Finding a balance

I don't know how much time I'm going to have to write this.
Scratch that.
I've got 20 minutes before I have to leave my house today and figured since there's so much swimming in my mind that I may as well blog it the fuck out.

First off,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BOYFRIEND! You are the most amazing man I have the privilege of knowing and I am so excited to spend another birthday with you. XOXOXO

Secondly,
Today I decided that I really need to give myself a damn break. I'm sitting here at my kitchen table. I've taken my supplements for this morning. I'm drinking a matcha green tea smoothie (that I made). I worked out hard yesterday morning prior to going to work. Before that I ran (I RAN) some and walked some at Spring Lake (a total of nearly 5 miles) over the weekend. I should be proud of myself, right? Well, here's the thing. Until last night, I wasn't.

I come from a family where if my mother over ate or over indulged in something "rich" she would in turn make herself vomit. She obsessed about what she ate. Self punishment was a learned behavior. So when I started down this path of trying to be healthy (about 3-4 weeks ago now, once I found out I had low zinc levels) I didn't think these bad habits would creep in.  I did well at first. I worked out, I counted calories, I logged my food, I wore my bodymedia band, I made healthy choices. But as the weeks went on I started obsessing about what calories I ate. I started eating less and less. Granted the supplements I'm taking (vitamins, etc) do lower my appetite, but not as low as I felt it was going. Some days over the past 3 weeks I didn't even hit 1000 calories per day. Plus I've been exercising. At first I was exercising 4-5 times a week, 30 minutes at a time. By the second week I was trying to exercise twice a day some days. By this third week I've hit the point of panic when I can't get a workout in. How is this good for me?

These past few weeks I've lost weight. I was so happy in the beginning. I started weighing myself once a week at first. Then a few times. By this third week I was weighing myself multiple times a day. And guess what? I gained weight. And while I am writing about giving myself a break I will admit that I weighed myself this morning even though I told myself I wouldn't. Baby steps.

What I'm trying to say is that I believe its in my best interest to stop counting my calories for a few weeks. Stop obsessing over everything that goes in my mouth. I am afraid that if I don't stop I'm going to continue to fuck up my progress. I'll end up feeling like a failure every day that I don't lose weight or hit a goal. How is that good for me? I need to continue to exercise (and not stress when I cant or stress when its a REST day - like Kelly from kellymartellfitness.com says, your body needs a rest day to recover). I should be PROUD of myself for staying active. I enjoy it, I really do. I love sweating and feeling like I've accomplished something. I should be proud of how far I've come already with my endurance and stamina while exercising. My boyfriend is always telling me how proud of me he is for sticking to this whole "being active" thing. I should listen to him more.

I forced myself to write this instead of work out. I think its good for me to get this out and see it with my own eyes. I cant change all of these bad habits without trying. To change you must acknowledge where you're fucking up and work on figuring out how to fix it. For me today, trying to fix my obsession with my weight and counting calories is to just STOP. Breathe. Enjoy when I get to work out. Don't stress so much when I cant. I mean, thats the whole point of this. I started trying to be healthy to lower my stress levels and instead started stressing about being healthy. Heh. Sometimes I have to wonder how I'm a functioning adult with all of these life long issues. Flawed and imperfect but totally holding myself accountable. I sure as shit wish more people could say the same.

That's all my time for now. Next time I'll write about a pony I know that twerked up a rainbow during that trip to candy mountain. That's what people want to read about anyway, right?

RANT RANT RANT

This is just going to be a full out bitch session. My brain is foggy and far to tired to essay this shit out in one concise piece about all the feels I'm having. So here goes.

