Metric on repeat all day every day. At least thats how its been the past few days. Plug in, plug out... just so damn good it hurts. Even my boy is singing it.

Today in the internet world a real deal Suicide Girl started following me on Instagram. I cant explain the ridiculous glee this brought me. Why? Let me explain my fascination.

One day I will write solely about my feelings on alter egos and playing characters, but for now I will just discuss the tip (just the tip) of this world. I follow a dozen or so Suicide Girls on Instagram. Last year I submitted photographs and an application to become one, and it was actually accepted. I never did my set to finish my application and go into member review, and there are a variety of reasons for this. First, I lost my photographer (she worried her girlfriend would feel uncomfortable, which I completely respected and understood). Second, strangely the more weight I lost the less sexy/crazy/beautiful I felt. Third, naked on the internet forever is serious business.

I have battled with my self esteem my entire life. Having been a fat kid and experienced the trauma of being made fun of, puberty at an early age, and all that goes with it I have very little self esteem left in me. I try, god do I try, to love myself. Its one of life's most difficult challenges for me. So when I had the crazy idea to apply to be a Suicide Girl I never thought in a million years I'd get a YES on my application, and a down pour of encouragement by friends and family to actually go through with it. I'm self conscious and SHY for gods sake. Yet somehow attaining this goal, becoming a real Suicide Girl, would somehow say to the me "LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! YOURE AMAZING!" I know it sounds a little ridiculous, but it would be the icing on the cake to show me how far I've come.

In 2008 I was nearly 100 pounds heavier than I am right now. In the beginning of 2011 I was over 200 pounds and a size 22 pants. These days I sit comfortably in a size 12, which is a number I haven't seen since my early high school days. Despite these numbers in front of me I don't feel much better about myself. Weight loss is great, but in a way its made my body harder to live with. A sagging shell of what used to be. So now I wanna get naked for the world to see this, what am I thinking?!

Validation. Admiration. Encouragement for others that have been where I am. I suppose those are all examples of why I thought about doing this. Giving light to a side of me that I hid for so many years with my ex-husband sounded phenomenal. Giving breath to the person who hid under the fat sad exterior. Yet here I am, continuing to battle my "to do it or not to do it" question. Rinse, repeat. Day in and day out.

Seeing a real Suicide Girl decide to follow me, a random girl, on Instagram made me feel a little silly and special. I cant quite explain why. She's just a girl, same as me. I admire all of these girls because they are beautiful and appear happy within themselves. I don't know for sure that they really feel that way, but at least the image is encouraging to girls like me. I love the fact so many post that they "do it for themselves" not so that creeps can oogle them. Thats exactly how I'd feel and why I'd do it. I'd do it for me (and of course I'd do it for my boyfriend, because hopefully he'd think it was kinda hot, lol).

So that summarizes me and my love of some characters. Its time for lunch and dreams.
-xo <3 p="">