My niece would say I'm emo

My head is pounding.

And no matter what I do I cant seem to make myself happy.

I also bought hair dye today, though I have yet to put it on my head.

I feel so conflicted about the dumbest shit these days...

I wrote this random thing one day when feeling overwhelmingly anxious:

The anxiety
turning me into someone else
a version of self that I'm somehow stuck in
It seems like
through this mess I lost myself
while finally out from the oppression of someone else.
I found a small piece of me
and blew it up to what I thought they'd want to see.
Now I sit here wondering
what went wrong
what does not fit
what doesn't belong...

I keep hearing that my life will change
the rain will let up
and one day again I may feel the sun shine down on my face
the rays helping me to replace
all the tension that keeps carrying me on.
But these people are wrong...
You see
despite how hard I try to be the best for me
the universe keeps testing me
and trying me.
Pushing me down until I feel my bones
they break
and some days it even tries to stop my heart
but somehow...
I just keep moving on.


I want to say my new birth control has me feeling depressed. Or maybe its that my life has been in turmoil for the past few months, occasionally settling down for a momentary reprise, and then starting up with shit again. I was under this silly impression that once I moved that my life would be "easy" but instead I have had more crap to deal with. I just feel like my coping mechanisms are broken, and I'm having trouble being ME. I want to sleep all the time. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to get dressed beyond pjs. I don't want to do my makeup or dress up. I feel bleh. Depression I suppose is what I'm feeling. But why? Again I ask myself what is causing this crap feeling to stick around?

I miss my dad. Had another dream about him last night and in my dream I sobbed at the sight of him. He looked so healthy and happy. My heart aches today.

On top of all of this I just keep feeling like I don't know who the hell I am anymore. Like I said, I'm conflicted about dying my stupid hair. My haircut was a mistake and this process of growing it out is horrid. My clothes don't fit me well anymore thanks to my 6+ pound weight gain the past few months (again, I blame my change in birth control) and my skin is freaking out. I'm stressed all the time and have been consistently for a few months now. I just don't know what will make me feel better. I know this is a process that I have to go through and when I figure my shit out I will be better. Right now I'm just lingering in limbo.

For now I'm trying to eat cleaner. Trying to take better care of myself because I have neglected me the same way I used to years ago. I've even tried working out a little bit the past few weeks. I think as the weather warms up I need to start going out more on walks, hikes, and maybe some time runs (if my back doesn't break first).

Signing off and out and all of that.