RANT RANT RANT

This is just going to be a full out bitch session. My brain is foggy and far to tired to essay this shit out in one concise piece about all the feels I'm having. So here goes.

This past week I've had a horrible UTI (urinary tract infection, for those who don't speak my lingo). I had back pain and fatigue, low grade fever, all that crap. Urinalysis pointed to more of a kidney infection but doctor pretty much blew me off saying if anything I may also have kidney stones. I took my 3 days of antibiotics and for the most part the peeing issues are gone. When I went in for my urinalysis I also had some repeat bloodwork to see how my iron levels were coming up. I'm happy to report that my ferritin has come up (though still not at 70, my current value is 44 which is up from 30). My iron binding values have gone down to normal, which is also a good thing. HOWEVER, at the suggestion of my boyfriend I asked to have my zinc levels checked. Turns out they are low as well. Come again?

What does that mean? What does that mean for me and the craptastic way that I'm constantly feeling? I wish I knew. Unfortunately my doctor has done nothing other than recommend I pick up a zinc supplement. *sigh* Here's where I wish I were a naive idiot. I wish that I would just say, "Sure, doctor, whatever you say!" and move on with my life. But I'm too fucking stubborn and too fucking educated to do that. I'm tired of the doctor blowing me off. It took 3 years of stomach issues before a doctor not only told me I had IBD but directed me to gastroenterology. 3 years of suffering before knowing SOMETHING.

Based on all my research (#internetresearchhag) I've found that zinc and iron are minerals that go hand in hand (heavy metals, as my boyfriend says). I've also read that when you are lacking both that you should avoid calorie restrictive diets. Some also have lists of foods to avoid for one, while the other boosts one. Plus then there are articles from medical journals stating how dangerous zinc supplementation can be. Or that if you take zinc it can lower your iron levels (which I have been trying to get to normal levels as it is!) I just wish I knew what the fuck to do!

I'm already trying to cut gluten out of my diet. I'm trying to eat more meat to help increase my iron levels. However, I've gained 14 pounds in the past 6 months that I'm desperately trying to get rid of. I worked out and watched what I ate and over the course of a week I gained 4 pounds. It's just funny. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I had to stop exercising because first I re-tweaked my back at work (heavy dead dogs to lift) and then I got that UTI and it shot my back to shit. *sigh again and again*

I just wish someone could say, "you know, you feel like crap because of ________ and if you do ______ it will get better!" I need SOMETHING. Some sort of fucking information to help me put the pieces together and make sense of why I feel so damn shitty. My doctor must HATE me. I'm that annoying person asking for tests and asking for reasons. Nag nag nag nag. But I'm so tired of feeling unwell! My energy is gone. I am constantly drained. I used to be able to get to the evening before feeling the slump and now I'm lucky if I make it till 11am before feeling like all I want is sleep. It makes it hard to do ANYTHING. I feel like the worst parent in the world because I barely have enough energy to just get through the damn day let alone be an interactive parent (to be the kind of parent I really want to be to them).

This week I've started having more bad shedding days with my hair. Tonight I found a pea sized circular spot on the side of head near my ear (where before they were primarily on the top of my head). I know its just a small spot, but its one of many. My hairloss is so diffuse that most days I feel like it isn't even worth having hair. It drives me crazy. If I had enough hair I'd just grow it and put it up 24/7 (which is where I'm heading) but by the time its long enough its going to look so awful.

It doesn't help that I'm still constantly stressed. I'm trying so hard to figure out things to help me deal with life and deal with feeling shitty. I write a lot (though I never blog it). I bake. I read. I have started watching tv shows at night (which I enjoy). I want to say that stress is what has contributed to my weight gain, considering I haven't drastically changed my diet and started parading around with a gallon of pepsi while dipping doughnuts in mayonnaise. I cut fast food out of my life (except the one time we had in and out recently, just one time) for the past few months and yet I gain. I stopped eating sweets at work, no goodies from the owners of all the pets we care for. No pizza during busy work days when the company buys lunch. None of that. Yet what. the. fuck. I am miserable.