This past week I've had a horrible UTI (urinary tract infection, for those who don't speak my lingo). I had back pain and fatigue, low grade fever, all that crap. Urinalysis pointed to more of a kidney infection but doctor pretty much blew me off saying if anything I may also have kidney stones. I took my 3 days of antibiotics and for the most part the peeing issues are gone. When I went in for my urinalysis I also had some repeat bloodwork to see how my iron levels were coming up. I'm happy to report that my ferritin has come up (though still not at 70, my current value is 44 which is up from 30). My iron binding values have gone down to normal, which is also a good thing. HOWEVER, at the suggestion of my boyfriend I asked to have my zinc levels checked. Turns out they are low as well. Come again?

What does that mean? What does that mean for me and the craptastic way that I'm constantly feeling? I wish I knew. Unfortunately my doctor has done nothing other than recommend I pick up a zinc supplement. *sigh* Here's where I wish I were a naive idiot. I wish that I would just say, "Sure, doctor, whatever you say!" and move on with my life. But I'm too fucking stubborn and too fucking educated to do that. I'm tired of the doctor blowing me off. It took 3 years of stomach issues before a doctor not only told me I had IBD but directed me to gastroenterology. 3 years of suffering before knowing SOMETHING.

Based on all my research (#internetresearchhag) I've found that zinc and iron are minerals that go hand in hand (heavy metals, as my boyfriend says). I've also read that when you are lacking both that you should avoid calorie restrictive diets. Some also have lists of foods to avoid for one, while the other boosts one. Plus then there are articles from medical journals stating how dangerous zinc supplementation can be. Or that if you take zinc it can lower your iron levels (which I have been trying to get to normal levels as it is!) I just wish I knew what the fuck to do!

I'm already trying to cut gluten out of my diet. I'm trying to eat more meat to help increase my iron levels. However, I've gained 14 pounds in the past 6 months that I'm desperately trying to get rid of. I worked out and watched what I ate and over the course of a week I gained 4 pounds. It's just funny. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I had to stop exercising because first I re-tweaked my back at work (heavy dead dogs to lift) and then I got that UTI and it shot my back to shit. *sigh again and again*

I just wish someone could say, "you know, you feel like crap because of ________ and if you do ______ it will get better!" I need SOMETHING. Some sort of fucking information to help me put the pieces together and make sense of why I feel so damn shitty. My doctor must HATE me. I'm that annoying person asking for tests and asking for reasons. Nag nag nag nag. But I'm so tired of feeling unwell! My energy is gone. I am constantly drained. I used to be able to get to the evening before feeling the slump and now I'm lucky if I make it till 11am before feeling like all I want is sleep. It makes it hard to do ANYTHING. I feel like the worst parent in the world because I barely have enough energy to just get through the damn day let alone be an interactive parent (to be the kind of parent I really want to be to them).

This week I've started having more bad shedding days with my hair. Tonight I found a pea sized circular spot on the side of head near my ear (where before they were primarily on the top of my head). I know its just a small spot, but its one of many. My hairloss is so diffuse that most days I feel like it isn't even worth having hair. It drives me crazy. If I had enough hair I'd just grow it and put it up 24/7 (which is where I'm heading) but by the time its long enough its going to look so awful.

It doesn't help that I'm still constantly stressed. I'm trying so hard to figure out things to help me deal with life and deal with feeling shitty. I write a lot (though I never blog it). I bake. I read. I have started watching tv shows at night (which I enjoy). I want to say that stress is what has contributed to my weight gain, considering I haven't drastically changed my diet and started parading around with a gallon of pepsi while dipping doughnuts in mayonnaise. I cut fast food out of my life (except the one time we had in and out recently, just one time) for the past few months and yet I gain. I stopped eating sweets at work, no goodies from the owners of all the pets we care for. No pizza during busy work days when the company buys lunch. None of that. Yet what. the. fuck. I am miserable.

My biggest frustration with the weight is that I feel like I did 2 years ago. I'm sluggish and feel foggy headed most of the time. I feel like I'm stuck in a fat suit that I cant make go away. When I dropped 60# I have no idea how it happened. I changed NOTHING, I just lost weight. Then it stopped. Now i'm going back up the scale. I seem to be steadily gaining at least a pound a week the past few weeks. It's driving me insane. I don't fit in any of my clothing. I'm so self conscious I could scream. Bald and fat. DAMN IT.

