Tired Texas Travels

Grumpy grumpy sickness. Tired and sick kids, tired mommy.

I've been back from Texas for a week and I'm still exhausted. For those of you who don't know, I went to Texas for a work CE (continuing education) trip. I went to a conference called IVECCS (International Veterinary Emergency and Critical Care Symposium). It was pretty awesome- learned a whole lot, became motivated to better myself as a technician, saw a fun city... but the entire time I was there I was sick. Starting the morning I was scheduled to fly to Texas, I woke up with both eyes practically glued shut. PINK EYE! And it was raging. My eyes were red, eyelids swollen, and totally disgusting with massive eye crusties. Ick. Pink Eye aside I showered, got dressed, and did a saline nasal rinse before leaving the house -- sinuses were NOT okay. Green is not a good color for snot (though it is my favorite color all together). Epic fail on the sickness home front, especially since I am about to be in not one, but TWO planes.

During the entire trip my sinuses were clogged with massive quantities of green gunk, my eyes remained pretty swollen and red despite antibiotic treatment, and my head felt about 3 times its normal size. I still went to classes, saw the sites of San Antonio, and had fun with my coworkers. I slept terribly during the trip - nice combo of new place, noisy air conditioning, and sickness. I felt a tiny bit better once I was on my way home, aside from the fact that during the last plane ride my right ear decided to clog completely, leaving me unable to hear from that ear (well, if I tipped my head down I heard a whooshing sound, similar to listening to a shell at the beach).

On a side note: during my trip my son was being treated for a double ear infection with Amoxi drops. He had been waking up multiple times crying in the middle of the night, was snotty nosed and coughing. This was going on for 2 weeks prior to my trip - which meant that for 2 weeks prior to the trip I was getting no sleep. Once I returned from the trip my son was STILL waking in the night, crying, coughing, etc. I took him for a recheck on Saturday and he has a resistant double ear infection and is now on yet another antibiotic (and one he HATES the taste of) for another 10 days. Here we are after 4 days of treatment and he is STILL crying in the middle of the night, fluid draining from his ears. Time to call the doctor again.

I think I just need a little more sleep. And a lot more coffee. But today I made my last cup of coffee to just spill it all over the floor. Fail for me.

I did manage to lose some weight prior to my trip - not as much as I wanted to - but I lost 5 pounds before going to Texas. I'm pretty sure I've gained a few back (Texas = fried food central) but at least I know I seem to be capable of losing SOME weight on my own. Just finished eating my overnight oats for breakfast prior to starting this blog, so one meal down and 2 to go. The McDonalds last night didn't help but I was exhausted on my way home and I had the kids to myself, as I do the rest of the week. Hubby is working OT at work (awesome) but it sucks to do it all yourself when you are so pooped out. *yawn*

I learned a lot about myself and other people during my trip to Texas. Some problems came to a head, so to speak, and I have been racking my brain over and over with simple questions. See, I'm a nice person. I'm not saying I'm ALWAYS nice and perfect, but I do feel like generally I'm a nice and caring person. I like to get along with people, do nice things for others, and make people happy. This is just my nature. So it is puzzling for me to know people who are different than I am. People that don't strive to be happy, people that seem to feed on negativity, and people who are kind to your face but mean behind your back. I don't understand those kinds of people. If I don't like someone, I'm not going to waste the time and energy to talk bad about them or be two faced. What's the point of that? I know that not everyone is a "giver" but I don't understand people who would rather live in such negativity, instead of just putting a damn smile on their faces.

On that note I'm off to be a mom and do my motherly-home-body duties - like cleaning this pig-pen style house. Ick. Toddlers are gross sometimes. Things get so messy so quickly.

Messes, food, and a bored SAHM

What in the world do stay-at-home mom's do? Excuse me if I insult those of you who are dying to stay home with your children all day, every day, but what do SAHM's do every day? Other than clean, take care of the house, take care of the kids, keep kids entertained/safe/alive, you kinda run out of things to do. The days just drag on, filled with tantrums, messes, meals, and diapers. I provide my children with books, toys, art supplies, fun things. But it still is not enough to fill 12-14 waking hours with activity. Especially stimulating activity for me, the mom! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love love love being with my kids. It's just that at this age I'm lacking stimulation beyond a conversation about glue or pooping, camel shaped animal crackers, or blues clues. Anyone know what I'm saying?

