Screaming guts, sinuses, and children

Saw this picture and it made me LOL

For the love of god and all that is holy.... gah!

We're all having quite the time today - all of us are in recovery (or for me in the middle) of a terrible first preschool illness. My kids are grumpy, snotty nosed little beasts. Add a side of constipation to my son and a missing voice for me. Sprinkle in some coughing and dirty tissues. And like magic you have our house today. Both children are grumpy to the max, woke up before 7 am, and have been screaming banshees that are throwing their high-chair trays at each other WWF style without stuntmen. I'm tired, grumpy, and congested even after taking some of hubby's (meth making ingredient, pharmacist protected, under lock and key) decongestant.

I sigh (but alas it comes out as more of a snort, thank you snot). This is my life today and I can do nothing about it except deal with it. One foot in front of the other... or one dirty tissue after the other I should say.

Is drinking a beer before 5 really that bad? And what will happen since I took that decongestant? This could get interesting. Okay, so I'm not really drinking a beer right now but I won't lie and say I haven't thought about it.

So I have spent most of the morning devouring blogs left and right and trying to motivate myself to do something with myself that doesn't include downing brownies or running marathons. I've been in an emotional funk lately, thank you fatness, and can't seem to claw my way out of it these past few weeks. Of course there is more to it than my weight, but my weight certainly plays the largest (and I mean size 18+) part in it.

I am seeing this as the longest blog in my blogging history, and probably the longest blog I'll write in a while. My head is an effing mess of thoughts, work, life, kids, relationships, fat, food, worry, sickness. An explosion of time and effort in one little brain. Well, large brain. I'm smart damn it.

The biggest fish on my plate (yum, fish.. got some thawing in the fridge... Hey, fish is healthy!) is my self esteem. Oh to have self esteem! In my head and in my dreams I am the star of my life and unafraid to be center stage. But in the real world I am constantly and annoyingly aware of my size, shape, weight, and looks. I even hide from my husbands friends in fear they will make fun of him for having the fat wife. Now remember, I was 120 we we started dating almost 10 years ago (good god, it's been 9+ years already!). Of course I'm now 90 pounds heavier (and at one point during pregnancy was actually 130 pounds heavier than my tiny 120 pound beginner body!) I'm ashamed of myself and my body and that shame is a heavy burdon to carry daily. I tell you!

When it comes to drawing, writing, or reading it's great to have an overactive imagination. The stories you can create and see are amazing! But I have an overactive imagination that likes to whisper evil things in my head about what others may be thinking about me. When I order a drink at Starbucks I'm betting they are thinking it should have been non-fat. Or when I order a sandwich I'm betting they are wondering why I got cheese AND mayo. I know you other fat girls know what I'm talking about. As you enjoy your food at a restaurant, about to finish the last bite of your meal, you see your thin friend only half way through and about to... gasp... STOP eating and ask for a take-out box. You wonder, "Really? She's not going to finish her meal and yet I'm still feeling like I have room for more?" I read a blog recently and it was about turning down food, saying "NO" to sweets and things that are offered. She had said that her boyfriend is constantly turning down food - like cookies, candy, dinner items, even pie. What? You don't want PIE?!? Doesn't everyone want pie? They don't? I don't think I have turned down a sweet treat in ages and it makes me wonder... Why is it skinny people can easily say "NO" to things and yet me, a fairly normal fat person, just can't seem to say "NO" to anything? Is my no button broken?

I am constantly and agonizingly aware of my shape and size, the way my clothes hug my "curves" or the way my sagging tummy shows in my pants. I'm always pulling down my shirts, debating which cover the most without adding bulk, and dreading going out in public in anything other than my work scrubs. And my work scrub pants are practically painted on these days they are so tight, my scrub tops inching smaller and smaller (well, truth being I am growing bigger and bigger). I have lost my personality, my style. I used to dress like I felt, so rocker and skater, awesome and cool. One hot chick. But add some fat and you become too aware of the fact that YOU ARE FAT and no matter what you wear you LOOK FAT because YOU ARE FAT. Ugh ugh ugh. I just wanna buy cute clothes and FEEL GOOD in them but I know it wont happen until I drop some poundage.

I have had blood tests over and over hoping one day I will be diagnosed with an under-active thyroid. It would explain my fatigue, hair loss, weight gain, yada yada yada. But no matter how hard I wish it is never true. More blood work came back normal and I'm right at square one knowing the problem is probably me. Yeah, I did gain 60+ pounds in a month or two while I was on depo. Yeah, that's pretty abnormal. But staying this big is my own fault. My failure of will. My failure of strength. I try and when it doesn't work immediately I give up. The media bombards us fat girls with get slim quick gimmicks, even though as a whole us fat girls should know that it isn't the healthy or right way to drop the weight. But I can't help but want to be thin NOW.

I went raw 90-100% of the time for a month and lost 18 pounds. I gained 10 back since then, but at least I have kept off 7. But it was terrible. I DON'T REALLY LIKE RAW VEGETABLES! There, I said it. And that's my biggest problem for losing weight. The idea of eating a boring salad with vinegar dressing for lunch during the middle of a crazy busy work day is just NOT appealing. Even the thought of cooking dinner these days now that the kids are in school and I'm not even home until 5:30pm is exhausting. My day starts at 5am when I get up, and doesn't get a rest period at the end when I clock out at 5pm. I still need to get the kids, get home, get dinner done, clean up, and then get the kids ready for bed. 8:30pm and the kids are in bed, but I still need to make their lunch for preschool, my breakfast/lunch/snack for work, and finishing getting my things ready for the next day. It's an exhausting blend of day to day activities that leave me burnt out and ready for bed before the day is even over.

I was going to the gym for a while and yeah, it felt good. When I got up to 5 miles each cardio trip on the elliptical I felt pretty rockin. But it came with it's own headache. The guilt of not being home with the kids. The guilt of hubby having to do more stuff with the kids or even put them down by himself. I need to find a way to make time for me because not only is it good for my MENTAL health, it's good for my overall health and that in time is good for everyone. But the guilt is a heavy thing all on it's own. Making time for yourself when you are a GIVER and the type of person who takes care of everyone but yourself is the hardest thing to do. I'm open to suggestions.

Snack time for the kids. Yet another diaper change. Maybe even a potty pee break for me. Then back to the daily grind of laundry, cleaning up, and house work. Fuck you sickness, you can kiss my ass. I hate you. Thanks, and have a good day.