I'm grumpy. I'm sorry. I'm just tired of being tired. And YES, for those of you who have asked and who may ask... I DO want to do acupuncture and I DO want to see my dermatologist again and I DO want to make more rechecks with my regular doctor where I can better advocate for myself... but I just don't have the money. There is honesty for you. I hate feeling like people judge me or feel like I have no follow through with stuff like this. I don't WANT to feel like shit. I WANT to do something about it. I take my supplements (iron and as of today zinc), I try to eat healthy, I try to exercise. I'm trying really hard to do all the FREE type stuff I can do for myself. But lets face it. I'm a single mom. I hate to use the single mom card but its the god damned truth. I make sure that my kids have everything they need. I go without before they do. I do the basics to keep myself going and sane so they can have everything they need. Thats what parents do. But you know, at least I have goals. I have things I WANT to do for myself and for my health and some time I will. Right now I just CANT. When I barely have $300 left over after paying bills and rent, that just gets me by with gas and groceries. Every doctor visit costs me $40, plus the costs of meds. As it is I OWE Kaiser $60 from lab stuff they billed me for after appointments. I fucking hate money. HATE IT.

Lets just throw some shit out here shall we? Here's my want list. Its for life, not for this week or this month. These are my goals for my future.

1. Buy a farm, live the farm life. Grow produce, be organically sustained. Have farm animals. Drink fresh milk, eat fresh eggs. Work the land, sow the benefits. This would make me happier than anything I could even imagine! Thinking of my kids running around on the farm. Thinking of an old two story farm house, hearing them run up the stairs. Watching them collect eggs, milk cows, eat apples off the trees. Collecting honey from our bees. Tire swings and tree houses. THAT is the life I want. That is such a beautiful thought. I don't want a busy city, noise pollution, light pollution, cars in my driveway. I just want fresh air, fields of grass, animals, nature.

2. Go back to school. For what, I don't know. I get frustrated knowing that so many of my dreams will take me years to achieve. I get frustrated with myself thinking of how I cant afford to quit my job and just go to school full time, especially considering I live check to check making as much as I do.

3. Make things! Whether its cooking or art or music or whatever. Maybe it will be all the organically sustained beauty products I will make or things I will bake using my farm.  Sell them. Circle of life.

4. To be HAPPY with myself. Be happy with my life. Live with less stress. Be in the moment, not stressing about the future and failing to really LIVE.

I hate knowing buying a house is not anywhere close to my future. My ex and I claimed bankruptcy in 2011 thanks to.. well, I wont get into why. But it screwed my credit and it screwed my options after he and I split. I couldn't even rent places in the ghetto of my city because of the bankruptcy on my record. Apartment complexes said that they wouldn't rent to me for two years. So I took whatever places I could get, which never were the perfect ones for me. My ex got incredibly lucky that he moved right when our BK was going through. He got a good place and was never bothered by the bankruptcy. I had to buy a car 2 months after and my interest rate is definitely not pretty. But you do what you have to do. I just wish that at nearly 30 I was not starting all fucking over. I hate worrying about where I'm going to live, paying rent on a temporary home. I cant save where I am. Even if I could, I'd be saving toward things for my kids first. We already go without a lot of things, I don't have any other corners to cut. Money just sucks.

I feel like I'm just a big sour ass tonight. Maybe I am. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow, though I doubt it. Pessimistic jerk. Yeah, thats me. But life has just dealt me so much shit the past few years that I'm ready for a good card. I know I have some really wonderful thing in my life, don't get me wrong. I'd just like some STRESS FREE TIME for a while. Please and thanks.

Time for Supernatural and my bed. Night ya'll.

