemonade diet. I am setting the goal of 5 days. I will follow his diet for a total of 7, meaning 5 on the lemonade, 1 day recovery juices, 1 day juices and soups, then day 8 back to "a healthy diet". I'm going to hate everything in about 36 hours, mostly hating myself for doing it. Detox is rough. Mood swings, cravings, stomach issues. Can I survive this? Can I go without Juanita's on Sunday? I want to say yes. I want to be proud of myself for sticking to something insane. Its just 5 days.

Can you stick with me for 5 days?

Prepare for lots of angry, detox induced blogs. I'm going to blog daily to document my experience, typing out all of the nitty gritty details of the experience. The book says to prepare for lots of time in the bathroom. Can I be more excited?!

Lets hope that next weekend I'm a new me. A happier me. A healthier me. And if not, well, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

My niece would say I'm emo

My head is pounding.

And no matter what I do I cant seem to make myself happy.

I also bought hair dye today, though I have yet to put it on my head.

I feel so conflicted about the dumbest shit these days...

I wrote this random thing one day when feeling overwhelmingly anxious:

The anxiety
turning me into someone else
a version of self that I'm somehow stuck in
It seems like
through this mess I lost myself
while finally out from the oppression of someone else.
I found a small piece of me
and blew it up to what I thought they'd want to see.
Now I sit here wondering
what went wrong
what does not fit
what doesn't belong...

I keep hearing that my life will change
the rain will let up
and one day again I may feel the sun shine down on my face
the rays helping me to replace
all the tension that keeps carrying me on.
But these people are wrong...
You see
despite how hard I try to be the best for me
the universe keeps testing me
and trying me.
Pushing me down until I feel my bones
they break
and some days it even tries to stop my heart
but somehow...
I just keep moving on.


I want to say my new birth control has me feeling depressed. Or maybe its that my life has been in turmoil for the past few months, occasionally settling down for a momentary reprise, and then starting up with shit again. I was under this silly impression that once I moved that my life would be "easy" but instead I have had more crap to deal with. I just feel like my coping mechanisms are broken, and I'm having trouble being ME. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to get dressed beyond pjs. I don't want to do my makeup or dress up. I feel bleh. Depression I suppose is what I'm feeling. But why? Again I ask myself what is causing this crap feeling to stick around?

I miss my dad. Had another dream about him last night and in my dream I sobbed at the sight of him. He looked so healthy and happy. My heart aches today.

On top of all of this I just keep feeling like I don't know who the hell I am anymore. Like I said, I'm conflicted about dying my stupid hair. My haircut was a mistake and this process of growing it out is horrid. My clothes don't fit me well anymore thanks to my 6+ pound weight gain the past few months (again, I blame my change in birth control) and my skin is freaking out. I'm stressed all the time and have been consistently for a few months now. I just don't know what will make me feel better. I know this is a process that I have to go through and when I figure my shit out I will be better. Right now I'm just lingering in limbo.

For now I'm trying to eat cleaner. Trying to take better care of myself because I have neglected me the same way I used to years ago. I've even tried working out a little bit the past few weeks. I think as the weather warms up I need to start going out more on walks, hikes, and maybe some time runs (if my back doesn't break first).

Signing off and out and all of that.

Metric on repeat all day every day. At least thats how its been the past few days. Plug in, plug out... just so damn good it hurts. Even my boy is singing it.

Today in the internet world a real deal Suicide Girl started following me on Instagram. I cant explain the ridiculous glee this brought me. Why? Let me explain my fascination.

One day I will write solely about my feelings on alter egos and playing characters, but for now I will just discuss the tip (just the tip) of this world. I follow a dozen or so Suicide Girls on Instagram. Last year I submitted photographs and an application to become one, and it was actually accepted. I never did my set to finish my application and go into member review, and there are a variety of reasons for this. First, I lost my photographer (she worried her girlfriend would feel uncomfortable, which I completely respected and understood). Second, strangely the more weight I lost the less sexy/crazy/beautiful I felt. Third, naked on the internet forever is serious business.

I have battled with my self esteem my entire life. Having been a fat kid and experienced the trauma of being made fun of, puberty at an early age, and all that goes with it I have very little self esteem left in me. I try, god do I try, to love myself. Its one of life's most difficult challenges for me. So when I had the crazy idea to apply to be a Suicide Girl I never thought in a million years I'd get a YES on my application, and a down pour of encouragement by friends and family to actually go through with it. I'm self conscious and SHY for gods sake. Yet somehow attaining this goal, becoming a real Suicide Girl, would somehow say to the me "LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! YOURE AMAZING!" I know it sounds a little ridiculous, but it would be the icing on the cake to show me how far I've come.

In 2008 I was nearly 100 pounds heavier than I am right now. In the beginning of 2011 I was over 200 pounds and a size 22 pants. These days I sit comfortably in a size 12, which is a number I haven't seen since my early high school days. Despite these numbers in front of me I don't feel much better about myself. Weight loss is great, but in a way its made my body harder to live with. A sagging shell of what used to be. So now I wanna get naked for the world to see this, what am I thinking?!