My biggest frustration with the weight is that I feel like I did 2 years ago. I'm sluggish and feel foggy headed most of the time. I feel like I'm stuck in a fat suit that I cant make go away. When I dropped 60# I have no idea how it happened. I changed NOTHING, I just lost weight. Then it stopped. Now i'm going back up the scale. I seem to be steadily gaining at least a pound a week the past few weeks. It's driving me insane. I don't fit in any of my clothing. I'm so self conscious I could scream. Bald and fat. DAMN IT.

I'm grumpy. I'm sorry. I'm just tired of being tired. And YES, for those of you who have asked and who may ask... I DO want to do acupuncture and I DO want to see my dermatologist again and I DO want to make more rechecks with my regular doctor where I can better advocate for myself... but I just don't have the money. There is honesty for you. I hate feeling like people judge me or feel like I have no follow through with stuff like this. I don't WANT to feel like shit. I WANT to do something about it. I take my supplements (iron and as of today zinc), I try to eat healthy, I try to exercise. I'm trying really hard to do all the FREE type stuff I can do for myself. But lets face it. I'm a single mom. I hate to use the single mom card but its the god damned truth. I make sure that my kids have everything they need. I go without before they do. I do the basics to keep myself going and sane so they can have everything they need. Thats what parents do. But you know, at least I have goals. I have things I WANT to do for myself and for my health and some time I will. Right now I just CANT. When I barely have $300 left over after paying bills and rent, that just gets me by with gas and groceries. Every doctor visit costs me $40, plus the costs of meds. As it is I OWE Kaiser $60 from lab stuff they billed me for after appointments. I fucking hate money. HATE IT.

Lets just throw some shit out here shall we? Here's my want list. Its for life, not for this week or this month. These are my goals for my future.

1. Buy a farm, live the farm life. Grow produce, be organically sustained. Have farm animals. Drink fresh milk, eat fresh eggs. Work the land, sow the benefits. This would make me happier than anything I could even imagine! Thinking of my kids running around on the farm. Thinking of an old two story farm house, hearing them run up the stairs. Watching them collect eggs, milk cows, eat apples off the trees. Collecting honey from our bees. Tire swings and tree houses. THAT is the life I want. That is such a beautiful thought. I don't want a busy city, noise pollution, light pollution, cars in my driveway. I just want fresh air, fields of grass, animals, nature.

2. Go back to school. For what, I don't know. I get frustrated knowing that so many of my dreams will take me years to achieve. I get frustrated with myself thinking of how I cant afford to quit my job and just go to school full time, especially considering I live check to check making as much as I do.

3. Make things! Whether its cooking or art or music or whatever. Maybe it will be all the organically sustained beauty products I will make or things I will bake using my farm.  Sell them. Circle of life.

4. To be HAPPY with myself. Be happy with my life. Live with less stress. Be in the moment, not stressing about the future and failing to really LIVE.

I hate knowing buying a house is not anywhere close to my future. My ex and I claimed bankruptcy in 2011 thanks to.. well, I wont get into why. But it screwed my credit and it screwed my options after he and I split. I couldn't even rent places in the ghetto of my city because of the bankruptcy on my record. Apartment complexes said that they wouldn't rent to me for two years. So I took whatever places I could get, which never were the perfect ones for me. My ex got incredibly lucky that he moved right when our BK was going through. He got a good place and was never bothered by the bankruptcy. I had to buy a car 2 months after and my interest rate is definitely not pretty. But you do what you have to do. I just wish that at nearly 30 I was not starting all fucking over. I hate worrying about where I'm going to live, paying rent on a temporary home. I cant save where I am. Even if I could, I'd be saving toward things for my kids first. We already go without a lot of things, I don't have any other corners to cut. Money just sucks.

I feel like I'm just a big sour ass tonight. Maybe I am. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, though I doubt it. Pessimistic jerk. Yeah, thats me. But life has just dealt me so much shit the past few years that I'm ready for a good card. I know I have some really wonderful thing in my life, don't get me wrong. I'd just like some STRESS FREE TIME for a while. Please and thanks.

Time for Supernatural and my bed. Night ya'll.