GO GREY

I decided to keep the title even though it doesn't make sense anymore.  This is the problem with me blogging the way that I do.  I'm too fixated on making it like an essay that when it sounds more like a mash up I never post it.  I like my writing to be linear but lately its just a mess.  So heres my current mess.

My brother called me multiple times this week.  I finally called him back because I knew he wouldn't stop until we spoke.  He just wanted someone to talk to.  It's sad really.  He lives on the east coast and is basically a stranger to me.  Our own mother "doesn't have time" for him.  No one told him our grandmother died.  No one told him about my mothers suicide attempt, or at her 51/50 status (however brief it was).  I made the conscious decision to leave my family and stop caring about a lot of the bs, and while I think my brother doesn't acknowledge his part in this, I still find it sad that he didn't know whats been going on.  Anyhow, I updated him and basically gave a lot of "uh huh" and "yeah" responses.  It ended fine.  I'm not getting involved in his life, I'm continuing to keep him at arms distance from myself and my family.  But I don't mind the occasional basic and dry conversation, rehashing bullshit about my mom, or filling him in on details he may have missed.

The one thing my brother and I did agree on is how much we miss our father.  No matter what was going in my dads life he ALWAYS made time for us.  He'd stop whatever he was doing to talk to someone who needed him.  I miss that.  I only wish I could be half the person he was in that regard.

And of course I'm going to talk about my hair.  It seems to be the center of my universe these days.  My stance and feelings are ever evolving and ever changing.  Over the past few weeks I've felt "sticky" spots on my head.  They felt soft and hairless, so I figured they were bald spots.  I was right. Yesterday I photographed the few spots I was feeling and they are indeed hairless.  They are small but they are growing, as well as the fact that I'm getting more and more of them around my head.  Along with this my scalp is breaking out horribly and I cant figure out why.  My only guess is that I worked out multiple times last week while wearing a bandana and that my head sweat a lot.  Regardless of why its breaking out all I know is that I want it to stop.  Its so gross.  It hurts.  Its embarrassing.  Its definitely stopping me from shaving my head, let alone cutting it at all, because they are more visible the shorter my hair is.  I'm trying to put the medication the doctor gave me on the spots but I have hair (though it is thin) and it gets in the way. Stupid stupid stupid.

I keep debating doing the squaric acid treatments.  I worry that I will be unhappy from NOT trying everything.  Yes I am well aware of the fact that this is an autoimmune disease with NO CURE and that while my hair may grow back, it also may fall out again.  I don't know whether its worse to try and fail or try and lose it again.  There is always the chance I will try and succeed.  Who knows.  I keep asking my friends what they would do.  People keep telling me to just shave my head and move on.  However, these people are not losing their hair.  They will not be the ones with bald heads.  They will not be the ones getting looked at and having people wonder if they are sick or why on earth this woman would shave her head.  I know everyone means well and god do I appreciate the support.  *sigh*  I sure hope people understand what I'm trying to say.

And because I'm being honest I'm just going to say it - I took a break from writing this and showered.  My shedding was really bad.  I spent 45 minutes in the shower bawling my eyes out.  I am so angry.  Before showering I was looking in the mirror (as I usually am) and saw that my hairline is receding badly.  I also have a few newer bald spots I had not seen.  Plus while in the shower I could really feel how little hair I have on my head while its wet.  I suppose you can call this a weak moment for me.  A break down of sorts.  I don't know what to call it.  I wasn't even planning on telling anyone that it happened.  I feel like all I am is a sad person and I hate telling people about my sad moments.  So I cried alone, and worked through my feelings, and now I have a headache but at least the tears stopped.  I'm trying to stop bottling up everything inside.  I'm trying to listen when people say that they WANT to let me talk to them.  Its new to me so it's still a big challenge.

All I know is that I am tired of this.  I'm tired of hating myself.  I'm tired of feeling ugly.  I'm tired of all the worry.  I'm tired of all the fears I have.  I'm tired of wanting things I cannot have.  I'm tired of the emotional roller-coaster I feel I'm on.  Basically I'm just tired.

