Panic at the Niko

I am having anxiety attacks these days. I wrote a whole blog about it but my text program on my ipad took a crap and killed it. So today I start over (somewhat) and add on some new bits and pieces.

So yeah, anxiety. As I write this I'm coming down from what would have been a big anxiety attack. Thank god for medication. Between puppy sitting and having a rambunctious child, sometimes its hard to break away when anxiety strikes. After much thinking on the possible causes, I think the anxiety is a combination of two things- one being my job, two being my hair. The job thing I'm sure ill elaborate more on later. The second, the hair, is what caused my anxiety today.

I have officially started treatment for the alopecia. I am using three topical treatments on my head, all together. One is an antibiotic, one is a steroid, and the last is the Rogaine. Today was my first day using the steroid. It will be used twice daily for two weeks, a two week break, and then resume 2 on and 2 off for a total of three months. The side effects are burning, acne, and thinning skin. Also because it is a potent corticosteroid there is a chance of it being absorbed systemically, which is part of why I am to take two week breaks. Anyhow, I put it on my hair and the result was horrid. Not only did it burn (and now itch like crazy) but its in an oil type suspension. I look like I just rubbed a handful of oil through my very thin hair. I'll tell you, there's no way I will be going out in public looking like this.

The more I looked at my hair the more upset I became. The Rogaine was already making my hair feel straw like and now it looks like I haven't washed it in days. It just makes me feel so ugly that I can't help but cry. That sounds ridiculously vain and kind of stupid as I read it back, but its honest. I put a scarf on my head and then felt even worse. I don't know how to get through this without crushing what little self esteem I have. Bleh.

I keep thinking about the wigs I ordered. I've had a few people make negative comments about how long one of them is. I know people talk and not everyone will understand or be supportive. I am trying my best to just look at the wig thing positively, as many of my friends have said.

This is just so damn hard to go through. I can't even make my words help people understand. It's devastating. I feel so incredibly sad. I'm constantly looking for distractions and things to make me smile. I'm struggling to get through basic days. I feel weak because all of my life, no matter what was happening to me I was able to pull my shit together and not get stuck in depression. I never had anxiety attacks, even after my dads suicide. But here I am with my hair falling out and its like all of my coping mechanisms are broken. What happened to the strong person inside of me?

I Know people feel weak sometimes. I know that everything I'm feeling has been felt before. Today is just a day where I struggle to remind myself that it gets better. I'm lucky- I have a wonderful support system of best friends, new family, and my wonderful children. I'm going to get through this BECAUSE of them and FOR them. I'm having a rough time right now but soon I'll be better. I know this in my heart because I recognize it, acknowledge it, and take steps to make it better.

On a random yet related side note: I've gone gluten free starting today. For the first time in a long time my stomach hasn't hurt AT ALL today. I know there will be a learning curve here but I'm already happy to have one good gut day.

So that's all for now. I'm gonna go snuggle the puppy. Thanks friends for reading.