Finding a balance

I don't know how much time I'm going to have to write this.
Scratch that.
I've got 20 minutes before I have to leave my house today and figured since there's so much swimming in my mind that I may as well blog it the fuck out.

First off,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BOYFRIEND! You are the most amazing man I have the privilege of knowing and I am so excited to spend another birthday with you. XOXOXO

Secondly,
Today I decided that I really need to give myself a damn break. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table. I've taken my supplements for this morning. I'm drinking a matcha green tea smoothie (that I made). I worked out hard yesterday morning prior to going to work. Before that I ran (I RAN) some and walked some at Spring Lake (a total of nearly 5 miles) over the weekend. I should be proud of myself, right? Well, here's the thing. Until last night, I wasn't.

I come from a family where if my mother over ate or over indulged in something "rich" she would in turn make herself vomit. She obsessed about what she ate. Self punishment was a learned behavior. So when I started down this path of trying to be healthy (about 3-4 weeks ago now, once I found out I had low zinc levels) I didn't think these bad habits would creep in.  I did well at first. I worked out, I counted calories, I logged my food, I wore my bodymedia band, I made healthy choices. But as the weeks went on I started obsessing about what calories I ate. I started eating less and less. Granted the supplements I'm taking (vitamins, etc) do lower my appetite, but not as low as I felt it was going. Some days over the past 3 weeks I didn't even hit 1000 calories per day. Plus I've been exercising. At first I was exercising 4-5 times a week, 30 minutes at a time. By the second week I was trying to exercise twice a day some days. By this third week I've hit the point of panic when I can't get a workout in. How is this good for me?

These past few weeks I've lost weight. I was so happy in the beginning. I started weighing myself once a week at first. Then a few times. By this third week I was weighing myself multiple times a day. And guess what? I gained weight. And while I am writing about giving myself a break I will admit that I weighed myself this morning even though I told myself I wouldn't. Baby steps.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe its in my best interest to stop counting my calories for a few weeks. Stop obsessing over everything that goes in my mouth. I am afraid that if I don't stop I'm going to continue to fuck up my progress. I'll end up feeling like a failure every day that I don't lose weight or hit a goal. How is that good for me? I need to continue to exercise (and not stress when I cant or stress when its a REST day - like Kelly from kellymartellfitness.com says, your body needs a rest day to recover). I should be PROUD of myself for staying active. I enjoy it, I really do. I love sweating and feeling like I've accomplished something. I should be proud of how far I've come already with my endurance and stamina while exercising. My boyfriend is always telling me how proud of me he is for sticking to this whole "being active" thing. I should listen to him more.

I forced myself to write this instead of work out. I think its good for me to get this out and see it with my own eyes. I cant change all of these bad habits without trying. To change you must acknowledge where you're fucking up and work on figuring out how to fix it. For me today, trying to fix my obsession with my weight and counting calories is to just STOP. Breathe. Enjoy when I get to work out. Don't stress so much when I cant. I mean, thats the whole point of this. I started trying to be healthy to lower my stress levels and instead started stressing about being healthy. Heh. Sometimes I have to wonder how I'm a functioning adult with all of these life long issues. Flawed and imperfect but totally holding myself accountable. I sure as shit wish more people could say the same.

That's all my time for now. Next time I'll write about a pony I know that twerked up a rainbow during that trip to candy mountain. That's what people want to read about anyway, right?