I'm hoping that maybe buying a hat I feel comfortable in will help.  I'm already wanting to cover my head constantly from people.  Looking at the photographs I took made me feel beyond self conscious.  My hair is even thinner than I wanted to admit to myself.  Even though I hate hats I'm hoping something good will come from it.  I don't plan on wearing the wigs soon, despite the positive feedback I've received.  They just don't feel like ME.  I suppose I don't really know what DOES feel like me right now.  I guess I'm still trying to figure that out.

Moments

There are days like today that can feel fine despite the odds. I can wake up tired but functioning. I can smile. I can interact with others like a normal human being. And then in a moment I can feel sad inside and wish that things were not the way they were with me. I think I've taken my hair loss in stride for the most part. Sure I get mad and I get upset but I feel like I'm doing okay. But there are moments, like today listening to two coworkers discuss what to do with their gorgeous hair that something inside of me snaps. It breaks. I think at times that it's my heart. Maybe my spirit. Maybe both. I smile and I laugh and I provide them with my opinion and suggestions. Inside I'm turning to goo. I want to cry but I fight it. What good would tears do me right now?

Goodbye treatments?!??!

Guess what? I'm talking about my hair again. I feel comfort in knowing I'm not the only alopecian that has moments where their world revolves around their hair loss.

I looked in the mirror yesterday evening and discovered that I now have bald patches. Up till this point I just had seriously thinning hair, but now have spots (a few nearly dime sized) that are shiny and completely hair free. It was a shock to me and I didn't take it very well to say the least. I sat in the shower and cried and cried. I felt defeated. And that's when I decided to stop treatments.

I know that probably sounds a little strange. Here's my reasoning: the past few weeks I have felt increasingly awful. From bouts of severe nausea to episodes of dizziness. The only new thing in my life are the treatments. I'm having to use excess amounts of the topical stuff because my hairloss is so severe. Chances of systemic side effects are greater. And given that even if I did have hair grow back, it will fall out if I stop the treatments. I don't want to be dumping chemicals on my head for the rest of my life. I want to be beautiful and happy and healthy. I don't want to put toxic things on my head to MAYBE get results. It just is not worth it to me.

I'm closer to making the decision of buzzing my head. I hate myself right now because of how bad my hair looks, I can't hate myself any more once its gone. If anything I hope it helps me live a free life. I won't have to see the hair all over my pillow and all over my bathroom floor. I will no longer see the handfuls in the shower. It will be relief. Sweet sweet relief. My friend even said he would shave his head too. I have the best friends ever.

I still find myself having moments in the middle of a good day where I feel really crappy. Where I look in the mirror and hate what I see. It can turn a good moment upside down. I find it hard to move past these moments but I keep trying. I try to live on the faith and trust that I have in my relationship with my boyfriend and with my family. Faith that I will be loved and found to be beautiful regardless of what's happening. I need to focus on the trust that I will not be left alone. It's a challenge, but I accept it and I work on it daily.

So thank you to everyone who has listened to my bitching. To those who have received text after text about my hairloss, bald spots, depression- I love you so. This journey is far from over, but its because of all of you that I have gotten this far.

Panic at the Niko

I am having anxiety attacks these days. I wrote a whole blog about it but my text program on my ipad took a crap and killed it. So today I start over (somewhat) and add on some new bits and pieces.

So yeah, anxiety. As I write this I'm coming down from what would have been a big anxiety attack. Thank god for medication. Between puppy sitting and having a rambunctious child, sometimes its hard to break away when anxiety strikes. After much thinking on the possible causes, I think the anxiety is a combination of two things- one being my job, two being my hair. The job thing I'm sure ill elaborate more on later. The second, the hair, is what caused my anxiety today.