Validation. Admiration. Encouragement for others that have been where I am. I suppose those are all examples of why I thought about doing this. Giving light to a side of me that I hid for so many years with my ex-husband sounded phenomenal. Giving breath to the person who hid under the fat sad exterior. Yet here I am, continuing to battle my "to do it or not to do it" question. Rinse, repeat. Day in and day out.

Seeing a real Suicide Girl decide to follow me, a random girl, on Instagram made me feel a little silly and special. I cant quite explain why. She's just a girl, same as me. I admire all of these girls because they are beautiful and appear happy within themselves. I don't know for sure that they really feel that way, but at least the image is encouraging to girls like me. I love the fact so many post that they "do it for themselves" not so that creeps can oogle them. Thats exactly how I'd feel and why I'd do it. I'd do it for me (and of course I'd do it for my boyfriend, because hopefully he'd think it was kinda hot, lol).

So that summarizes me and my love of some characters. Its time for lunch and dreams.
-xo <3 p="">

Half inch a month

Last night while laying in bed I took a few pictures of the right side of my head. The hair loss on the right side of my head appears to be more significant than the rest of my head (though there is hair loss everywhere). I don't know why this is happening to me.

The hair loss started in January of 2011. During that time I was sleeping very little, eating very poorly, and living in a very dysfunctional environment with my ex. My hair was coming out every day in the shower, sometimes in handfuls. It was always generalized and from my entire head, never just one patch or spot going bald. The falling out slowed when I moved in November of 2011, but started again within the year.

The hair falling out is not broken hair from use of chemicals. It falls out from the root portion (each piece usually containing the white "bulb" part of the root). Despite the fact that its probably not falling out due to damage, I've changed a lot of things about how I care for myself and my hair. I'm now taking fish-oil (twice a day if I can remember), prenatal vitamins (as recommended by others), and have stopped using products of any kind on my hair. I hardly even use the blowdryer anymore. A few days ago I decided not to dye it any more either, and to grow it out naturally, eventually cutting off all dyed parts.

Its incredibly tempting to shave it off in the next month, once the dyed part has grown out some, and "start fresh". I've always wanted to shave my head. I worry though, that it will cause me to go further into a depression about my hair. I would mourn its loss. I would feel even more self conscious. What little self esteem I have may plummet. Ugh, that sounds really pathetic.

Its just hair. It doesn't make me who I am. It doesn't make me a better or worse person if I have it or don't. Yet I have his attachment to it. I envy people with thick, beautiful hair. I cant get past my feelings of attachment to my own, and the loss I feel as it falls out. How can I get past this? Every day I find myself feeling more embarrassed by my hair loss, especially in the morning when waking up with my love and having what little hair I have be a mess. I cant hide the loss as well then. I know he doesn't judge me, but it makes me sad that I am not what I want to be for him. I feel like less of a person, like I'm lacking something fundamental that others have. That sounds super lame. *sigh*

Doctors keep running thyroid tests, trying to find an answer for me. Its always normal, even though the hair loss fits with hypothyroidism. Recently they checked to make sure I wasn't anemic and that my iron levels were okay - all of which were normal. Next step is going in (again) to be seen and possibly do more testing. I'd hate to waste $40 to be seen by the doctor and not have him do something for me (which has been my history with Kaiser). For now I'm going to stay strong with the no dying it (despite how ugly I will feel), the vitamins and supplements, and being gentle to my head. Cross your fingers it grows back. I have too large of a head to be a bald woman!

Blog from 03/02/13

I'm not even going to pretend that I'm not freaking out.
I am, inside, at full force. I keep feeling that every step forward I make, somehow puts me two steps behind. Universe, why are you against me?!?

I just want to feel a little less stress in my life, is that too much to ask? I am generally a positive person. I am all for positive thinking making a difference for me. Despite the imense stress Ive been through over the past 6 months I've perservered and kept on living. But what the fuck, my car now?!

Yesterday while driving my kids home after picking Katie up from school my car decided to die and not wake up. I ended up having it towed (luckily my car insurance paid for that) to Honda. Got a phone call today from Honda needing yet another hour of "diagnostic time (i.e $125/hr)" because they cant get my computer system to communicate with theirs. The service guy on the phone is beyond nice, yet he is not a tech guy so I feel like he cant communicate thoroughly about what the hell is happening with my car. What choice do I have? I okay another hour. Now I'm $250 in the hole without a diagnosis about what is happening. If my warranty covers this I wont pay a dime. However, if its something my warranty wont cover, I owe them $250 before even beginning the process of fixing the issue. FRACK me!

I just moved. I feel like my life was just about to get great and settle down and then this happens. I just want life to be fair, only once. Yes, I sound pitiful and no, I dont expect you to feel sympathy for me. Sympathy will get me nowhere, and I know this. I just need to VENT. I'm so damn mad at life right now. At this rate my hair will never stop falling out! Cant I just catch a god damned break?!

