Dirty little secret

It's really strange to find myself wanting to blog about things from my past. I think it comes from a place of cleansing. A place of wanting to rid myself of feelings and memories so that they can perhaps stop clouding my mind at the strangest times.

While cleaning up from cooking breakfast this morning I felt an all too familiar feeling of insecurity creeping into my mind. I had be texting with the boyfriend and felt that nagging feeling of "you're texting too much". Now he has not told me this and has actually told me directly that I don't text too much. We have had full on conversations about this. So where was this coming from? I know in part it comes from a conversation the boyfriend and I had the other night. I got really upset at something and I know a big part of it was from past emotions, past feelings. He had acted a way that was very different than he normally does and I felt my inner self panic. While he said he was fine and he was kind to me, I remembered well the feeling of loving someone who pretended to love you back. Because his actions were so different my gut was telling me something was wrong despite what his words were telling me. I know that he loves me, like really does love me, but that feeling nagged at me. So today I started playing connect the dots and it brought me back to another moment with my ex.

Long ago my ex husband and I used to chat on the computer while he was at work. I'm sure somewhere in my gmail account you can find chats between the two of us that date back to 2007-2008, before we really were that unhappy. It made me remember times that were closer, 2010+, where he would tell me he didn't have time to talk to me during the day, that I messaged too much, that he was busy and to stop. It became a thing that irritated him and I felt discarded. That feeling then went to another dot, another negative memory of him chatting with others. In particular it made me remember the minor; the young girl (of only 15 when he started talking to her), that he would chat with.

I knew about them talking. Of course he said he thought she was 18 when they began their "friendship" but soon he discovered she was 15 when they started talking (and was now 16). She was in high school, didn't even have her drivers permit, let alone a license or car, and sometimes hitch hiked to school. She chain smoked. She drank on camera (online). She seemed like a sad girl. Part of me felt bad for her for the situation her life was in. The other part felt bad about the fact that an adult, with children and a wife, was talking to her... I struggled with this and tried to be understanding but one day my ex husband left his chat open on the laptop we shared and I saw all the things he was saying to her. "you're a real catch" he says. He tells her how attractive she is. He talks to her about sex and her sexual exploits with others. He talks to her about some older guy who she got mad at because he wanted more, yet here was my ex saying all of these things. He went "shopping" at the market she worked at, coming home with a bag of apples, yet full groceries from another store. "but I like their produce" he would say to me, and "no she's not working today". I felt sick, I felt angry. (And as a side note I found out that the day he bought the apples was a day he met her at her work. He lied to me, to my face accusing me of being "crazy and paranoid". I kept telling myself that maybe I was crazy, and that I was just a jealous wife... but then I heard the story from HER mouth. He went to meet her and tried to make me feel like I was making it up. Ugh.) I felt like a father and husband should not have a friendship like this with someone I viewed as a child. What if she found a way to get him in trouble? What if he ended up in jail because of something she said, something she pins on him (the adult), and he misses out on his kids?

He and another friend took her to a concert where his friend bought her alcohol. They all got high. *sigh* I had married a real piece of work. I struggle with this, I struggle with wondering what his current girlfriend thinks of this man. Does she know of his past transgressions? What would she say? She seems so normal and nice, she treats my children well. Sometimes she reminds me of the girl I used to be. I wonder if she knows but doesn't care. I don't know what bothers me more.

So internet, here it is. One little dirty detail from my past. I know in a way its just my ramblings and my own way to get this out of me. It's not something I want to think about anymore. I want this memory and the feelings associated with it gone. Its gross and its dirty. It reminds me of the ugly person I had become, digging for all the truths through the lies he told me. I snooped and I looked for more and of course I kept finding it. I was bad for looking, and he was bad for lying. It was a disgusting dynamic that we had created and brewed in our home. I'm glad its over. More glad that I could ever explain. I'm a much healthier person now. I'm happier. And dating someone you can actually communicate with and be completely honest with… it's a breath of fresh air. I am so lucky to be in love with such a man as I am today. Thanks to him I can continue to grow and learn and be so very happy.