I have officially started treatment for the alopecia. I am using three topical treatments on my head, all together. One is an antibiotic, one is a steroid, and the last is the Rogaine. Today was my first day using the steroid. It will be used twice daily for two weeks, a two week break, and then resume 2 on and 2 off for a total of three months. The side effects are burning, acne, and thinning skin. Also because it is a potent corticosteroid there is a chance of it being absorbed systemically, which is part of why I am to take two week breaks. Anyhow, I put it on my hair and the result was horrid. Not only did it burn (and now itch like crazy) but its in an oil type suspension. I look like I just rubbed a handful of oil through my very thin hair. I'll tell you, there's no way I will be going out in public looking like this.

The more I looked at my hair the more upset I became. The Rogaine was already making my hair feel straw like and now it looks like I haven't washed it in days. It just makes me feel so ugly that I can't help but cry. That sounds ridiculously vain and kind of stupid as I read it back, but its honest. I put a scarf on my head and then felt even worse. I don't know how to get through this without crushing what little self esteem I have. Bleh.

I keep thinking about the wigs I ordered. I've had a few people make negative comments about how long one of them is. I know people talk and not everyone will understand or be supportive. I am trying my best to just look at the wig thing positively, as many of my friends have said.

This is just so damn hard to go through. I can't even make my words help people understand. It's devastating. I feel so incredibly sad. I'm constantly looking for distractions and things to make me smile. I'm struggling to get through basic days. I feel weak because all of my life, no matter what was happening to me I was able to pull my shit together and not get stuck in depression. I never had anxiety attacks, even after my dads suicide. But here I am with my hair falling out and its like all of my coping mechanisms are broken. What happened to the strong person inside of me?

I Know people feel weak sometimes. I know that everything I'm feeling has been felt before. Today is just a day where I struggle to remind myself that it gets better. I'm lucky- I have a wonderful support system of best friends, new family, and my wonderful children. I'm going to get through this BECAUSE of them and FOR them. I'm having a rough time right now but soon I'll be better. I know this in my heart because I recognize it, acknowledge it, and take steps to make it better.

On a random yet related side note: I've gone gluten free starting today. For the first time in a long time my stomach hasn't hurt AT ALL today. I know there will be a learning curve here but I'm already happy to have one good gut day.

So that's all for now. I'm gonna go snuggle the puppy. Thanks friends for reading.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

How uncreative of a title, right? I guess in a way I'm still trying to find the fun and humor in my diagnosis. I had my scalp biopsied last Thursday and got my diagnosis a week later. Diagnosis: alopecia areata.

For people who don't know what this is let me try to explain what I've learned so far. It's an autoimmune disorder where your immune system attacks your hair follicles, making your hair fall out. They explain it like your hair follicles go dormant and just stop making hair. Typically people with alopecia areata will lose hair in circular spots all over their head. I have a diffuse form where I have lost hair from my entire head. If I had to guess I'd say in the past two years I've lost over 50% of the hair on my head. This disease does not mean I have a weak immune system. On the contrary it often signifies the immune system is great and so effective it starts to hurt itself. Strange isn't it?

The thing that is hard about this disease is that its different for everyone. The doctors can't tell me how much more hair I will lose or what treatments will work for me. They can't tell me if a treatment does work that my hair won't fall out again either immediately after treatment or years down the road. There have been people with alopecia areta that lose all of their hair over a 2 week period and their disease turns into a bigger form of alopecia (totalis or univeralis). It's scary to have unknowns like that.

My doctor wants me to make a follow up appointment (which I will do when the office is open Monday) and begin treatments. She wants to use a squaric acid treatment on my head which supposedly irritates the scalp and sends white blood cells to the surface, making your follicles come back to life and in the end making your hair grow again. The side effect of this treatment is a poison ivy type rash all over your head that will hurt and itch. It may also discolor the skin on my scalp. Sounds fun right? Even worse is the percent of regrowth for people that have had the significant hair loss that I have is only about 40-60%, with many people losing their hair once treatments stop. Also as a side note I think my eyebrows are thinning again. I looked at them yesterday and feel like they are a lot smaller and thinner. My eyelashes however seem to be the same. When my hair fell out heavily two years ago my eyelashes and eyebrows thinned a lot but grew back. Nothing I can do to prevent that though.