One of my favorite things that I've written

Just cant understand the seeking nature of attention from others
Like running on sand you just keep sinking deeper until one day youre smothered.
Why wasting this energy wondering what it is you gain
trying to get others to understand the game you play.
Its something I run from
because I dont have that need.
Collecting faces and names
Mr Money Bag and his greed
A bag of acceptance and happiness you think you gain
but no one will stick to you
or remember your face with your name.
So here I sit wondering
if its somethingI can stand
while I sit by waiting
the one really holding your hand.
Until one day the crowd becomes too much for even me
and I become a face you know but not one you ever see.

A song I wrote

I keep on running
away from myself
and toward the shadow of someone else
wearing sunshine
on my coat
and everywhere I go
my shadow knows.
swinging from the old oak tree
my life it flies like falling leaves
i take a breath and only then
allow myself to fall
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay
I keep on running
away from people
my mind it plays a chaotic game
colors flying
from my eyes
and everything I think
drags me along
swinging from the old oak tree
my life it flies like falling leaves
i take a breath and only then
allow myself to fall
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay
running away
running to stay
running away
here I stay

Here's to 2013

I had a brief internal debate on whether to start blogging or to paint my fingernails. I guess the writer won over the need to be girly. I shouldn't be that surprised.

I'm blogging. The thought alone is incredible. The fact that I've decided to once again put my thoughts out there is more than I thought I'd ever consider doing again. The question of where to start has been nagging at me for weeks. However the joy of being a writer is that you can JUST WRITE. There doesn't need to be a beginning or end to a story here. I can just write for the sake of writing. I can write just because it feels good to do so. What a thought! What a wonderful thing!

I had almost decided to start with my thoughts on monogamy, heh, but decided I'd save that heavy hitter for another day. I read a blog (to remain unnamed) and it made me feel so much I could probably publish a novel just based on that singular blog entry. I guess thats why we read blogs - to enjoy, to feel, to relate. Or in my case to get real mad and feel like I need to state my side of that subject. Hah!

I've decided to start this blog, five days into 2013, by documenting ringing in the New Year, a touch of family, and to also lay down the foundation for my upcoming goals for 2013. (And as I say, "a touch of family" I realize that the whole subject of family could make a very revealing future blog... as my nephew says, "what happened to our branch of the family tree? Did someone just cut it off?" Yes my dear boy, they did...)

2013: For me this year sparks a new beginning on many levels. I rang in the New Year surrounded by extraordinary people. There's nothing quite like being with intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and loving people. (Where have they been my whole life?!) As the New Year goes with said people, we wrote down our thoughts, hopes, dreams, etc on wood and burned it in the fire. I burned two pieces: 1 was of me making a goal to love myself more this year, 2 was a goal to move on. In a sense the two go hand in hand, but are both independent of one another simultaneously. Then ending the evening snuggling next to a man I love, and waking to spend a day with him, made for a fantastic start to 2013.

Surviving the holidays for 2012 was challenging beyond belief. I continue to miss my father as the years go by. I miss him in the kitchen on Thanksgiving, fixing my mothers failed stuffing. I miss him dancing around to the music in his head during the chaos at dinner time. I often think of his smiling face and pensive eyes, his laugh, and his love. Especially now that my mother and I are estranged, I miss his presence even more. My last real conversation with my mother was her reminding me that she's "not my mother" and to "not call her mother". The dysfunction grows extreme. Its hard to believe my fathers last words to me the day before he died were that he loved my mother and that she deserved better. I try my best to keep those words in my head, but they ring so false in my heart.

I spent Thanksgiving of 2012 with my children. I cried a lot. I got a voicemail from my aunt (my mothers sister) who has a very skewed picture of what life is like in my mothers home. She told me I was cold hearted, that my ex had fucked me up, and that if anything happens to my mom she will not let me live it down. I guess my mom has been making death threats and somehow that is my fault. Its hard when your family doesn't understand. When someone is ill and refuses help, its then out of your hands. I tried my best to remind myself of that on the day I was to be THANKFUL. I sure was not thankful for the earful I got from my aunt, as well as the earful my sister got about how terrible I am, and how my sister is so much better than that.

Christmas I was sicker than I have been in years, but somehow the holiday this year (2012) became something I will cherish. Dating someone whose family has taken me in and given me that "family feeling" is something indescribable. Having spent the last few Christmases with my life in turmoil, it was wonderful to just feel love. I am so thankful. It brings tears to my eyes to just write about this. You just don't realize how alone you feel in the world until you are shown real love.

Now that I'm snotting everywhere I will end this blog entry (which ended up much heavier than I anticipated) with a summary of my goals for 2013. I'm sure future entires will elaborate on each of them as time goes on.
1. Get my divorce finalized
2. Make an appointment with a counsellor for the SRJC and start working on my goal of becoming a teacher
3. Take better care of myself
4. Read much more
5. Find my creative outlet and groove... and DONT LOSE IT AGAIN
6. Love without fear. Love with all of my heart.

Here's to 2013. May many dreams be achieved for all of us. And if not, at least let us have a little fun while we are at it.