On another note this whole SAHM thing is making me want to bake more. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing. You know, trying to drop pounds while baking muffins is kinda a cancel the good out type of thing. This morning I made my kids blueberry pancakes using the Jiffy Blueberry muffin mix that I grew up eating as a kiddo. I even refrained from eating any (Victory is mine! shouted in a baby Stewie voice). I made myself some Turkey Chili which wasn't a complete disaster. I've never really gotten into the whole ground turkey craze, usually opting for ground beef, ground chicken, or more often using tofu. But a coworker of mine made me some awesome (and healthy) chili and I was inspired. I overcooked my turkey a bit in the chili, which gives it a bit of a chewy texture, but with a little sprinkle of cheese it's pretty good. I did myself proud. And while putting away cooking items I saw a recipe for biscuits on the baking powder container and now I'm thinking of trying to make some. Maybe even biscuits and gravy! I've had this vegetarian brown gravy mix for a while, maybe I'll whip some up.

I'm feeling pretty out of sorts today, probably a mix of my cold, the deadly meth like decongestant, and something else I can't quite pinpoint. Hard to focus, hard to do much except want to sleep. I'm brewing myself a cup-o-tea as I type this bit of gibberish.

I find myself newly inspired to be healthy, getting rid of the junk in my diet, and try to eat a little cleaner. Hubby want's to drop pounds too, and has actually considered trying P90x. I'll try it with him, just to be supportive, and hopefully I won't die in the process. Has anyone ever done it? Especially anyone already totally fat and outta shape? The tv infomercial for it shows a ton of in-shape people sweating and getting ripped shape by the p90x product, but no fat people. Makes me wonder if it will kill me. Could. Then again, maybe I'll walk away ripped and awesome. Hah, the visual I'm getting is laughable.

Screaming guts, sinuses, and children

Saw this picture and it made me LOL

For the love of god and all that is holy.... gah!

We're all having quite the time today - all of us are in recovery (or for me in the middle) of a terrible first preschool illness. My kids are grumpy, snotty nosed little beasts. Add a side of constipation to my son and a missing voice for me. Sprinkle in some coughing and dirty tissues. And like magic you have our house today. Both children are grumpy to the max, woke up before 7 am, and have been screaming banshees that are throwing their high-chair trays at each other WWF style without stuntmen. I'm tired, grumpy, and congested even after taking some of hubby's (meth making ingredient, pharmacist protected, under lock and key) decongestant.

I sigh (but alas it comes out as more of a snort, thank you snot). This is my life today and I can do nothing about it except deal with it. One foot in front of the other... or one dirty tissue after the other I should say.

Is drinking a beer before 5 really that bad? And what will happen since I took that decongestant? This could get interesting. Okay, so I'm not really drinking a beer right now but I won't lie and say I haven't thought about it.

So I have spent most of the morning devouring blogs left and right and trying to motivate myself to do something with myself that doesn't include downing brownies or running marathons. I've been in an emotional funk lately, thank you fatness, and can't seem to claw my way out of it these past few weeks. Of course there is more to it than my weight, but my weight certainly plays the largest (and I mean size 18+) part in it.

I am seeing this as the longest blog in my blogging history, and probably the longest blog I'll write in a while. My head is an effing mess of thoughts, work, life, kids, relationships, fat, food, worry, sickness. An explosion of time and effort in one little brain. Well, large brain. I'm smart damn it.

The biggest fish on my plate (yum, fish.. got some thawing in the fridge... Hey, fish is healthy!) is my self esteem. Oh to have self esteem! In my head and in my dreams I am the star of my life and unafraid to be center stage. But in the real world I am constantly and annoyingly aware of my size, shape, weight, and looks. I even hide from my husbands friends in fear they will make fun of him for having the fat wife. Now remember, I was 120 we we started dating almost 10 years ago (good god, it's been 9+ years already!). Of course I'm now 90 pounds heavier (and at one point during pregnancy was actually 130 pounds heavier than my tiny 120 pound beginner body!) I'm ashamed of myself and my body and that shame is a heavy burdon to carry daily. I tell you!