To be honest, when I read my biopsy results I broke down crying immediately. I went inside the house and locked myself in the bathroom so the kids would not see me cry. I mourned the loss of my hair and I searched for the strength in myself to help me deal with these facts. I kept asking why me. I kept thinking about the fact that I may never have my hair back or that it may continue to fall out despite treatments. I felt embarrassed for myself. I felt embarrassed for my boyfriend. I feel like the worlds eyes are on me and people are wondering what's wrong with me and wondering why my hair looks so bad. I know people are assholes. I can't control what others think. It just kills me that people may think bad things toward my boyfriend for his freaky balding girlfriend. Or think bad things toward my kids or toward my friends. *sigh*

I started using women's minoxidil at my dermatologists suggestion (while waiting for biopsy results). I told a few coworkers and a few snickered at knowing I was using "Rogaine". It made me feel painfully embarrassed. I'm already self conscious about the fact you can see my scalp through my hair, and now even more upset that it could get worse instead of better. It made me feel even more afraid to try treatments that will leave noticeable marks on my scalp (bumps, redness, flakes, etc) that I won't be able to hide without covering my head. I don't even know if my employer would let me use something like a navy blue chemo wrap to protect my scalp during treatments and help prevent me from feeling more embarrassed than I already do. I need to work up the courage to ask.

My only real complaint about the Rogaine treatment so far (aside from the dermatologist telling me the incorrect strength to get) is that its drying out my hair. It also makes my hair feel like its got gunk in it (similar to the way lots of hairspray would make it feel). I don't like it. Makes my already sad hair look sadder. I'm seriously thinking of cutting it off while I start treatments. No point in having sad little bits of long hair hanging from an irritated scalp. Not like seeing it makes me feel better. Sometimes I feel like if it were gone I'd have less time focusing on how sad it looks... I've been fighting the urge to shave my head all day. I've got nearly half an inch of blonde showing already. Blah, I keep crying. Talk about feeling crazy.

After doing more and more reading about alopecia I also spent money on a cheap wig to play around with at home. I don't know if I can ever bring myself to wear it out in public or to work. I struggle with that whole fake aspect and that people I work with or interact with will know its a wig. I even feel embarrassed about potentially wearing it. I feel embarrassed about my boyfriend having a girlfriend that has to wear a wig. I mean, what if it fell off? What activities would I have to refrain from with a wig on? To think of how embarrassing it would be to fall off during sex!?! In a small way I do like the idea of changing wigs like you change accessories. Be someone new every day. It's a neat idea, even if its one that I will struggle with.

The more I learn about the disease the more I keep feeling upset. 1 in 5 children born to a parent with alopecia will get the disease as well (from alopecia areata to full alopecia universalis). I may end up giving this to my children and they will have to feel all these things that I am. It's a horribly sad feeling...

This diagnosis is definitely a roller coaster of emotion for me. I can be fine one minute and sad the next. This is all normal I'm sure. It does make me feel a little unstable though.
,
What I worry about most is that I DONT want people to feel sorry for me, or pity me, or wish thing different for me. This is just what it is for me. As Ginny said to me- its an opportunity to learn my body better and to get people to help me feel better as well. I can't make this disease go away but I can be as positive as possible about it. If anything this is an opportunity to become a stronger person. I am not my hair. I need to keep my head up and also show my children that people are different (some lose their hair) and that inside we are the same. That people that are different than them are just as awesome as them inside and out.

My hair may come or it may go (and maybe go all the way) but who I am inside will stay strong and stable. I may still cry and I may still mourn what I don't (and may never) have but that doesn't mean the disease is conquering me. It just means I'm learning to be better.

If anything this diagnosis just serves as an excellent excuse to start wearing more hats and beanies.