Here's to 2013

I had a brief internal debate on whether to start blogging or to paint my fingernails. I guess the writer won over the need to be girly. I shouldn't be that surprised.

I'm blogging. The thought alone is incredible. The fact that I've decided to once again put my thoughts out there is more than I thought I'd ever consider doing again. The question of where to start has been nagging at me for weeks. However the joy of being a writer is that you can JUST WRITE. There doesn't need to be a beginning or end to a story here. I can just write for the sake of writing. I can write just because it feels good to do so. What a thought! What a wonderful thing!

I had almost decided to start with my thoughts on monogamy, heh, but decided I'd save that heavy hitter for another day. I read a blog (to remain unnamed) and it made me feel so much I could probably publish a novel just based on that singular blog entry. I guess thats why we read blogs - to enjoy, to feel, to relate. Or in my case to get real mad and feel like I need to state my side of that subject. Hah!

I've decided to start this blog, five days into 2013, by documenting ringing in the New Year, a touch of family, and to also lay down the foundation for my upcoming goals for 2013. (And as I say, "a touch of family" I realize that the whole subject of family could make a very revealing future blog... as my nephew says, "what happened to our branch of the family tree? Did someone just cut it off?" Yes my dear boy, they did...)

2013: For me this year sparks a new beginning on many levels. I rang in the New Year surrounded by extraordinary people. There's nothing quite like being with intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and loving people. (Where have they been my whole life?!) As the New Year goes with said people, we wrote down our thoughts, hopes, dreams, etc on wood and burned it in the fire. I burned two pieces: 1 was of me making a goal to love myself more this year, 2 was a goal to move on. In a sense the two go hand in hand, but are both independent of one another simultaneously. Then ending the evening snuggling next to a man I love, and waking to spend a day with him, made for a fantastic start to 2013.

Surviving the holidays for 2012 was challenging beyond belief. I continue to miss my father as the years go by. I miss him in the kitchen on Thanksgiving, fixing my mothers failed stuffing. I miss him dancing around to the music in his head during the chaos at dinner time. I often think of his smiling face and pensive eyes, his laugh, and his love. Especially now that my mother and I are estranged, I miss his presence even more. My last real conversation with my mother was her reminding me that she's "not my mother" and to "not call her mother". The dysfunction grows extreme. Its hard to believe my fathers last words to me the day before he died were that he loved my mother and that she deserved better. I try my best to keep those words in my head, but they ring so false in my heart.

I spent Thanksgiving of 2012 with my children. I cried a lot. I got a voicemail from my aunt (my mothers sister) who has a very skewed picture of what life is like in my mothers home. She told me I was cold hearted, that my ex had fucked me up, and that if anything happens to my mom she will not let me live it down. I guess my mom has been making death threats and somehow that is my fault. Its hard when your family doesn't understand. When someone is ill and refuses help, its then out of your hands. I tried my best to remind myself of that on the day I was to be THANKFUL. I sure was not thankful for the earful I got from my aunt, as well as the earful my sister got about how terrible I am, and how my sister is so much better than that.

Christmas I was sicker than I have been in years, but somehow the holiday this year (2012) became something I will cherish. Dating someone whose family has taken me in and given me that "family feeling" is something indescribable. Having spent the last few Christmases with my life in turmoil, it was wonderful to just feel love. I am so thankful. It brings tears to my eyes to just write about this. You just don't realize how alone you feel in the world until you are shown real love.

Now that I'm snotting everywhere I will end this blog entry (which ended up much heavier than I anticipated) with a summary of my goals for 2013. I'm sure future entires will elaborate on each of them as time goes on.
1. Get my divorce finalized
2. Make an appointment with a counsellor for the SRJC and start working on my goal of becoming a teacher
3. Take better care of myself
4. Read much more
5. Find my creative outlet and groove... and DONT LOSE IT AGAIN
6. Love without fear. Love with all of my heart.

Here's to 2013. May many dreams be achieved for all of us. And if not, at least let us have a little fun while we are at it.