When it comes to drawing, writing, or reading it's great to have an overactive imagination. The stories you can create and see are amazing! But I have an overactive imagination that likes to whisper evil things in my head about what others may be thinking about me. When I order a drink at Starbucks I'm betting they are thinking it should have been non-fat. Or when I order a sandwich I'm betting they are wondering why I got cheese AND mayo. I know you other fat girls know what I'm talking about. As you enjoy your food at a restaurant, about to finish the last bite of your meal, you see your thin friend only half way through and about to... gasp... STOP eating and ask for a take-out box. You wonder, "Really? She's not going to finish her meal and yet I'm still feeling like I have room for more?" I read a blog recently and it was about turning down food, saying "NO" to sweets and things that are offered. She had said that her boyfriend is constantly turning down food - like cookies, candy, dinner items, even pie. What? You don't want PIE?!? Doesn't everyone want pie? They don't? I don't think I have turned down a sweet treat in ages and it makes me wonder... Why is it skinny people can easily say "NO" to things and yet me, a fairly normal fat person, just can't seem to say "NO" to anything? Is my no button broken?

I am constantly and agonizingly aware of my shape and size, the way my clothes hug my "curves" or the way my sagging tummy shows in my pants. I'm always pulling down my shirts, debating which cover the most without adding bulk, and dreading going out in public in anything other than my work scrubs. And my work scrub pants are practically painted on these days they are so tight, my scrub tops inching smaller and smaller (well, truth being I am growing bigger and bigger). I have lost my personality, my style. I used to dress like I felt, so rocker and skater, awesome and cool. One hot chick. But add some fat and you become too aware of the fact that YOU ARE FAT and no matter what you wear you LOOK FAT because YOU ARE FAT. Ugh ugh ugh. I just wanna buy cute clothes and FEEL GOOD in them but I know it wont happen until I drop some poundage.

I have had blood tests over and over hoping one day I will be diagnosed with an under-active thyroid. It would explain my fatigue, hair loss, weight gain, yada yada yada. But no matter how hard I wish it is never true. More blood work came back normal and I'm right at square one knowing the problem is probably me. Yeah, I did gain 60+ pounds in a month or two while I was on depo. Yeah, that's pretty abnormal. But staying this big is my own fault. My failure of will. My failure of strength. I try and when it doesn't work immediately I give up. The media bombards us fat girls with get slim quick gimmicks, even though as a whole us fat girls should know that it isn't the healthy or right way to drop the weight. But I can't help but want to be thin NOW.

I went raw 90-100% of the time for a month and lost 18 pounds. I gained 10 back since then, but at least I have kept off 7. But it was terrible. I DON'T REALLY LIKE RAW VEGETABLES! There, I said it. And that's my biggest problem for losing weight. The idea of eating a boring salad with vinegar dressing for lunch during the middle of a crazy busy work day is just NOT appealing. Even the thought of cooking dinner these days now that the kids are in school and I'm not even home until 5:30pm is exhausting. My day starts at 5am when I get up, and doesn't get a rest period at the end when I clock out at 5pm. I still need to get the kids, get home, get dinner done, clean up, and then get the kids ready for bed. 8:30pm and the kids are in bed, but I still need to make their lunch for preschool, my breakfast/lunch/snack for work, and finishing getting my things ready for the next day. It's an exhausting blend of day to day activities that leave me burnt out and ready for bed before the day is even over.

I was going to the gym for a while and yeah, it felt good. When I got up to 5 miles each cardio trip on the elliptical I felt pretty rockin. But it came with it's own headache. The guilt of not being home with the kids. The guilt of hubby having to do more stuff with the kids or even put them down by himself. I need to find a way to make time for me because not only is it good for my MENTAL health, it's good for my overall health and that in time is good for everyone. But the guilt is a heavy thing all on it's own. Making time for yourself when you are a GIVER and the type of person who takes care of everyone but yourself is the hardest thing to do. I'm open to suggestions.

Snack time for the kids. Yet another diaper change. Maybe even a potty pee break for me. Then back to the daily grind of laundry, cleaning up, and house work. Fuck you sickness, you can kiss my ass. I hate you. Thanks, and have a good day.