Goodbye treatments?!??!

Guess what? I'm talking about my hair again. I feel comfort in knowing I'm not the only alopecian that has moments where their world revolves around their hair loss.

I looked in the mirror yesterday evening and discovered that I now have bald patches. Up till this point I just had seriously thinning hair, but now have spots (a few nearly dime sized) that are shiny and completely hair free. It was a shock to me and I didn't take it very well to say the least. I sat in the shower and cried and cried. I felt defeated. And that's when I decided to stop treatments.

I know that probably sounds a little strange. Here's my reasoning: the past few weeks I have felt increasingly awful. From bouts of severe nausea to episodes of dizziness. The only new thing in my life are the treatments. I'm having to use excess amounts of the topical stuff because my hairloss is so severe. Chances of systemic side effects are greater. And given that even if I did have hair grow back, it will fall out if I stop the treatments. I don't want to be dumping chemicals on my head for the rest of my life. I want to be beautiful and happy and healthy. I don't want to put toxic things on my head to MAYBE get results. It just is not worth it to me.

I'm closer to making the decision of buzzing my head. I hate myself right now because of how bad my hair looks, I can't hate myself any more once its gone. If anything I hope it helps me live a free life. I won't have to see the hair all over my pillow and all over my bathroom floor. I will no longer see the handfuls in the shower. It will be relief. Sweet sweet relief. My friend even said he would shave his head too. I have the best friends ever.

I still find myself having moments in the middle of a good day where I feel really crappy. Where I look in the mirror and hate what I see. It can turn a good moment upside down. I find it hard to move past these moments but I keep trying. I try to live on the faith and trust that I have in my relationship with my boyfriend and with my family. Faith that I will be loved and found to be beautiful regardless of what's happening. I need to focus on the trust that I will not be left alone. It's a challenge, but I accept it and I work on it daily.

So thank you to everyone who has listened to my bitching. To those who have received text after text about my hairloss, bald spots, depression- I love you so. This journey is far from over, but its because of all of you that I have gotten this far.